Neon Genesis Humangelion
by Steamrollers Solve All
Summary: At long... long last, this stupid story is over!  The wonderful, bizarre, maddening conclusion that is the exact opposite of what it should be!  But the damn thing is over at long last... YAY!
1. Eva Attack

A/N: Well, here I am writing my third fanfiction, and I pray to God that I don't get bored with this one or it's deleted by damn moderators. So here it goes the pilot chapter. And by the way, I don't own Neon Genesis Evangalion, but if I did, the ending would make sense.

It was just another day of national disasters in Japan. Once again, a giant monster was trashing the cities and the military thought they could take it down. Today the monster was a giant, two-eyed, one horned, walking, purple people eater. UN ships, like flies, screamed by firing missiles and other ordinance, but nothing seemed to phase it at all. The creature continued its path, ignoring the pathetic assaults, and focused all its will on one city, just one. That city was Tokyo-3.

"Hello?" said Sachiel as he answered the telephone. He was at his teacher's house, the place he had been living at for three years now. He had been here ever since he became disgusted with his father and ran away, but now he had to go back. "Okay. Just send someone here. I'll come." He was going to his father's organization: SEELE. As Sachiel sat around waiting for transport, he felt tremors. Ones worse than any earthquake.

The monster had reached its target. It began plodding to the center of the city, as if drawn to something.

A car pulled up and inside it was a woman. At least, that's what some would call her. Others, in a different but parallel, world would call her the 7th Angel. "Hello," said the angel as she stepped out (and hauled out several writhing teenagers without pants on). "You must be Sachiel, right?" She was fairly professional person, and it was obvious she wasn't used to talking casually. "Not much of a talker, huh?"

"…" was all Sachiel tried to say. He hated this.

"Well I'm Israfel! And-" but another tremor cut Israfel off. "Damn. We gotta go. Come on!" She hopped back in her car and Sachiel followed suit.

Meanwhile, the military battle against the monster continued without success. The AT field resisted any means of penetration and the Third Eva continued its path of death. However, there was one last shot of shutting it up.

"What the…" Israfel was taken aback. She was seeing the airships were falling back from the attacker. That would mean…"Oh God, NO! Sachiel, GET DOWN!" She dived down and forced Sachiel to do the same. An explosion erupted from the Third Eva, and explosion that would put a nuclear warhead to shame. The resulting shockwave smashed into Israfel's car, causing it to spin over and over and over again. And despite the blast, the Eva still stood, but at least it seemed stationary now. Israfel seemed a lot more professional all of a sudden. "Those bastards," she grumbled as she tried to upright the car. "Like an N-2 mine would work."

Sachiel just sat there. He was obviously shaken up, but he just sat there.

* * *

Eight hours later the Eva was still motionless, and Sachiel and Israfel had finally reached SEELE headquarters. "Here," Israfel said as she tossed the zombie angel a book. "SEELE handbook. Start reading up." She swiped her ID card through a slot and led her companion through.

As the two progressed down an escalator Sachiel actually spoke. "So…am I going to see my father?"

Israfel looked at him for a while before answering. "I'm not-" but she was cut off.

"Hey! Israfel!" shouted another angel that wore a labcoat. She was at the bottom of the stairs, but didn't hesitate to run up to meet them. She was coated in lava, but due to her labcoat, she obviously preferred research to fighting. She looked at Sachiel and smiled, in a comfortable manner unlike Israfel. "So is this the pilot?"

"Yeah, he is. Sachiel, I'd like to introduce to you my friend and head scientist here. Her name is Sandolphon."

"But just what am I piloting?" asked Sachiel.

"The thing to stop the Eva, the Humangelion. Unfortunately, there could be some problems," responded Sandolphon.

"What!" shouted Israfel, "I thought the prototype was fixed!"

"Well, it was, but it isn't combat ready. We have to use the test unit. That's where the problems are. There is only a-" Sandolphon took a deep breath, "0.0000000001 percent chance that someone will be able to sync with it. Not good odds, eh?"

"Sandolphon, the odds really don't matter," corrected Israfel, "considering we don't have much of a choice."

Suddenly warning klaxons blared. The Eva had awoken.

"Damn! Sachiel, follow me!" Sandolphon ran off to were angelkind's last hope of survival rested on this fight's outcome.

A/N: Well, that's it for now. Sorry if the chapter is a bit short, but if this works out the next one will be of reasonably length. :)


	2. Public Service Announcements

A/N: To those that want me to take the story in a new direction, don't worry. Different plotlines will pop up, some of the Evas will be absurd, and some characters will be changed greatly cough Gendo! cough . Also, so people know which Angel was which, at the bottom of the chapter is a guide to which Angel had which name. I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, IHOP, France, or Barbies. If I did, the last three wouldn't exist.

"What!" shouted Sachiel as he looked at the Humangelion. "You want me to pilot a super-sized boy!"

He was in the hangar of SEELE looking at the aforementioned Human. It was a brown-haired boy with short hair that was wearing a blue and white jumpsuit.

"This," Sandolphon explained, "is the test model, Unit Shinji."

"And this is what my father's been working on?" asked Sachiel, praying he'd get the answer he wanted.

"Correct," came a voice Sachiel hoped he'd never hear again. "You will pilot it." Up in a control room was Sachiel's father: Adam. He was like Sachiel always remembered: formal, wearing gloves, always with a cigarette in hand, and with his arms wrapped around several cans of beer. "Understand?"

Sachiel felt his anger rising. "You just call me back into your life whenever it's convenient! I'm just here because you need me to control some boy!"

"You mean…" Israfel already knew the answer.

"I won't pilot that damn toy!" screamed Sachiel. "Not in a million years! Not for HIM!"

Adam seemed unmoved by the yells. He motioned to his second-in-command, Zeruel. "Looks like we have no choice. Have Lillith pilot Unit Shinji."

"But sir-"

"She's better than what we have here!" snapped Adam in between chugs of beer. He reluctantly handed Zeruel his precious alcohol and picked up a phone. "Zeruel, if the godly liquid touches your flesh, you're a dead man. Yes? I'd like to speak with Lillith."

A moment later a quiet voice answered the phone. "Yes?"

"Lillith…you have to…pilot Unit Shinji…"

"Understood."

Adam slammed the cell phone down, snatched back his beer, stroked it, and apologized for abandoning it.

* * *

Outside, something in the Eva awoke. The N-2 mine's effect had worn off at last and the creature unleashed a brutal scream. It was close, very close. A beam shot out of it that burrowed deep into the diamond shaped SEELE HQ.

The blast rocked the building as a medical bed was wheeled into the hangar. On it was a white angel, more dead than alive. Half her face was covered in bandages and one of her arms was in a sling. An IV was hooked up to her.

"Okay!" Sandolphon shouted up to the technicians in the control room. "Reconfigure Shinji's settings for Lillith!"

_But if she pilots that thing_, thought Sachiel, _she's gonna die!_ _Not to mention I can't…_"Miss Israfel-"

But another quake cut him off. A giant girder, knocked loose from the quake, fell fast. Too fast for Sachiel to see his new steel facial coming, but somehow, the Humangelion reached out and shielded both Sachiel and Lillith from becoming IHOP specials.

The bed flew down the catwalk and crashed, sending Lillith to the ground. Sachiel quickly ran to her side to help the girl back on the bed. Sachiel was close enough now to see the rest of her pain. She was shaking and moaning, as if simply existing was a trial few could endure. Blue blood, her blood, was all over his hands as he put her back on her bed.

_I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away…I MUSTN'T RUN AWAY!_ "STOP THIS!" howled Sachiel. "I pilot that damn boy!" Lillith's condition was only a partial reason that he had had swayed, however. A thought had quickly entered his mind, a dark and evil one. _After I stop that Eva, my bastard of a father will pay for what he did…with his own creation_.

Lillith looked at him and somehow managed to choke out, "Thank you," as she was carted back to a hospital room.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Sachiel was still laughing evilly inside the Human while the Eva continued its rampage above.

"Flooding the plug with LCL," announced Sandolphon. "Sachiel, don't worry. Just breathe in normally. The LCL **will** provide oxygen directly to your lungs."

"Okay!" shouted Israfel, "Human Unit Shinji: Launch!"

Rockets flared as the support braces released their grip on Shinji. Majestic music crescendoed, sparks began flying, but…

"Wouldn't it be smart," Sandophon inquired as Shinji flew into a closed shutter, "to open the launch tube first?"

"Wow. Booze must really be messing me up. Better quit then," remarked an embarrassed Israfel.

"THAT'S ENOUGH BEER BASHING!" Adam reprimanded, "THIS FANFICTION WILL NOT BECOME A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT! UNIT SHINJI: LAUNCH!"

"But the doors-"

"Shaddup…"

A grate opened up in Tokyo-3 and out popped the Humangelion to do battle.

* * *

"Can you hear me?" sparked up Israfel's voice on the comm. array, "I know the Eva is right in front of you, Sachiel, but just focus on walking at first. I'll talk you through actually fighting."

"_Walking," _muttered Sachiel as he used the controls to take a few steps. Everyone was amazed that Shinji wasn't stumbling, but Fate had other plans that day. "OOOH! A Euro!" Shinji, not meant for picking loose change up, struggled to pick up the most powerful economic unit on the planet while the Eva moved in for the kill.

"Sachiel! Watch out!" Israfel prayed Sachiel would handle making this blunder. A computer's display destroyed that hope. "Oh damn! His AT-Field hasn't deployed yet!"

The Eva picked the Humangelion up and focused its power on the left arm. Bones cracked. Blood squirted everywhere. Sachiel could feel the agony in his body as if it really _was_ his body being mauled. The Eva then began poking Shinji in the head with its horn. A sickening sound was heard. Then a second. Then a third. Shinji was thrown into a building, slumped down, and everything went black for Sachiel.

* * *

"Crap on a stick with double cheese!" grumbled Adam as he tossed away his last can of beer. "It would have been better if Lillith piloted that thing."

"Yeah," corrected Zereul, "but she'd be dead by now."

"But we could always make more-" But Adam's remarks were in danger of being overheard.

Israfel's ears perked at this last line. "Was that spoilers I just heard?"

"No!" Adam had to think fast. "Uh…just talking about…why France sucks…"

"Carry on," Israfel seemed to have been shaken off the trail, but Sandolphon was worried that damning secrets would be leaked out too soon.

"Now," announced Adam as he resumed his hunched-over stance with hands cupped together, "If this Eva can be beaten, this story has a happy ending."

"Sir, we both know that not to be true."

"Zeruel, something tells me this is going to be a very long fanfic."

* * *

When Sachiel woke up, he was in a hospital room and in the room with him was Israfel.

"What happened?" asked Sachiel as he sat up. His head ached. Something bad had happened.

"Well…"Israfel started, "you won…I also volunteered to be your guardian. I'm here to take you home."

"Oh. Well, I'm really tired and…"

Israfel wouldn't stand for that. "Suck it up!" she muttered as she grabbed Sachiel and literally dragged him out of the hospital.

On the drive home, Israfel stopped the car for a moment. "I have something to show you," she said as she opened his door. "Come on." She led Sachiel to a high hill and motioned to Sachiel to look outside. "you know where this is, Sachiel?"

"The abandoned hillside where no one will hear my screams?"

"If you were older, then yes," she pointed out over to the city, rising up from the ground. "This is the city you will be protecting, no matter what. Under there is an underground cavity and in there is our base, Remiel. Now let's go home."

After dinner at Israfel home and hauling all sixty gallons of her beer to the curb only to be stolen by a waiting Adam, Sachiel was in his room. _What really did happen back there?_ he thought. _What stopped me from killing my father?_ He remembered part of the battle, mainly picking up the Euro, struggling in the Eva's grasp, getting poked in the head, but what else happened? The thoughts were still on his mind when he drifted to sleep.

* * *

Suddenly, he was there again. He was being stabbed in the head and then thrown into a building. His Human had blacked out and the systems went dead. He looked out the viewports and saw the Eva approaching him, ready for the killing blow.

Something stirred in the Humangelion, though. Systems came back on, the left arm regenerated, Shinji screamed something out loud. It jumped on the Eva, pounding it with both its arms. The Eva grabbed at Shinji, but the Human dodged and grabbed both of the Eva's arms. Shinji pulled hard, very hard, and soon a ripping noise was heard, followed by the arms being pulled clean off. Shinji then snapped off the horn and began stabbing the core of the Eva. Cracks were appearing quickly and life was draining from the adversary.

The Eva wasn't defeated just yet, though. It dodged the next stab, wrapped around Shinji, and exploded.

* * *

So that was what happened. "Father," said Sachiel as he woke up again, "next time you die."

A/N: Well, I hope that was better and longer. As I said before, here's a list of all the Angels from the "normal" series.

1st: Adam (Gendo)

2nd: Lillith (Rei)

3rd: Sachiel (Shinji)

4th: Samshel

5th: Remiel (Geo-Front)

6th: Gahgiel (Pen-Pen)

7th: Israfel (Misato)

8th: Sandolphon (Ritsuko)

9th: Material (Kaji)

10th: Sahaquiel

11th: Ireul (Magi)

12th: Leliel (Kensuke)

13th: Bardiel (Toji)

14th: Zeruel (Fuyutski)

15th: Arael (Asaka)

16th: Armisael (Hikari)

17th: Tabris


	3. Eva or Bardiel

A/N: Well, here's the third part of my parody. I hope it's getting better for those of you that are reading it. If not, feel free to complain. I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, Fight Club, the word "crikey", or Fantastic Four.

When Sachiel woke up the next day, a giant whale-like creature was crushing him.

"Oh, sorry about that," Israfel remarked as opened the door to his room. "That's Gahgiel, one of those new land sharks. He's not going to be problem, is he?"

"…ant…eath…"

­

After getting an industrial-class crane to haul off Gahgiel, Sachiel sat down for breakfast with Israfel.

"We were pretty lucky yesterday," mentioned Israfel as she wolfed down a number of eggs. "Think you're up for VR training today?"

"You mean…actually learn to _control_ that thing?" Sachiel grinned. His father wouldn't escape this time.

­

"Alright Sachiel," Sandolphon explained as the virtual training began. "To provide energy to a Humangelion, the umbilical cables are used to provide energy. If the cable is cut, the Human only has about five minutes of battery life, just because that makes for a good plot device. Also, most conventional weapons are useless against Evas due to the AT-Fields. However, R&D has produced a number of weapons meant specifically for the purpose of penetrating those fields."

Sachiel looked on his viewports and noticed some large firearms and a knife.

"That blade is a progressive knife, even though I don't know why they named it that," Sandolphon elaborated. "It vibrates very quickly and will be your most helpful weapon against Evas. As for the rest, they're guns. Simple enough. To use them, position the target in the center and pull the switch. Give it a try."

"Position target in the center and pull the switch…" muttered Sachiel as he had the virtual Shinji pick up the pulse rifle. "Position target in the center and pull the switch… position target in the center and pull the switch…position target in the center and pull the-"

"Sachiel!" yelled Israfel who was starting to get annoyed, "Why the hell are you saying that over and over again?"

"Sorry! This plug has a bad echo problem…echo problem…echo problem…"

"Cut the kid some slack," Sandolphon said as she punched a few commands into a computer. "It's only his second time in a Humangelion. I wonder why he decided to come back, however."

"Isn't it obvious? He just does what he's told. Simple enough."

"No," Sandolphon, although good friends with Israfel, knew that Izzy could be a bit too heartless at times. "He has some ulterior motive."

"His father?" Things were getting weird. When Israfel had met Sachiel, he'd been fairly timid. Why would he want to take a more aggressive stance towards his father?

"Only thing I can think of. I just wish I'd know what his intentions were."

"But what does he want to do with his father?

"Who knows? Maybe he secretly wants to kill him."

"That's just crazy talk! His dad is a treacherous bastard…using me physically for a sex drive but-" Sandolphon quickly realized what she'd said, bashed in a computer terminal, then ran away screaming "There are some things angels were not meant to know!" over and over again.

"So today is your first day of school, right?" Israfel asked three weeks later.

Sachiel nodded. Something was bothering him, though. "Is…Lillith gonna be there?"

"She's still pretty wounded from the prototype accident. Don't worry, your girlfriend is still there."

"What? She's not my girlfriend!"

Israfel laughed as she walked away to work. "I'm heading to work. Get your scrawny ass to school, Sachiel."

Tokyo-3 high, due to the Eva attacks, only had about sixty students left in the freshman class. Most were either too poor to leave or had an injured relative.

"Damn it, Leliel!" yelled a blue angel as he slammed down a phone receiver. "My sister has to go in for operation again. That stupid pilot ended up damaging the hospital!"

His friend, who was just a puddle of black goo with a floating sphere moved over to him. "Bardiel, I think you've killed enough foreign-exchange students for now. Come one, let's see that new kid."

"Yeah," said Bardiel as he walked out. "I've heard that bastard, Sachiel, could be the Humangelion pilot."

­

During the first break Sachiel was busy talking to people. Rumors were abound and questions were answered.

"You mean he piloted that thing?"

"He called it a Humangelion!"

"He's selling government secrets to the highest bidder!"

The constant attention had two effects. First, Sachiel's ego swelled to the size of his headless body. Likewise, Bardiel was constantly getting aggravated by the attention. Finally, he snapped.

"For the love of God, just shut up! You've crippled my sister!" he yelled as his arms stretched halfway across the room and grabbed Sachiel. He docked Sachiel twice in the face, but the Human pilot wasn't going to stand for anything like this.

"Like a give a damn about your sister?" Sachiel screamed back as he caught Bardiel's next fist, pulled the angel to him, and landed a punch of his own. There was just something he didn't like about Bardiel. If it had been anyone else on the planet, he'd felt he would have taken those punches. Well, if it was Adam, Sachiel would have castrated that deadbeat dad.

Leliel quickly moved in between the two fighters and coaxed Sachiel to walk away. "Sorry about him. His sister was in an accident and he's been beating people to a pulp to vent off his frustrations at the world."

"My old school had a Fight Club. It's a lot more fun and works the same way," but as Sachiel walked out, Bardiel tapped him on his shoulders. When Sachiel turned around, the blue angel clocked him one last time in the face, effectively knocking Sachiel to the ground. _This isn't over, Bardiel! I'll go after you after dad is a cadaver._

After school, Sachiel headed back home, not knowing he had a stalker. Leliel, quickly becoming obsessed with Humangelions, wanted to see the bustling home of a pilot. With any luck he could get some great pictures. Unfortunately, he also was being stalked.

"Crikey! The poor bloke doesn't know I'm talking like this!" Leliel turned a corner and ended up bonking right into a bandaged Lillith, who was standing there for some reason. "GAH!"

"Hi there! You're stalking Sachiel, aren't you?" said an oblivious Lillith. Lillith was as paradoxical as a person could get. She was extremely friendly, if reserved at times, but for some reason she had yet to make a longstanding friend. She wasn't always happy, but something was wrong if she didn't smile at least fifty times a week.

"Uh, yeah…why are you here?"

"SEELE's detected another Eva coming in. I'm still in no condition to pilot, so I came to get Mr. Pouty Mouth Sachiel."

"Lillith, are you on drugs?"

"No."

"Then you need to be."

This was a great opportunity. To see an actual Human battle would be great! All he'd need is find a place to hide and watch.

"What the-" Bardiel was confused by what Leliel had just said over the phone.

"Bardiel, we can see an Eva vs. Humangelion battle! I'd die if I didn't see it!

"Don't come crying to me though. Sachiel put my sister in critical condition; I don't want that SOB to do the same to you."

"Come on! I'll be fine! It's not like this Eva has a-"

"-Thermonuclear reactor," Sandolphon stated while Sachiel put on his black plug-suit. "It's overloading constantly so you'll have to get rid of the reactor itself. Your Human should survive the radiation it's emanating. It's at the outskirts of the city and has just one target…"

"The Remiel, right?"

"You're pretty smart Sachiel. Just don't get to smart or you might be a danger to my job and I'll have to kill you. Anyways, you'll be using a pellet rifle to weaken the AT field and then use the knife to cut out the reactor.

_Father,_ thought a Sachiel with a soul as dark as his suit, _I won't fail in either killing the Eva…or you._

"Sachiel!" piped up his comm. again, "this is Israfel. You've only got maybe seven minutes before the core melts down! Get to it!"

As Shinji once again emerged for battle, Sachiel noted the 4th Eva's appearance. It was red, but more like a mech than the bio-creature the 3rd Eva. "Time to die," said a badass Sachiel as he raised the rifle and fired it.

"Sachiel, you didn't line up the shot!" Israfel yelled as the shots went wide of their intended mark. The Eva drew its own knife and lunged. Shinji dodged to the side, but the knife sliced right through Shinji's umbilical cable.

"That's pretty convenient," muttered Adam, who realized he hadn't said anything for the whole chapter. "Five minutes of battery time and a nuclear holocaust in five minutes. What're the odds?"

A/N: With his cable cut, can Sachiel and Shinji stand against this new Eva with only five minutes between them and a thermonuclear explosion? Can I make this different enough that people will read? Can I jump up and down in a circle while rubbing my stomach and patting my head?

Also, the current cast of Neon Genesis Humangelion:

3rd child: Sachiel

1st child: Lillith

Head of SEELE: Adam

Head scientist of SEELE: Sandolphon (8th angel)

Sachiel's guardian: Israfel (7th angel)

Adam's right-hand man: Zeruel (14th angel)

Toji's replacement: Bardiel (13th angel)

Kensuke's replacement: Leliel (12th angel)

Humangelion Test Unit: Shinji

3rd Eva: Unit 01

4th Eva: Jet Alone


	4. You have a Cat costume?

A/N: Sorry about the time between chapters. I was busy playing Final Fantasy IV and Chrono Trigger. I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, Sonic the Hedgehog, the Incredible Hulk, Tales of Symphonia, or Fantastic Four.

As the pulse rifle was chopped clean in half, Sachiel and his Human were thrown back into a hillside. "Damn!" said Sachiel as he looked at his battery gauge. Three minutes of power were left. He had to get serious. After flipping a switch, his progressive knife popped out of its shoulder and Sachiel charged, but stopped. Right under his foot was Leliel, transfixed with horror and unable to move. If he'd step down any further, Leliel would be crushed, which is hard to believe when it concerns an angel in an alternate universe. If it were Bardiel or his father, he wouldn't hesitate, but now…

The Eva leapt up in the air and slashed again. Shinji blocked as best he could, and the two locked blades. The problem was the Eva could move around; Shinji could not.

One minute before Shinji deactivated and the reactor exploded. He still couldn't attack, and the Eva was closing in on victory.

"SACHIEL!" screamed Israfel, "FORGET ABOUT THAT LITTLE BASTARD! KILL THAT THING!"

But Sachiel couldn't. He just couldn't. Not with Leliel in the path.

Thirty seconds left. The Eva stabbed into Shinji's body and the pain from Shinji's gut was felt in Sachiel as well. But then…a blue blur appeared and knocked Leliel away from under Shinji's foot.

"What the…Sonic?" Finally, Sachiel could fight back without holding back.

"No, ya dumbass!" yelled Bardiel. "Kill that thing!"

Ten seconds left. Without restraint, Sachiel grabbed the Eva's arm, ripped it clean off, and rammed Shinji's arm into the Eva's body, searching for the reactor.

Three seconds left. Shinji ripped the reactor out and threw it as hard as he could into the air.

Time was up. Shinji and the Eva both fell to the ground with a thud whilst the reactor, in space, exploded. The solar winds moved the radiation for a long time until in another universe it hit into a space shuttle and altered the bodies of the four passengers. They gained incredible powers, and decided to fight for good. Sounds like a fantastic spin-off, doesn't it?

"DAMN!" yelled Sachiel as he pounded his plug's canopy. His Humangelion was as good as dead. "FATHER! YOU CAN'T KEEP THIS UP FOREVER! I _WILL_ KILL YOU!" Sachiel screamed as he began to plan his revenge for the next time he was in Shinji.

As recovery crews fished the plug out, Sachiel was bitter, but Israfel was even bitterer.

"Sachiel, you disobeyed a direct order! Thousands of lives could have been lost because of that!" Israfel was nearing a level of anger the Hulk had never dreamed of. She backhanded him across the face twice. "You never, NEVER, go against what I say, or people die! Now get your scrawny ass home before I actually get angry, because you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!" Israfel was almost done, but the little voice in her head told her to go for the coup de grace. She ran back to Sachiel and made the field goal kick between his legs. Needless to say, he doubled over and went for a brief nap in la-la land.

Sachiel only had a backbone when facing two people: Bardiel and his father. Against anyone else, he would run away scared, and this is no exception. Israfel was his guardian, shouldn't she have some compassion when it came to him?

Sandolphon was shocked at her best friend's brutality. "You didn't have to yell at him like that, you know. And the extra point was completely unnecessary!"

Israfel glared at her. "He went against a direct order to disregard that angel's life for the good of Tokyo-3. There's no excuse for that. Lillith wouldn't do that, she'd-"

"Be a good little automaton droid and do what she was told, right?" Sandolphon knew she was the only person that could get to Israfel when she was like this. For Sachiel's manhood, as well as the still-hurting Lillith, she'd have to be able to convince Israfel to not be so hard of Sachiel.

"We're talking about a fourteen-year old boy here, he's not going to do everything we want him to! YOU volunteered to take care of him, YOU'RE the hardass in his life, and if you keep this up crap up, he might think about killing YOU once he's done with Bardiel and Adam. Lillith might be a more cheerful girl, but I doubt she's got as much depth as Sachiel does. Now for the love of God, go after him so I can get the remains of the 4th Eva back to the lab. If not, the guys are itching for a catfight and I'm not one to argue." Israfel was hesitant, but she started to run after Sandolphon put on her revealing cat costume and tried to tackle her.

When Israfel finally got home, she looked in the room. Sachiel was gone, and there was a note. It simply read 'Gone out. Be back in a couple days.'

_Looks like I picked the wrong month to quit drinking beer_, Israfel said as she opened up her emergency container. It was empty and in there was another note. In this case, by Adam. It read 'This is bad for you, so I'll take it off your hands. If you come for it, you will die.'

Adam and Sachiel: couldn't live with them, couldn't leave them to their own devices. Damn, she needed a break. She called up the guys at SEELE that would deal with Sachiel. Meanwhile, her hentai rentals were gathering dust and she needed to…clean. Yeah, clean.

Sachiel felt at ease with the world at long last. Maybe it was because he had to hold it while in Shinji, maybe it was something stupid, or maybe it was the fact he had just served Israfel possibly her first canister of PWNAGE in strategy and results. Who knew?

The field he was in was nice. The sun was shining, the wind was cool, and the leeches were sucking him dry.

A sound was heard not to far away. Like someone talking…

"Crikey! An' here we are, looking at the elusive burrow root, found only in this here field! Now if I just-"

"Leliel!" Sachiel yelled out as he ran over to him. "What're you doing out here?"

The Sea of Dirac looked at him. "Oh. I'm just here to get away from it all. After almost getting killed earlier today I felt like relaxing in the middle of desolate field where no one can hear you scream. Come on, I'll get the food cooked."

"I'm sorry…about today," Sachiel said as he took some of the glop that Leliel claimed was food. "I could've killed you…"

"Don't worry about it!" Leliel said as he sat back on the tree stump. I don't know how a creature that is only a black portal can do it, but he did. "I mean, Bardiel was there, and I actually saw Shinji in battle! I could've died right there and died happy. You need to stop apologizing all the time. Look at Colette! Nobody likes her."

"Good point."

"Man, I love it out here!" Leliel said as he ate some more food. "There's so many different creatures out here. When I was little, almost nothing was out in the meadows, but now it's crammed full of everything. Except cicadas. I hate cicadas."

"What happened to them all?" Sachiel was seeing that everyone in this universe had at least one quirk. He wondered what Leliel's was with the cicadas.

"Well, it all started back in 2000 with that Second Impact and-"

But Leliel couldn't finish. A bunch of SEELE troops came out of the forest, found Sachiel, and put him on a van. He was heading back to see good old Israfel.

"You idiot!" Israfel yelled. Sachiel was sitting in a pitch-black room, save the fact Israfel was standing in a small pool of light. "First you go against direct orders, then you SPLIT on us? Are you sure you want to keep piloting Unit Shinji? If you do, you're going to have to actually not run away when anyone yells at you."

"Will you just relax! I mean, we won right? And the Eva's in good shape so Sandolphon can figure out how it ticks and-"

"Those are excuses, damn it! You have to follow what I say if you want to stay as Shinji's pilot. So are you going to stay?"

Sachiel thought about the situation. It felt right to stay here. After all…"It doesn't feel right Lillith has to do everything on here own. She's still not recovered and-"

Israfel could almost puke. "Just shove it! If you're going to stay for a stupid reason like that, you're no good to us. Leave. You can pick your stuff up at my apartment. Now get the hell out of here!"

_So this is the end,_ Sachiel thought as he picked up his things from Israfel's apartment. _I bump off two Evas only to get kicked out of SEELE for a technicality_._ Life sucks. It's official. _He would be shipped back to his teacher's house at three o'clock, so he didn't have much time.

When Sachiel got to the train station, he was surprised at the four people he saw. "Leliel, Bardiel, Lillith, and…Sandolphon?"

"Sorry you're going," Leliel said as he handed Sachiel a tape. "Watch it when you're alone."

"I'm sorry about Israfel," Sandolphon said while Leliel and Bardiel drooled over her. "She's always stuck to the rules. If she doesn't, she just doesn't feel right on the inside."

"You're quite the bastard," Bardiel said as he not so playfully punched Sachiel in the gut. Sachiel returned the favor by bashing in Bardiel's family jewels. "You watch your ass out there," Bardiel remarked in a voice akin to Mickey Mouse, "Because I'm the guy that's going to kill you."

"Not if I kill you first," Sachiel said as he shook Bardiel's hand.

"Here," Bardiel said as he took a cylindrical object out of his belt. "I swiped it from your dad. So now you've got competition when it comes to killing me."

When Sachiel locked his gaze with Lillith, the two stood there for a minute. Then, Lillith lost their battle of wills and jumped up to hug Sachiel. "If it weren't for you I'd be dead right now. Thanks!" A smiley appeared above her head and winked.

"Uh, Lillith? How did you do that?"

"Um…hackors?"

They all had a good chuckle, but then reality flared up again. His time was up. The train was coming.

When Israfel got there five minutes later, she almost cried. Why did she have to be so hard of Sachiel? No one was there in the rain except for Sachiel's four friends.

"You've done a lot of shallow things but this was terrible," Sandolphon said, "and I'm Ms. Expert of Shallow Things. He's not here, and I don't think you're going to see him here ever again. Now you should head home, because I don't think anyone here wants to look at you."

"Actually," Bardiel and Leliel said as they whipped out cameras, "We'll take some for the trip."

_Sachiel's gone_, Israfel thought as she returned home._ It's for the best. I just wish I had…_"One more chance." She opened up the door, only to be slapped in the face with a piece of paper.

"You gave me the wrong ticket, ya hoser!" Sachiel said. "Man, and you say I'm stupid!"

Something in Israfel told her not to stand for that crap, but another part of her told her that she had gotten her second chance. She smiled, and saw Sachiel had his tape on. She could use a break.

"Just another day of being a cold hearted bastard," Adam remarked as he sat back in his chair. Life was good, and it was time for him to reach for a cold one. "What the… a note?…Who's this Bardiel? DAMN YOU BARDIEL!"

A/N: Well, life's getting back to normal and next chapter will pit Lillith and Sachiel against the dreaded 5th Eva! Stay tuned for Lillith I or Why the Hell did we Paint it Orange!


	5. Lillith I

A/N: Alright. I'm pleading to any readers out there, PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! I'm not doing this for my health! I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, Germany, Inu-Yasha, or Goldeneye 007.

Lillith lay in her bed, wondering. _Twenty two days have past since the accident…_she thought. _Will it happen again? More importantly, what will Adam do if things do go wrong?_

She remembered everything about that day. She got suited up in her purple plug-suit as Zeruel, Adam, Sandolphon, Israfel, and the tech crews hoped she would sync with it. She had walked into the hanger and looked at Humangelion Unit-Rei. The red eyes scared her, and to be honest, Adam was also thinking about something about it.

* * *

_Why the hell did we paint the suit on it orange?_ Adam thought as Lillith got into the entry plug. _Blue is a much better color!_

"Alright Lillith," Sandolphon said as she viewed the control panels, "Just focus on being one with the Human. We don't want it going berserk or anything."

"What're the odds it will?" Israfel asked, being the only person in the room not to know the damning secret.

"Pretty good, considering who's in there," Sandolphon responded. "I-I-I mean Lillith doesn't have any practice with this. Who knows what will happen? What the!" she shouted as the displays went wild as Rei twitched. "Damn! Lillith, can you hear us?"

Lillith could hear them, but another voice was inside the plug. "Who are you!" the voice screamed.

"I'm…Lillith," the angel responded.

"That's not possible!" the voice howled as Rei pounded into the walls. "Lillith is dead! I should know!"

"Stop this now!" Adam said as he smashed down on the controls. "Deploy that containment fluid…whatever it's called!"

Sandolphon quickly flipped a number of switches as a red liquid fell into the room. As Red became coated in it, the Humangelion's actions slowed down. Finally, the entry plug shot out. "Oh God," Sandolphon whispered as she looked at the plug's condition. It was smoking and charred.

"Lillith!" Adam shouted as he ran down to the test chamber. She wouldn't have much time left, but the plug was hotter than Dave's Insanity Sauce. Still…he clamped hold of the hatch and pulled. The pain would've been unbearable, but with a BAC of 8 Adam barely noticed it as he pulled out an unconscious Lillith.

* * *

The next day the freshman class of Tokyo-3 High was practicing swimming. Most people were fawning over the class rep, Armisael, with lines like "Check out the chain-links on her!" but somebody was looking at Lillith.

"What's the matter?" Leliel inquired as Sachiel looked at his fellow Humangelion pilot. "Are you having dirty fantasies about her?"

"Yeah, are you?" Bardiel inquired as he knocked Sachiel into the water for a poor-man's swirly. "Thinking about her boobs? Her thighs? Her lady parts?"

"At least," Sachiel remarked as he grabbed Bardiel's head and threw him head first into the water, "I actually fantasize about **girls**!" As Bardiel raised his hands up, the traditional cease-fire act they crafted when fighting was going to risk something other than their lives, Sachiel let go. "What's her deal anyways? I mean, she's incredibly friendly, and yet hardly anyone is her friend. What is the deal with that?"

"Who knows?" Bardiel remarked as he took photos as Armisael dunked into the water. "All I know is she's like a pet rock. She's a wonderful thing to be by, but eventually you lose interest in her."

"What he means," Leliel explained, "Is that you can act friendly all you want to her. She's not going to date you."

_Still,_ Sachiel thought, _she's no normal girl. I wonder what her connection with SEELE really is?

* * *

_

That night Sandolphon offered to come over for dinner. Israfel, hopelessly sober now, jumped at the fact that Sandolphon had brought some quality German beer with her.

"The next Humangelion is getting shipped in a couple off weeks from the German branch," Sandolphon explained as she and Israfel began a time-honored tradition of playing Goldeneye 007's multiplayer and the winner got to drink a can. "I figured some we could get some good beer and ordered a couple…hundred…thousand kegs. Not to mention they'd spice Adam up some more than usual. His…performance…is slipping."

"What was that?" Israfel asked, wanting to know just if Sandolphon and Adam were having a physical relationship.

"Uh, nothing. Hey, Sachiel?"

Poor Sachiel was stuck with a "special edition" N64 wavebird controller, and quickly perked at Sandolphon's mentioning of his name. "Yeah?"

"I've heard you've been asking around about Lillith. It's not a problem, but I thought meeting her in person could help. Her ID card has expired and I'm sort of busy here. Would you mind running it down for me?"

Sachiel picked the card up from Sandolphon, who's momentary distraction cost her a drink of booze. Before she could enact her revenge on the pilot, he ran out of the apartment.

"I see you're being a better parent for him," Sandolphon continued as soon as Sachiel was out of the home.

"Yeah," Israfel said. "It's such a big change, but I guess it's for the best. Same with Sachiel going against orders. I've heard that R&D's been examining the remains of that Jet Alone Eva."

"It's incredible," Sandolphon exclaimed as she got gunned down her best friend in the game, "We might actually be able to make those S2 engines. Not to mention I found out something creepy."

"What?"

"There is only a very slim difference between Eva DNA and Angel DNA. An even smaller difference between Eva and Human. We're looking into it now. HAH! Didn't expect me to pick up the rocket launcher!"

* * *

_Is this where Lillith lives?_ Sachiel thought as he double-checked the address. He was in the slums part of Tokyo-3, and a number of unscrupulous people were looking at him. _Guess so._ He knocked on the door, which creaked open. "Hello? Lillith?"

The interior of the apartment was pretty trashy. A simple cot was on the floor, with garbage all over it. Something caught Sachiel's eye, however. On a desk was a small 'get well' card. He walked over and opened it up. "'Lillith,'" he read, "'I hope you get well soon. Sincerely, Commander Adam'!"

A door opened behind him and he saw Lillith, with only a towel wrapped around her.

"Yes?" she asked as she walked over to him and took the card from his hands.

"It's uh…" Sachiel stuttered as she turned away from him and changed into her clothes, "I…uh…"

Lillith laughed. "Come on! I'm only doing this to make you squirm!" She pulled her shirt on and turned around. "Well?"

Sachiel gulped. "Well, I heard your ID was expired so I came down here with your new card…and…and…"

Lillith picked it up. "Thanks! See you later. I need to head over to redo my syncro tests anyways."

"What!" Sachiel shouted as he heard what she was about to do. "Aren't you worried about what happened before? You could get killed this time!"

Lillith stopped and almost seemed to get serious for a second. "Don't you trust your father and what he does?"

"How can I? He's a bastard!"

Lillith turned around and slapped him hard across the face. "He's not just some bastard! If it weren't for him I'd be dead! You saw the card! He's not some cold, heartless monster that deserves to die at the first available opportunity, he's a luke-warm, half-assed caring bastard that should die when it's convenient! Unfortunately, that's not going to be for a while!" She stormed out of the room and slammed the door. When Sachiel went to open it, the knob wouldn't turn.

"Lillith? The door jammed. Lillith? Lillith?"

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" Sandolphon asked before she activated the Humangelion.

Lillith nodded. "Yeah. Turn it on."

As Rei stood up and moved her arms, Lillith didn't feel that other spirit inside the Humangelion. Perhaps it was gone. Perhaps it was sleeping. Perhaps it was maxing out somebody's digital credit card for Inu-Yasha manga. Who knew?

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. It looked like Unit Rei was finally working correctly. It wasn't meant to last.

"An Eva's been detected!" shouted one of the techies, the wormlike Shamshel.

"Crap on a stick!" Adam grunted. Rei wasn't ready for battle yet. "Can we sortie Shinji against it?"

"Sure!" Israfel said as she saw that Sachiel had just arrived. "I wonder why wood splinters are on his head, though."

* * *

Ten minutes later, Shinji was launched through the shaft to the surface to face the Eva. It wasn't what he had expected. It was some sort of pyramid on the ground, creeping forward somehow.

"There's something going on here!" said the second Humangelion techie as he spotted an energy spike. "The Eva's building something up!

"Sachiel," Sandolphon yelled into the communications, "Dodge!"

"No, the car you drive is an Intrepid!" Sachiel returned just before a laser beam blasted into Shinji's chest.

"Quick!" Israfel shouted, "Recall Shinji before Sachiel's killed!"

The shaft grate opened up just before a second blast shot into Shinji, and the Humangelion and its pilot evaded it.

"Good job everyone. It doesn't look like that thing doesn't have any other weapons on it," Israfel said. Hopefully they could wait it out and attack once Sachiel had a full recovery. A sudden lurch cut her off. "What the hell?"

"It's the Remiel's drill bit!" Sandolphon explained. "Somehow the Eva's hacked into it and we're drilling towards it. I'm also detecting a dangerous explosive device inside of it. I suspect it's going to explode once the drill gets to it."

"Is this what happens when we put drills on stationary bases?" Israfel said. Nothing was ever easy, was it?

"No," responded Adam. "This is what happens when the author runs out of ideas."

A/N: Well, at least I got through an entire episode in one chapter this time! As I said before, please read and review. I want to know how I'm doing. Stay tuned for the next chapter: Lillith II or Locked-On!

5th Eva: The Geo Front


	6. Lillith II

A/N: Wow. It's amazing how long a Tales of Symphonia fanfic can take to finish. I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ultraman, the Power Rangers, Godzilla, or GoldenEye 007.

When Sachiel woke up, he once again saw Lillith smiling like a doofus in front of him. He was in the hospital wing of the Remiel, he quickly realized, and Lillith tossed him a booklet.

"We're going to attack that thing together," Lillith explained as she quickly got a bit more serious. "I'll brief you on the plans and the situation. The Eva, which we've nicknamed "The Geo Front", is hacking into the Remiel and causing us to drill into it. As you probably know, we can't get close to it, so using Progressive Knives are out of the question."

"Then what?" Sachiel said as his evil side started to laugh. I he had to use a gun, maybe he could finally blow his father's brains out!

"Well, Israfel's been pulling a lot of strings and got her hands on a Positron Sniper Rifle. It should be able to take the Geo Front out in a single good shot."

"Wait a second…" something just caught Sachiel's attention. "We just had this gun lying around…and the military didn't even bother using it before? WHAT KIND OF GOVERNMENT DO WE HAVE?"

"It could be worse. We could have George W. Bush as president," Lillith said back with a look of honesty on her face.

"Shutting up now," Sachiel said. "So what about everything else about this briefing?"

Lillith shrugged. "Israfel and Sandolphon will explain the rest. Now start reading. You're going to be the sniper."

* * *

"So do you know how to fire the super-complex Positron Sniper Rifle?" Sandolphon asked as Sachiel suited up. "It's not like your traditional pallet gun."

"Yes it is!" Sachiel said. "Position target in the center and pull the switch! Honestly, what's so hard about grasping that concept?"

"You'd be surprised how dumb some people can be," Israfel explained as she shot a glance at Sandolphon, remembering her friend's blunders in GoldenEye 007. "Anyways, we're pulling power from all over Japan for this one shot, so you can't afford to miss. But if you do, it's okay. Just wait for the gun to cool down and then fire again. BUT YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS!"

"But you said it was okay for me to," Sachiel peeped up, terrified at the evil aura emanating from his guardian.

"Yes, but-" Israfel started, but Sandolphon cut her off.

"Best to suit up Sachiel. Lillith's waiting for you at the hangar," the scientist said, holding Israfel off from screaming. "I'll hold her off, there's no hope for me! GO!"

Sachiel quickly did what the lava-saturated Angel said, hearing bestial screams erupt behind him.

* * *

"Are you sure they're going to pop up?" a number of classmates asked Leliel and Bardiel as they sat a good distance away from the drilling Eva.

"They will…" Bardiel answered, sitting evily. "There's nothing else that can stop the Eva…"

"But what about Godzilla?" asked one friend.

"Or Ultraman?" asked another.

"Or the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers?" asked a third.

"Or-" Leliel started to add to the inquisition, but Bardiel cut them all off.

"First of all… Ultraman is stupid that he needs a 'Biotic Sensor' to show when he's hurt! Second, the Power Rangers stood up to the Purple Eva, that one that was Sachiel's first fight. The Rangers spent so much time 'powering up' and posing that the Eva just stepped on them. And Godzilla's retired from the fighting business after the agents stole all his money! So all we have left are the Humangelions, and there they are now!"

A hillside opened up as Rei and Shinji stepped out to the onlooking group. Or they would have looked at the Humangelions, but they had been sitting on that specific hillside and fell onto the two Humans. The ones on Rei quickly succumbed to mass nosebleeding while the ones on Shinji willingly jumped to their deaths for various reasons.

"There it is!" Lillith said as she pointed out at the Geo Front while Sachiel tried to locate the Positron Sniper Rifle, which was located on another hillside. "Alright, get ready to shoot when the time's right. And don't worry, I'll protect you no matter what."

"Just one question," Sachiel said as he finally got a good look at Rei's suit. "Will that thing burn off from the laser attack? Just wondering…"

Between Lillith, Sandolphon, and Israfel mentally strangling the perverted Sachiel, the third Child did manage to choke for a few seconds before running over to the rifle.

"The Geo Front's building up an attack, Sachiel! FIRE THAT THING OFF NOW!" Israfel shouted into the comm. array.

_Just a few more seconds_… Sachiel thought as he aimed as carefully as he could. _GOTCHA!_ He fired off his blast just as the Eva returned fire… but the two shots somehow bent around each other and went wild.

"SACHIEL, RELOAD!" Sandolphon shouted. "THE EVA'S GONNA FIRE AGAIN IN A FEW SECONDS!"

But it was too late. Sachiel replaced the fuses and aimed to fire, but the Eva fired first, bathing Shinji in a beam of destructive energy. _But…Lillith…Rei…what's going on here!_ Sachiel thought as Shinji's armor, suit, and skin were being burned up by the attack. It was worse than last time. And he'd never get the chance to kill his father...

_Bloody brilliant_, Adam thought as he viewed the attack on his son. _Using the better sniper as a decoy because the Geo Front can't afford to let Sachiel shoot!_ On the other side of the battlefield stood Rei, a Positron Sniper Rifle in her hands, lining up a shot. It had taken longer, and Shinji didn't have much time left.

"DIE!" Lillith shouted as for one second, she almost felt like two voices were screaming that: herself…and another that sounded so familiar…like from another life… Her blast pierced the Eva's AT field and continued through its body, wreaking it.

Lillith quickly ran over to the damaged Shinji, noting just how bad it was. But the Geo Front wasn't down yet as another shot was launched at Shinji, only to have the off-guard Rei take the blast.

Everything was on fire for Sachiel…but Lillith was in danger. He had to act! Shinji's hands scraped across the ground, finding his Sniper Rifle. He picked it up and aimed blindly. He had to take the chance, dammit! Either that or everyone would die! He squeezed the trigger as the shot blasted through Rei's smoldering body and once again ripped through the Eva, totaling what was left of it.

* * *

"Come on, dammit, open up!" Sachiel screamed as he tried to pry open Rei's entry plug. "OPEN UP!"

A voice came from behind. "Sachiel, that's the waste dump vent," Lillith said as she stood there, bloody, bruised, but happy. "Entrance vent is on the other side."

Sachiel was amazed that there wasn't a look of stress on Lillith's face. "Lillith! For God's sake! Can you just NOT SMILE!" He was glad she was alive…just smiling all the time was creepy.

Lillith had a look of bafflement on her face, but then a memory of just not smiling came up. Her muscles relaxed, and her face had an empty look on it for a split second. "Okay! Finished not-smiling!"

* * *

_Wonderful_, Adam thought as he looked at the wreckage of Shinji and Rei. "Zeruel, what's the condition on the two, anyways?"

The second-in-command looked at a few documents. "Shinji should be okay in a few weeks. Rei…we're going to need a new body for her. I suggest ordering it along with the third Humangelion. It's coming from Germany soon, right?"

"Yeah," Adam said as he sipped his beer. "Sounds like a good idea. Now if you excuse me…" he pranced away, "I've got a meeting to head to."

"You mean those bastards at NERV are giving you trouble again?"

"Yeah. And Japan's working on some sort of new machine to replace the Humans. Can you send off someone to deal with that problem?"

"Can do, sir. But isn't that Sandolphon's room you're going into?"

A/N: Lillith and Sachiel will have their hands full next chapter, but against very different reasons. As Lillith takes the new Rei out for a spin with the second Child against the sixth Eva,Sachiel will have to fight against a very different foe so there will actually be a Tokyo-3 to head back to! Find out next time on Splitting Duties!


	7. Splitting Duties

A/N: Since this just isn't a carbon copy of Evangelion, I felt I might change some goings on when Sachiel meets Jet Alone's "cousin". I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, Tales of Symphonia, or Escaflowne.

"This sucks!" shouted Sachiel as Israfel broke the bad news to him. "You're telling me I can't hitch a ride with the UN fleet, but Lillith does! How come!"

"Sorry Sachiel," Israfel said as she sipped her drink at the breakfast table while Sachiel chewed some toast and Gahgiel munched on a few American tourists. "It's just that Unit Shinji needs to stay if things go bad, but the rebuilt Unit Rei's with the fleet anyways. If it makes you feel any better, Lillith invited all your friends too. And I'm going. And so is Gahgiel. Just don't try to kill your dad before all the Evas are beat."

"Easier said than done," Sachiel said as he screamed at Israfel in his head. "What am I doing, anyways? Just hanging out around the house?"

"Nope," Israfel answered. "The Japanese Defense Force has created something that's supposed to make Humangelions obsolete. You'll be spokesperson for SEELE when you go with Sandolphon."

"Something bad going to happen?"

"I don't think it's-"

* * *

"Likely that there won't be problems," Adam explained as he stood around a number of other Angels. "That's why we're splitting duties. Lillith and the Second Child ought to be able to deal with any Angels that head after the fleet and its…cargo, and I'm confident Sachiel can take down any Eva that attacks Tokyo-3."

"Then things are going quite well," said an Angel simply known as NERV-3.

"Yes," said another named NERV-6. "Things are going as we've planned. And we'll hold up our end of the bargain, Adam."

"You mean…Eve?" Adam asked, feeling a little bit hopeful. Sure, Israfel and Sandolphon were great eye-candy…but Eve had been great. _I'll get you back, Eve_, Adam thought. "Anything else?"

"No, but we want you to cut back on the beer. Our stock is starting to be depleted."

"NEVER!"

* * *

"This is so great!" Lillith said as she pranced around the top-secret military vehicles on the UN flagship. "I'm almost sorry that Sachiel's all alone back at Tokyo-3!"

"Yeah," Bardiel remarked as he gave one military officer a swirly, trying to get the secrets about Area-51. "But at least Israfel's here, meaning Sachiel doesn't have a hardass… and we have sweet eye-candy."

"And a super-hot chick to boot!" Leliel shouted as he filmed a number of planes and helicopters flying onto the carrier. Everybody was having a good time, except for Israfel.

"Damn," she muttered as a spidery Angel stepped out of one of the planes. "Material, so nice to see you!" she exclaimed, feigning happiness.

"Israfel!" Material said back as Leliel took more pictures of his plane. "So nice to see you after college! How's Sandolphon?"

"She's fine. So how's the Second Child doing. You said her name was Arael?" she looked around, trying to find the Second Child, but Material shut her up.

"She prefers being called 'Boss'. She's actually the head of the Germany branch…" but another female voice cut him off.

"Material!" shouted a birdlike Angel as she stepped out of the plane. "You're on company time! No talking with people you had rampant sex with for a whole week in college!"

But Material couldn't answer, mainly because Israfel was strangling him for giving away that fairly personal bit of information. Leliel and Bardiel, however, had already jumped in to introduce themselves, looking at thighs and breasts that would make Colonel Sander's mouth water, from a business point of view, naturally. Mmmmm… chicken…

* * *

"So as you can see," a business-suited Angel said as he summed up talking about the Japanese Government's greatest creation to use against the Evas. The creature looked much like an Eva. It was white, almost like a suit of armor, with a red cape, two green jewels on the shoulder, a red jewel where the heart would be on an angel, and a long sword. "Escaflowne is far more superior to the "Humangelions", is far cheaper to repair, doesn't need LCL, and does not require an umbilical cable."

"Yes," Sandolphon said as she stood up, "But what of this Energist? The danger of an overload is far too great, and the pilots are in far greater danger than if they were in a Humangelion."

"What? Because of a lack of an AT-field?" the scientist shot back, "We'll figure that out later."

"And in the meantime, these "obsolete" Humangelions will be fighting _Escaflowne's_ battles for it, and in the meantime racking up an impressive combat record. I must remind you that a Humangelion pilot also has a much higher synch-ratio than a Guymelef pilot's does. From a personal viewpoint, Escaflowne, as well as the entire Guymelef line, aren't worth it!"

"But from a financial viewpoint, they are," the scientist explained. "Anybody can pilot a Guymelef, they are more mobile than a Humangelion, and in some cases, like with Escaflowne, it can take to the skies to fight airborne enemies. Can a Humangelion do that? Of course not. I'm sure the voters will go for the cheaper of the two giant mech designs."

Sandolphon could only grit her teeth as she saw that Sachiel stood up to take some heat off her. She wondered just what the green-hued angel would say. "I'd like to say something," Sachiel started, "about my time as a Human pilot. It's helped me find purpose in my life, and I've seen my skill grow since the day I picked up a Euro a number of weeks ago. I was sent here as SEELE's spokesperson, and that's what I'm here for."

"Are we supposed to let a child speak for a enigmatic organization?" asked the scientist. A smile formed on his lips. Killing three birds with one stone would be fun. Sachiel, Sandolphon, and SEELE. The three S's. "I do believe your three sorties have been less than sterling performances. Would you care to pit yourself against Escaflowne in a simple little sparring match? I'm sure we can let the sponsors decide who to back from the fight's outcome."

Sachiel looked over at Sandolphon, who was telling him to go through with it. "But what about the cost of repairs to Shinji?"

Sandolphon looked back at him and smiled. "It'll cost less than what they'll need to do to Escaflowne, if you do it right. Come on, I'm sure Adam will back it up. He's also not in town today, so don't get any ideas about destroying the Remiel. We'll have time for that later."

"Then I accept!" Sachiel shouted to Escaflowne's creator. "Shinji will match blades with Escaflowne tomorrow at noon, outside of Tokyo-3!"

"And Shinji will fall by the Guymelef's sword, Third Child," the scientist said as he walked back into the control room. Standing there were a number of men.

"So the fight is set?" asked one.

"And Shinji will be demolished?" asked another.

"Yes, men. Not to mention I think Sandolphon will feel a certain level of personal loss, when this is all over."

"You mean she's taken a liking to Sachiel?"

"Partly, but there's somebody else that will be crushed by Escaflowne tomorrow. Somebody that Sandolphon knows quite well. Somebody that also was connected to Adam in a physical relationship."

"Splendid."

* * *

"How can you be a pilot, but so…stupid?" Arael asked as she and Lillith sat on the carrier's deck, looking up at the night sky. "It's unprofessional, foolish, and could cause you to die sometime!"

"I don't fear death," Lillith said, almost seriously. "I've got a game face, I just don't like wearing it unless I have to. It's how I cope with the voices." _The voice in the Human_, Lillith said to herself.

"I cope with the voices a different way…" Arael answered. _Fight and ignore them_, she thought. The bird angel then stood up. "If you'd excuse me, I want to get some sleep before jet lag gets me."

"But it's not even eight o'clock…even by Germany's time!" Lillith said as she stood up.

"Yeah," Arael said as she headed down to her quarters. "But Leliel and Bardiel have set up a ton of hidden cameras in my room and it's going to take me an eternity just to get them all, so I gotta start early. See you in the morn-" but something cut her off.

"Boss!" shouted another angel as he ran up to meet the two pilots. "We've got an Eva on sensors! It's huge!"

Arael looked back at Lillith, who had a stern and focused look, her "game face" already appearing. "Let's go," Lillith shouted as she led Arael down to the Humangelion hanger. What she saw there, however, pissed her off to no end. "THEY PAINTED REI'S OUTFIT WHITE, DAMMIT! THIS SUCKS! ORANGE WAS SO BETTER!" The girl then looked over to Arael's Human. It was a long red haired girl wearing a red suit.

"Allow me to introduce you to Unit Asaka," Arael said as she slipped on her plug suit, not knowing that Bardiel and Leliel had also slipped hidden cameras in the hanger as well. "Unit Rei was the prototype to prove you could make it, and Unit Shinji was the test model. _This _is the first Humangelion actually meant to be used for combat." Arael slipped into the entry plug, flipping switches to get everything ready. Lillith quickly followed suit and got into Rei's plug.

"You two ready for this?" asked Israfel over the radio. "This Eva is going to be huge, and you two don't have your aqua equipment. You'll have to make do with fighting on the ships and-"

"But that will be extremely damaging to the boats!" Leliel yelled out over Israfel's shoulder. "You can't seriously mean that!"

"No. I mean THIS!" Israfel shouted as once again bestial screams of rage followed by screams of pain pierced the radio until Material picked them up again.

"Sorry about that. Israfel's got a previous engagement. Anways, get that thing! Units Rei and Asaka, launch!"

Just as the aquatic angel ripped through the hangar, the two Humans were launched out, and they quickly jumped over to the flagship and attached their umbilical cables. They finally got a good look at their foe. It was a giant penguin.

"Okay," Arael said over the radio, "Let's name this one Pen-Pen. Sound good?"

"Such a cute little bird!" Lillith exclaimed, completely ignoring the fact that the creature was _huge_. The two then quickly readied their Progressive knives, waiting as Pen-Pen lunged at them.

"Catch!" shouted Arael as Asaka tossed her knife over to Rei. "The thing's way too big, but the underbelly's gotta be weak!" As Pen-Pen fell on top of the boat, Asaka's hands shot up to hold the Eva at bay. Rei quickly stabbed with both blades into its body, ripping it up the monster's body, killing it. "Wow," Arael remarked as she tossed the corpse of the creature away. "That was pretty easy."

"Yeah," Lillith said back as she handed the blade back and then popped out of Rei. "It's almost like we're not the big fight of the chapter!"

How right you are, Lillith!

* * *

Escaflowne stood in the middle of Tokyo-3's pre-selected fighting arena, with onlookers waiting for the battle between the two fighters. Meanwhile, Sachiel was suiting up again in his black plug suit as Sandolphon briefed him on the situation.

"I don't trust this Guymelef line. There's no soul in Escaflowne," she said, almost to herself.

"You mean there are people's minds in the Humangelions?" Sachiel asked, wondering if that had caused the berserking against Unit-01 all those weeks ago. "Is that why Unit Shinji's gone crazy a few times and Lillith keeps saying there's a voice in Unit Rei?"

Sandolphon looked at him, wondering if it was time to tell him the whole story. No. Part of the story would be good enough. "In a way, yes. Some women that went through… trouble… during the development of the Humangelions and… ended up getting their thought patterns imprinted in the Humans. I don't even know who's in the Humans, so don't bother asking me about that." At least everything she said, except the last sentence, was true.

Sachiel looked at her, wondering just who _was_ inside Shinji? "Well, I think I should get ready for this little match." He chuckled, almost out of nervousness. "Here I am, the fate of all of SEELE resting on me. What's the odds an Eva will pop up?"

"Not good. Lillith and Asaka just wiped the floor with one yesterday night. We've never been hit with two in two days. Don't worry about that. Just kick that thing's ass."

Sachiel smiled. Sandolphon was a better mother and friend than Israfel was… by a long shot. "Thanks. Now it's time I show just what a Humangelion can do against a Guymelef!"

* * *

"Pilot," the scientist stated through Escaflowne's own communication array, "If things start going bad, which they most likely won't, I want you to flip the red switch near your left arm. It's the self destruct device."

"But…" the pilot started… "What good will that do? Won't it show that a Guymelef really _is_ inferior to a Humangelion?"

"Don't worry about that. With Rei and Asaka still in the Indian Ocean… there won't be anybody to stop us taking down SEELE. But get ready. That fool Sachiel actually thinks he can _win_ this. What a joke."

As Shinji popped out of a building, he looked back at the smaller, better armored Umbilical cable. _Thanks, Sandolphon, for all this custom equipment…_ Shinji readied his progressive knives, hoping that if one knife had an attack power of 100, then two should have an attack power of 200.

"BEGIN!" shouted the scientist and Sandolphon as their champions charged, progressive knives pitted against a longsword.

Escaflowne first slashed down, forcing Sachiel to bring his knives up in an "X" to block it. Escaflowne used the opportunity to jab Shinji in the gut with his other hand. As Shinji staggered back, he countered by trying to stab out the Energist, but Escaflowne slapped at Shinji's right hand, knocking the knife out of it.

"Pathetic," the scientist mused as he saw Escaflowne press the offensive. "This is your greatest pilot? Where's his AT field?"

Sandolphon fought a smile. _Don't say anything. Let's just hope Sachiel sticks to the routine._

"GOTCHA!" Sachiel yelled out as he sweeped his leg forward, knocking the knife on the ground to point up. Escaflowne's pilot could only look in horror as he stepped onto it, ripping the Guymelef's leg to shreds. Shinji then charged forward, slashing off Escaflowne's sword arm and then stabbing into the Energist, carving out the mech's energy source.

_Now or never,_ thought the pilot as he flipped the red switch, wondering just how an explosion would work against an AT-field. Escaflowne then automatically sprang forward, trying to wrap itself around Shinji's body.

_CRAP!_ Thought Sandolphon. She looked over at the victorious scientist. She hadn't excepted this! _DAMMIT! I DIDN'T PLAN FOR THIS!_

But thankfully, Sachiel had faced this attack once before, when he'd fought Unit-01. Worrying that he might run into it again, Sachiel had practiced again and again, perfecting a defense against the self-destructing Guymelef. As Escaflowne lurched forward, Shinji jumped back, causing his foe to just ball up and wrap around himself. Shinji carved out the pilot and then punted the mech into the stratosphere, where Escaflowne exploded, killing nobody, as opposed to a massive crowd.

The people stood in awe until Sandolphon stood up and clapped. The onlookers soon followed, and Sandolphon looked at her rival scientist. "You were saying?"

Her adversary looked at her with hatred in his eyes. "This isn't over. The Guymelef line _will_ surpass the Humangelions one day."

"May in a few years," Sandolphon said, almost casually. "But by that time, all the Evas will be beat. And who wants to spend billions of dollars on giant machines meant to fight the Evas when they're all gone?"

The scientist gritted his teeth in frustration and walked away. NERV _would_ fund his project.

A/N: Next chapter, Sachiel meets Arael, and the two get set against each other from day one! But can they set their differences when the newest Eva forces them to have to work as a team? Get ready for the alternate version of the "dancing episode": Now you two! Fight like you want to Dance!


	8. Fight Like You Want to Dance!

A/N: At long last! The parody of the dancing episode! Oh the joy! I don't own Evangelion, Escaflowne, the Konami Code, Star-Trek, or Dance Dance Revolution.

"I hate her already," Sachiel answered as he kicked Bardiel in the crotch to escape from the lethal chokehold. "She looks and acts just like Bardiel."

"She's over there, silly!" Lillith joked as pointed over to the bird Angel as she walked into the room, in a business suit after stepping out of a limousine. Arael talked casually with a few other children about the stock exchange, which scared them all off. It didn't stop Bardiel and Leliel, however, from getting some quality pictures.

"It's not like we care about a girl's personality, anyways," Bardiel said as he snapped a few more pictures before somebody behind him wrapped their hands around his neck.

"No Lillith!" Sachiel said as he moved Lillith away from his archrival, "_I'm_ the one that's going to kill him!" He then continued doing what Lillith had done a moment ago. "But everything else is fair game!"

Unfortunately, the little fight ended before Bardiel could flatline, and the students took their seats as Arael introduced herself.

"As you probably know, I'm a Humangelion pilot, using the third Human created and also the most powerful. I run the German branch of SEELE, enjoy killing millionaires and stealing their money, shutting down orphanages and then hunting down the little buggers and forcing them to work for less than minimum wage. I think that's about it."

"Good, Arael," the teacher said as the class applauded her, "I think there's a seat behind Sachiel. Why don't you sit there."

As Arael walked by him, she paused for a split second, glaring at him with malice, before sitting down.

* * *

"You mean Rei still isn't completely patched up yet?" Lillith pleaded when the three pilots dropped by the Remiel later that day.

"Sorry," Israfel said, "But it's problem enough that I have to keep Sandolphon and Material from sending googly-eyes at each other, and Germany didn't have the time to complete Rei's new body by the time the fleet headed out here. We're busy retrofitting it right now.

"But Sachiel!" she continued, "I heard you defended the Humangelion program a few days ago from a challenger! You've gained a lot more respect around here for standing up like that!"

Sachiel blushed as he realized even his father had been a bit more friendly around him. True, Adam had merely been pointing out his various weakpoints and vital arteries, but still, killing him would be a lot more fun if he could draw out the pain. "It wasn't just me…I mean- I couldn't have done it without Sandolphon's customized equipment!" He looked over to the scientist, who was busy overseeing Shinji's patch job from fighting Escaflowne, and smiled. The lava-coated angel turned and smiled at him.

"Anyways, what's the buzz on the street?" Arael asked, wanting to know why they were down there in the first place. "Are we training today or is there an Eva or what?"

Israfel led them into a control room, where she pointed to some sort of strange thing that resembled a game from Konami. "Well, Lillith _could_ use the training, but we've got other problems. See that? It's the newest Eva, which we've dubbed 'DDROD', or 'Dance Dance Revolution of Doom'. I know Shinji's not completely repaired yet-"

"Actually, we just finished!" Sandolphon stated as she ran into the room, handing the report to Israfel. Israfel looked at it for a second before tossing it behind her, where it hit a mechanic who fell into the launch tube to his death. "I've also taken the liberty of attaching those smaller, better armored cables to both Asaka and Rei."

"Thanks," Israfel said as she motioned for Sachiel and Arael to suit up in the unisex bathroom. The two shot evil looks at each other and then ran in. "Well then, Lillith, it's time for you to build up your synch ratio through intense torture."

"Oh boy!"

* * *

"Looks like I have another person to kill when this is all over," Sachiel mused as he slipped on his black plug-suit. "But the problem is, I don't even know why you hate me so much!"

Arael didn't answer until her own red suit was on as well. "I had assured Adam and the rest of SEELE-Japan that Unit Shinji should only be used for testing, and yet he's sent you out for three sorties and-"

"Four."

"What?"

"Four sorties, if you count Escaflowne," Sachiel explained as he stepped out of the bathroom stall, heading back down to the hanger.

"Thank you for being a perfectionist," Arael shot as she finished suiting up and followed him. "Now as I was saying, Adam's sent you out on a couple of sorties, even though I assured him you'd lose after the first. HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW HUMILITATING IT IS TO BE WRONG! You're nothing but talk, Third-Rate Child!" She lunged at Sachiel, claws unfurled, but once again; Shinji somehow broke free of the restraints and blocked the attack.

Everybody looked in awe as Sachiel casually jumped into the plug and prepared to launch. Arael, however, looked at Shinji for a moment. "Don't think for a second I don't know you're in there!" she said, to the Human and not to the pilot, "I know about you and Adam and Sachiel!" She flew up into Asaka's plug and prepared for the launch.

* * *

"You two ready?" Israfel asked as the two Humans reached the DDROD. Sachiel had his trusty pellet gun, while Arael had brought along a Progressive Lance, obviously something designed from SEELE-Germany.

"No problem!" Arael said as she lunched at the machine, lance slashing down. The attack ended a bit too soon, however, as Asaska's feet somehow became stuck to the Eva as arrows flew by on the screen. With each step that Asaka missed, the Human was shocked a bit more and more.

_She needs help!_ Sachiel thought as he charged at the machine, only to have the same thing happen to him.

* * *

"And that's when everything went downhill…" Material said as he finished the slide-show, "Mainly because the two pilots _did_ manage to knock the Eva down a hill before they were put out of commission. Considering how slowly the Eva moves, we have about two weeks to figure out how to beat this thing."

"Wonderful," Israfel muttered as she once again had to break up Sachiel and Arael from fighting. "ALLRIGHT YOU TWO!" she yelled, causing everybody in the room, including Adam, to crawl back in fear. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR HATRED TOWARDS EACH OTHER, AND YOU TWO NEED TO LEARN HOW TO WORK AS A TEAM, DAMMIT!" She broke in half, and the two attacked in concert, forcing the pilots to use the same types of moves to avoid the attacks.

"Pretty dance!" Lillith said as a thought occurred the Zeruel.

"Lillith, you're either a genius, or you need to stop taking that Ritalin! That's a perfect idea!" the Angel said as he broke up the fight.

* * *

When Bardiel, Leliel, and Armisael stopped by Israfel's home later that week, they heard loud scuffling noises.

"Come on, Israfel!" pleaded a voice that sounded like Sachiel's, "It's not like losing a few hours is going to kill us!"

"Seriously! I'm getting sick of fighting alongside Sachiel too!" said a voice that sounded like Arael's.

"_YOU TWO WILL CONTINUE MY TRAINING REGIME!" _shouted a voice that had only a passing resemblance to Israfel's at her angriest. The door then opened up and standing there was Lillith, who was busy eating a lollypop.

"Hi there!" she said, in her traditional happy attitude. "Sorry about those three, it's just training against the Eva."

The three friends looked in horror as a crushing noise was heard, followed by the sight of Sachiel and Arael flying through a wall and then falling down the building.

"Got them!" said Armisael as she formed a lasso and pulled them back up. The two pilots were in a terrible condition.

"Israfel, I think we need a regime change," Sachiel said as he rubbed his aching arms. "We can't even attack you!"

"That's the point!" Israfel said as she stepped out of the apartment, "You have to learn to move with your feet and react to every little attack that comes at you, now take a few hours off. My hentai collection needs…cleaning again." She walked back into the apartment and then locked the door.

"Really pointless too," Sachiel said as he hopped into the hole in the wall. "Like we can't get in through here?" But it was too late as Israfel kicked him out that way. Apparently, she used one of her bodies to 'clean' while the other would keep watch. "Okay then, let's just go for a walk." He headed down the stairs as Lillith, Leliel, Armisael, Bardiel, and Arael followed.

* * *

"It's hell…" Sachiel pleaded after another five days of training. "We're not getting anywhere!"

"Speak for yourself!" Arael remarked as she continued dodging the attacks that Israfel sent at her. "It's not my fault that you suck at this!"

Sandolphon and Lillith sat there, watching the sparring match. It was true; Sachiel wasn't doing as good a job as Arael was. Eventually Sandolphon called for Lillith to take Sachiel's place, and the both Israfel's had to try extremely hard just to catch them off guard, let alone land a hit. Sachiel, seeing this, stormed out of the apartment and started walking down the hallway. Sandolphon, sensing something may be wrong, followed after him while Lillith and Arael continued dodging everything Israfel sent, eventually forcing their teacher to end the session because she was completely exhausted.

When Sandolphon caught up with him, Sachiel was pounding his fists into a wall, leaving massive craters. "You okay?" she asked as he stopped and turned towards her.

"No, I'm not!" Sachiel answered, more out of frustration than anything else. "Dammit, Arael's right! I really am the 'Third-rate' Child!" He pounded the wall again, and it collapsed from the impacts.

"Sachiel," Sandolphon said as she sat down, "you're just not like either of them. You only do things for one of several reasons: one, somebody's a bastard and you want to kill them. Two, I know you love being a Humangelion pilot and wouldn't give it up for the world. And three, despite the fact you have an ever-growing hit-list, you're a good guy and should never think yourself as a bad fighter. You've just gotta figure something out so you'll keep trying."

Sachiel looked at Sandolphon and smiled. What was her connection with him anyways? Why did she care so much about his well being? Whatever the case, he ran back just as Israfel started the next fight session. He said he'd try one more time, and wanted to test something out.

As Israfel charged at him, he imagined Bardiel. It all worked now! He knew how he fought, he knew what to do! Nothing came anywhere near him, and even Arael was amazed at this instant improvement. After an hour of dodging, Israfel declared they were good enough and should cut back to only three hours of training a day for the last two days.

* * *

That night, Israfel had headed out to stalk Sandolphon and Material, leaving Sachiel and Arael alone at the house. Sachiel was busy watching his own hentai tape that Leliel had given him a number of weeks ago, finally just to figure out the story. _Now I know why they put all the sex in there…_he thought as he took notes on exactly what was going on, _Otherwise the movie is just so confusing! It's like something out of a Giant Mech soap opera! The main character is such a loser! Can't he just stop saying "I'm sorry" about everything?_

He finally turned it off. Sex was starting to be a turn-off for him and he closed up the notebook. Bardiel deserved some time to lick his wounds from their last skirmish, Leliel would likely be slaughtered by Israfel for stalking _her_, Lillith was busy improving her 30 percent synch ratio, and Arael… well… she was busy over at Armisael's house as they played World Tycoon against each other. Arael, as he had heard, had made hostile takeovers much more violent.

It was only nine o'clock, but there was nothing to do. He could use some sleep, since the day after tomorrow would be the fight against the DDROD. He'd have to sleep out here, since Israfel still hadn't thought about repairing the damage to his room.

At about ten, the door opened up and Arael walked in, depressed about something. The angel was careful not to step on Sachiel as she slipped by him and walked into her room. When she walked out, she staggered for a moment and then fell to the ground next to him.

For some reason, it was almost like she wanted to be kissed. Sachiel would have nothing of that sort, and rolled away from her. Arael rolled next to him and wrapped her wings around him like he was some sort of stuffed animal as she muttered something like "Mama…"

_Great,_ Sachiel thought,_ now I'm Mother Goose._ He didn't sleep at all that night.

* * *

To be fair, Israfel didn't get any sleep that night either, as she had to keep chasing after Material and Sandolphon, who couldn't sleep for that reason. Leliel didn't get any sleep either since when Israfel caught him, the trauma alone kept coming to his conscious mind. Bardiel, Armisael, and Lillith got a decent amount of sleep…but Arael slept incredibly well.

"The best night I ever had!" she said in an almost un-buisnesswoman like manner at breakfast the next day. Sachiel and Israfel needed to chug down three cups of coffee just to express thoughts more advanced than "Hungry", "Tired", "Must Kill Arael", and "Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start". Israfel gave them a four-hour training session in the morning and another one in the afternoon. After that, they had the rest of the day off. That meant several things.

One, that Sachiel could finally try to get some sleep. Two, Arael could try to make Sachiel-shaped teddy bears so she could sleep well. Three, Lillith could hang out with her friends again. And four, Israfel could split in half, have one body sleep while the other continued ruining romantic moments for Material and Sandolphon.

"Why do you put up with that?" Sachiel asked early in the evening as he talked with Material in the Remiel. "Israfel makes it so hard for you to work your magic! Besides, girls are icky!"

"I do it because women are just weird, and I'm glad you feel that way about girls…but leave women out of it," Material answered. "The kanji symbol for 'She', when loosely translated, means 'A Woman on a distant shore.' Of course, when you turn it into Engrish it becomes an act of war if said to a Klingon. It's just something you have to deal with. But there's something about Israfel… the way she fires sniper rounds at me whenever I try to kiss Sandolphon, the way she traps me in collapsing elevators, the way she slips curare into my coffee…it makes me feel alive! You'll feel the same way sometime. Now if you excuse me…I have something to drop off to your father."

* * *

After some quality sleep on everybody's behalf, Sachiel and Arael were ready to have their rematch with the DDROD.

"You remember how to do it, right?" Israfel asked as they suited up again. "You remember every step of the routine?"

"And I know we'll be done if about sixty seconds if we do it right," Sachiel answered as he walked away from them and hopped into Unit Shinji. Arael followed suit and got into Unit Asaka, and Israfel wondered if maybe she should use some sort of explosive weaponry to go after Material next.

But that was no matter, and Sachiel and Arael once again faced off against the Eva, letting their training guide them as they reacted to each dance step. It started almost being like a game between them as they continued racking up one massive combo, shooting off into the quadruple digits. With each step, the Eva became more and more damaged until at long last, it self-destructed.

Of course, they ended up stumbling, and ended up on the ground. Sachiel and Arael were already out of their Humans, exchanging blows.

"I got a 1800 point combo!" Sachiel shouted.

"Oh yeah? I got a 1801 point combo!" Arael shot back. The two started strangling each other, and it wasn't until Rei was launched and broke up the fight.

"You ruined Shinji! He needs another complete repair job!"

"Fair enough! He sucks compared to Unit Asaka!"

"If you two really want to kill each other, you're going to have to wait until the last Eva, dammit!" Lillith shouted, her voice made much louder because Rei said the words as well.

* * *

Material walked into Adam's office later that day, noticing that Zeruel was also standing there with the head of SEELE.

"So you got it?" Adam asked as he sat down, searching his desk for another can of beer.

"Yeah," Material answered as he tossed a briefcase to Adam. Zeruel took the liberty to open it, and lying there was a small embryonic creature.

"Gendo…" Adam remarked as he picked up the container that held the creature. "The first…" He then looked a little deeper, finding that somehow, Material had smuggled two entire kegs of beer into the briefcase. Adam smiled as he set the tap. "Thank God," he said as he passed out a few glasses, "For confidential documents and materials."

A/N: Next chapter, Asaka and Arael find themselves scraping off against another red monstrosity deep in a volcano! But when the newest Eva escapes and prepares to go on a rampage, can Rei stop it before Japan decides just to cut its losses and just bomb the crap out of all three of them? And what happens when Lillith starts hearing that strange voice again… more importantly… whose voice is it? Find out the answers to some of these questions next chapter: You Don't Eat Ramen?


	9. You Eat Meat?

A/N: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. I did borrow it from a friend of mine at school, but I didn't buy it. I also don't own Microsoft.

Sachiel and Lillith were doing the happy dance later that week when they found out their class was taking a trip to a set of hot springs on the outskirts of Tokyo-3. Arael was also doing the happy dance, but only because she had found out that she'd just bought Microsoft out from that stupid nerd, and now he was flipping burgers down the street from the multi-billion dollar building he'd owned just a few days ago. That and if they left Tokyo-3, Arael could double back and stalk Material all night long.

Unfortunately for Lillith and Arael, Israfel had bad news as she said they couldn't go on the field trip.

"But… but…" Lillith said with her best sad puppy-dog eyes, "I was really looking forward to this!"

"And why does the Third-Rate Child get to go?" Arael said, angry at the fact she'd have to stay home, and that hot springs might've been a good add-on to her economic empire.

"You're to blame for it, Arael," Israfel explained as they all stood in the Remiel's briefing room. "Shinji needs yet _another_ patch job, meaning it wouldn't do any good to keep him here. Besides… _he's _actually caught up with his homework and getting good grades, something you two have yet to do. Come on! I'll take you guys out for Ramen afterwards!" She noticed Sachiel was looking very nervously at the quickly angering Lillith and Arael.

"Stupid 'Every-Child Left Behind Act'!" Arael growled as she looked over Israfel's shoulder, as if she'd seen something unusual. "Hey Israfel! I think the drinking fountain that's below us but twenty floors down and requiring three hours of passing through security safeguards isn't working. Maybe you should take a look at it."

Lillith nodded in approval at the idea, and Israfel couldn't see the harm in it. As she left, she heard the sounds of two girls beating the snot out of their comrade.

* * *

"I hate you for this…" Sachiel said several hours later, but now once again in the medical wing of the Remiel in a full body cast. "More-so for actually beating me up. Because of that… if Bardiel finds out about this… I'm a dead man!" 

"Relax, Sachiel!" Lillith said in a cheery mood as she patted him, intentionally forgetting the fact his entire bone structure was shattered and would take three weeks to heal. She also ignored the screams of agony that shattered all the mirrors on the medical wing. "You get to stay here… and listen as Arael and I eat up all your phone minutes!"

The screams became even louder and more desperate until Sandolphon stepped into the room, worried about Sachiel. "Lillith, I think Sachiel could use some 'alone time' right now."

"But he needs a friend to stand around and torture him!"

"No I do-" Sachiel started to say until Lillith clamped down on his mouth.

"See! He said I do!" Lillith said in a perfectly innocent voice.

"Whatever the case, you're due for another round of synch tests. We're still trying to get you past the thirty percent mark," Sandolphon said. She waited until Lillith was gone, and then stood there and looked at Sachiel in a caring look before leaving. As she opened the door, the angel called out to her.

"Sandolphon?" Sachiel choked out just as Sandolphon stepped out the door. She stopped, however, at his calling. "Why do you… I dunno… watch out for me and everything?"

Sandolphon stood there for a _long_ time, letting a debate ensue with the mother, woman, and scientist inside her. Eventually, she spoke. "I made a promise to somebody a long while ago. Somebody that swore to your father to look after you no matter what. But that person soon got into a situation that meant she could only protect you in certain circumstances. I promised her I'd keep an eye on you everywhere else." She turned back to Sachiel and smiled.

"You mean… you promised my mom?" Sachiel asked, reaching the only conclusion he could think of.

"Something like that. Now get some sleep."

* * *

As Lillith ran through her synch-test again, her eyes snapped open. She wasn't in Rei anymore. She was standing in what seemed to be a laboratory, looking at a lava-coated angel strangling someone that looked like… her. They were frozen in time… 

"Is this you?" asked Lillith, wondering if she was talking to whoever the voice in Rei was. She walked to see the sight better, and a voice came out of nowhere.

"I wasn't of any use anymore. You proved that, whoever you are. You aren't Lillith… Lillith's dead… right here… this is where Lillith died…" The voice seemed mellower now. "You care about Sachiel, correct?"

"Well, yeah! I mean, he's a pilot and everything, and he saved my life!" Lillith answered, wondering what the voice was getting at. "I also sort of feel I have some other obligation for protecting him…"

"Well…" said the voice, "I do not. You may not be Lillith, but I trust you will do the best for Sachiel… and humanity."

As everything started to fade back to the cockpit of Rei, Lillith called out again. "Wait a second! Who are you?"

"Would you believe… guardian angel?" The voice had more than a slight uneasiness to it.

"No, considering you tried to kill me once!"

"How about one of the people that you saw there?"

Before Lillith knew it, her conversation was ended, and she was stuck back in the cockpit, her ratio up to 45 percent.

"Good job, Lillith," Israfel said as both she and Sandolphon saw the display. Her pager then began beeping. "Sorry, Sandolphon, but I gotta check out what the suits want."

* * *

"We're positive it's an Eva," said a techie as Israfel looked at another display. "When we took a look in this conveniently placed volcano, our cameras burned out quickly, but not before we saw what we needed to. There was an AT-field." 

Israfel nodded, understanding what was going on. There was a single problem with what she was seeing, however. "Why do I see these two guys fighting on the screen?" She pointed at it just as a fighter garbed in a green tunic with a longsword smashed down a samurai. "Dammit!" she yelled out as the angel looked behind her, then ran up the stairs into the hospital wing, beat the snot out of Sachiel again and ran back down. "Sorry about that."

"Wavebird?"

"Yeah," Israfel nodded as she once again got down to business. "But as you were saying?"

"Ah, thank you. As I was saying," the angel continued again, "this Eva doesn't seem to be fully developed yet. Getting a living copy of an Eva could help us out on the S-2 engine development."

"I'll see what I can do," Israfel said as she headed back down to the Humangelion hanger to ask Rei to dinner that night. The young girl jumped at the chance, and she could talk to all three of the pilots that night.

"And that's about it," Israfel concluded as she finished her story. "Unfortunately, the Japanese government isn't going to let us do something that could possibly blow up in our faces."

"What does that mean?" Arael asked as she cuddled up with her Sachiel doll. Sure, she hated him, but the doll was a wonderful invention. "We're going to have backup?"

Israfel shook her head. "No. In case anything goes bad, then the military is just going to N-2 mine the volcano's ass off. So in case of that, we're doing our best to curb damage if it happens."

Lillith sat there, looking down at her all-meat dinner. She was still thinking about the run-in with the voice earlier that day, wondering _why_ she'd seen herself…

"Lillith, is that okay with you?" asked Israfel, snapping the girl out of her haze.

"I'm sorry… what?" she asked, suddenly remembering where she was.

"Have you been listening at all, Wonder-Girl?" asked Arael, suddenly aggravated how both her fellow pilots were either space-cases or losers. "She said that since I have a higher synch ratio, I'll be doing the capturing while you sit back at the Remiel!"

"What she said," Israfel continued. "Is that going to be okay with you?"

Lillith nodded. She needed to talk with Sandolphon about something, anyways.

* * *

"My glorious Humangelion!" Arael yelled out as she saw the D-Type equipment that had been equipped on Asaka. "She's so… fat!" 

Sandolphon looked at the whining bird and shook her head. "Would you rather prefer Asaka jumped into that volcano _without_ that gear? I'm sure she'd survive for about… maybe five seconds… sound good?"

Arael quickly shut up and hopped inside, ready for her third sortie. Sandolphon looked over her shoulder, seeing that Lillith was also suited up if the capture attempt didn't work. "Penny for your thoughts, Lillith," the scientist said as she tossed the coin over to the girl.

"Is that before or after taxes?" Lillith joked as she pocketed it. "Seriously, though… I've been hearing a voice in Unit Rei. It keeps saying that I can't be Lillith because she died… and I saw something from the past. It looked like an Angel that seemed to be your mother was strangling a younger version of me…" She looked up at the woman, wondering just what was going on.

Sandolphon looked at the pilot, as if something very important to her had just been changed. "It's nothing. I'm sure that voice will explain it… given enough time." She walked away, dropping by the kitchen. As she reached for a cup of coffee, she heard someone behind her.

"What's eating at you?" asked Material as Sandolphon turned around.

"It's just…" she paused for a moment sighed. "I'm starting to think I've been lied to… about the people in the Humangelions. You'd think being a sex toy for Adam would let you learn something confidential or something… but nothing!" She quickly blushed, considering Material had caught on to what she'd said.

Material, however, just smiled and hugged her for a moment. "You'll be fine. Incidentally I'm starting to think we should see other people. After all-"

He was cut off as the door was blasted open, and standing there was Israfel with a chainsaw. "Hugging on company property?" Israfel asked as she revved up the weapon. She quickly realized the two were breaking up however, and jumped on Material, thanking him for coming to his senses.

* * *

_So far so good,_ Arael thought as she slowly trapped the 8th Eva's embryo. "Alright. Target acquired. Hoist me up." As Asaka was lifted back up outside the volcano, however, she sensed some sort of quaking. "What the… guys? Talk to me! What's happening?" 

"Boss!" yelled out Material as he pried Israfel off him long enough to see what was happening. "That thing… it's gone active! Get the hell out of there! And Israfel… I told you! My toenails don't need any more clipping!"

Before Arael could react, the embryo burst open, forming another red-hued Eva with four green eyes that knocked both her and itself up into the air. As the two brawling fighters landed on normal ground, two N-2 mines quickly dropped down on them.

_Gotta think fast!_ Arael thought as the two mines fell to the ground. Her AT-Field might curb the damage drastically, but what about the Eva's field? She lunged at the Eva, but the creature countered by jumping to the side and smashing its shoulder into Asaka. The Eva lifted Asaka up, and the Human took the brunt force of both mines. She was still alive, but the Unit had gone -for all intensive purposes- dead.

_She needs help!_ Lillith thought as she flipped on Rei. "Okay! Can we launch her?" she asked to the control crew.

"Right away!" shouted Zeruel. "Unit Rei! Launch!"

Rei, having been positioned to be launched near the volcano, quickly leapt into the fray as Asaka was smashed into a cliffside. _Okay…_ thought Lillith… _need a plan…_ She readied her progressive knife and slashed at the Eva, only to see that it too had a knife. The two matched move after move with speed that couldn't seem possible for mechs that big, but the speed was there. As the two clashed, however, it was apparent that Rei was on the defensive too much, and eventually the Eva kicked her into a wall as well.

Things started going black for her… until that voice called out to her again.

"You can't lose!" yelled out the voice in Rei. "You said you have an obligation to protect Sachiel! He's in no condition to fight!"

Sachiel. That paranoid bastard that was at least tolerated by everyone around him. Bardiel wanted him dead, that was no secret, but even Adam at least respected him as a pilot. She _had_ to protect him… she knew she had to!

"Oh… my god!" yelled Sandolphon as she caught what was happening to Lillith's synch ratio. "She's up to 68 percent!"

As the Eva charged at her to finish the job, Rei rolled to the side, the two minds inside of it working as one. She caught hold of the Eva's arms and legs, holding it steady. But then, its red core began to glow… it was going to self-destruct.

And then… it was over. A loud slashing noise was heard, and the Eva slumped to the ground. Behind it, was standing Asaka, knife in hand.

"Thanks about that," Arael said as she patted the Humangelion on the back. "Now let's go home and rub this failure in Sachiel's face."

* * *

A door slid open in Adam's office as someone stepped into it. 

"Sandolphon… you're a little early… and overdressed," Adam started as he turned around in his swivel chair. "I'm assuming you have something on your mind."

"Yes," the Angel said as she looked at the commander. "It's about the people inside the Humangelions. You lied to me about who's inside of Rei… and therefor who's inside of Shinji. I want answers and knowing who's really inside them."

Adam chuckled mildly before finishing off a can of beer. "You honestly think _I'm_ the person with those answers?" he asked. "I'm in this for Eve, and you know that. You're just the substitute until I get her back." He suddenly turned quite serious. "Honestly, however, don't do anything stupid. NERV wants the Angels destroyed, and that's what I'm doing. After that… Eve can come back. Don't do anything that will undermine that, and I won't have to raise a hand against you."

Sandolphon looked at the bastard that she had a physical relationship with. Or… _used_ to have a relationship with. She turned and walked into the elevator. As she rode it down, several thoughts wound through her head. _Was I really that wrong about the voices in Rei and Shinji? I have to admit makes less sense than before at face value… but there's no doubt about it._ She walked by the hanger, looking at the combat, test, and prototype Humangelions. "Randolphon… Mom…" she said as she walked away, "You keep those kids safe… please…"

* * *

"We beat an Eva! We beat an Eva! WITHOUT YOUUUUUUUUU!" sang out Lillith and Arael as they pranced around Sachiel's medical bed, sticking their tongues out and doing other childish things. Sachiel, bound to his bed, could only grimace. 

"I get the idea!" Sachiel muttered as he reached for the morphine pump. _Anything_ to shut them up.

"Okay you kids…" said Israfel as she walked into the room, letting Sachiel not have to inject the drub into himself. "Get your little scrawny asses out of here!" Lillith and Arael quickly started to complain, but the captain shut them both up by showing stuffed Sachiel dolls outside the room. She then turned to the original. "You know… those dolls are selling _very_ well. You might have a business after you get out of piloting!"

Sachiel blushed at the thought. "Maybe I'll diversify… you know, making dolls out of everybody here." He chuckled as he stood up. "So what do the doctors say?"

"Well… we're lucky this time. You'll be able to pilot in a few more days… so we finally will have all three Humangelions ready for a tri-based sortie. Considering how difficult the Evas are getting… we might need them."

"What about any extra Humangelions in development? Aren't there two more left to finish?"

Israfel nodded. "Unit Toji is well underway… but the last one… work on it hasn't begun yet. Now get some sleep. You got a lot of synch testing to do when you get out of here… and I'm sorry about missing the hot springs, so…" she took out a cassette and popped it in the VCR. "I'm sure this 'Hot and Spicy Springs, Girls Only' tape will do." She smiled and left Sachiel alone with his newest hentai tape.

* * *

"So you switched the tapes?" asked Arael as she and Lillith laughed and walked back down to their apartments. 

"Of course!" Lillith snickered as she stopped by her apartment. She lifted her hands up, checking her watch. "Wait for it… wait for it… right about… now."

An inhuman scream ripped through all of Tokyo-3, its origin: Sachiel discovering that he was watching the opposite of a girls-only hentai tape.

* * *

"Wrong..." Sachiel said as he sat down with his fellow pilots at a Ramen booth, getting ready to make Israfel pay by buying the most expensive items on the menu. "What you two did was just plain wrong."

"Just be glad we didn't tape your eyelids open!" Arael said as she paid for her own meal. Considering how rich she was, she could easily buy up every Ramen stand in town. As she turned to look at Lillith, she saw the girl was starting to blush. "You don't mean..."

"I'm really sorry! Honestly I am!" Lillith pleaded as Sachiel lunged at her, only to be held back by Israfel.

"Okay, you three, what'll you be getting?" she asked as she slammed Sachiel into a wall to make him docile.

Sachiel and Arael quickly ordered quality noodle meals, but Lillith's order amazed them. "I don't eat noodles... do you have something else to eat?"

"Here," Israfel said as she handed the girl a smoldering piece of steak. "This good?" Lillith couldn't answer, just because she had already sunk her teeth into it. But another thing was bothering her.

"Hey, Sachiel and Arael?" she asked as she quickly ordered another three steaks, "Do you ever have times when your Humangelions 'talk' to you?"

Her fellow pilots just looked at her for a moment and laughed. "Are you crazy?" Arael asked, "I helped design Units Sachiel and Asaka! I'd know if there was something else inside of them! They're just machines!"

Sachiel's gaze, however, fell for a moment. _That berserker incident..._ he thought as he finished his noodles and reached for the remains of one of the steaks, only to have his hand stabbed down by Lillith's fork. _Whatever it was... I've gotta find out about it!_

A/N: Next chapter, a terrible power outage rips its way through all of Tokyo-3! Will the pilots be able to match wits with the newest Eva? Will we pick up any extra clues about who's inside of the Humangelions? And what will Adam do when he discovers his beer-cooling tank doesn't work? Find out next chapter: Pop Out of the Pipes Like Mario!


	10. Pop Out of the Pipes like Mario!

A/N: Whoo-hoo! Another review! Thank you to the people that put up with the first chapter, I admit it isn't as good. I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, Escaflowne, Sega, Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, or Barney 

Adam slowly leaned back at his desk , looking up at the Evaroth Tree on his ceiling. His German brewski was halfway finished , and he was planning on making it go out with a bang. Taking Gendo's old cryo-container, he poured the rest of the semi-bitter nectar in it and proceeded to shake it like a martini tumbler. He was going to freeze it, and use the frozen pieces as ice cubes for the rest of his alcohol . It was of crucial circumstances that his "beer-cubes" succeeded, well... not as important as Eve.

_Eve_, he thought as he plugged in the cryo-beer container and looked down at the picture on his desk of a longhaired angel that was smiling. _I'll get you back. I promise_.

The door slid open as he turned around, and standing there was a depressed Zeruel. "Word's come in that Unit Toji is nearing completion. We've already begun searching for a pilot."

"Why are you talking with a somber tone? It's been established that Unit Toji has more power than the other three Humangelions put together."

Zeruel handed Adam a folder. "NERV's already said who they want to pilot and even contacted him. As you can see… it's not who we'd hoped for."

"I see what you mean," Adam said as he closed the folder. "But at I was under the impression that you didn't give a damn who piloted them."

"It's the situation the pilot will find himself in. It looks like it will be worse than it is between Sachiel and Arael."

* * *

"Gah!" Sachiel screamed at Lillith and Arael as he pounded on his apartment's door. "Let me in, dammit!"

The door opened up a little bit, and Arael's grin shone through, "In a moment Sachiel! We're busy inviting Bardiel over!"

Sachiel pounded on the door even harder. "Come on, please!" He still hadn't recovered from his injuries inflicted so he couldn't go on the hot springs. Normally, he could take Bardiel with some effort, but with his bones still healing… well he was not looking forward to an asshat . Slowly, the elevator door opened up, and standing there was a _very_ sadistic looking Bardiel. "H-hey Bardiel? You're not going to beat on a cripple, are you?"

"Well, I've been doing some thinking," Bardiel said as he leered . "I've decided you're really not worth it. Sound good cripple ?"

Sachiel began to think of the ways to torture Bardiel and made note to retaliate soon. _328...329...330...wait, if I include father...then I could... _He had to take it for now. 

The elevator slid open again, revealing Armisael and Leliel. "Hey, Arael!" shouted out the wire-like angel, "You'll never guess what I got!"

The apartment door opened up to reveal a business-suit clothed Arael, who lost her professional appearance by having a Gagiel -shaped briefcase. "What?" she asked, trying not to sound too unprofessional.

Armisael lifted up one of her ends, showing a game cartridge. "The newest game by Sega! Because, as we all know, Sega is the most powerful game company on the planet and would _never_ lose to Sony, Microsoft, or even that kami- Nintendo! Wanna play at my place ?"

Arael quickly jumped off the balcony and flew down, Armisael in quick pursuit. That left Lillith standing behind a quivering Sachiel, who slipped back inside while Lillith decided to hang out with her friends.

"So how's Sachiel holding up?" Leliel asked as they rode the elevator down to street level. They walked out and sat on the curb, staking out the Ice-cream truck's path, ambushing it whenever they got the chance. "I heard he's missed out on _two_ Eva battles, and his track record's quickly going downhill."

"What do you mean?" Lillith asked as she quickly ran into the path of the truck, causing it to swerve and smash into a nearby orphanage, killing over a thousand children, inadvertently saving them from another half an hour of Barney . "His record's still pretty good… I mean… he beat the first two on his own, and if it weren't for him, then the Geo-Front would've killed _both_ of us!" She walked into the smoldering ruins, tossing entire crates of ice cream to her friends as they sat down on the curb.

"Not to mention he kicked the crap out of Escaflowne," Bardiel added. "But still… he wouldn't have beaten the DDROD without Arael's help, and wasn't there against Pen-Pen or that latest Eva. What're you going to call it now, anyways?"

Lillith snapped out of her daydream about a world made only of puppy dogs, lots of hentai, and ice cream to answer the question. "Oh? Sorry. It was a lot like that first Eva we dealt with, so we're calling it 'Unit 02'. We just hope that Sachiel will be back at full power before the newest Eva pops up, considering they're constantly getting progressively better and better."

* * *

At about six o'clock, the door to Israfel's apartment was opened up as three people came through it. "Oh," Sachiel said as he rubbed his arms; they were still pretty aching. "Hey, Sandolphon! Where's Israfel? She said this morning you two would get off work at about the same…oh."

Sandolphon quickly raised her hand up in a sign of defeat as Israfel dragged a half-conscious Material through the door. "My best friend," the scientist announced, "A famous member of SEELE, hard-assed captain, and…"

"Please…" Material said, trying to stand up while holding his stomach , "No more…"

"Sexual predator," Sandolphon finished.

"What?" Israfel asked in complete innocence. "I feed him some home-made food last at lunch and this happens! Sachiel! Why haven't you reacted like this?"

Sachiel quickly looked out the window, trying to think of something to say. "Convenient plot device?" he eventually asked, hoping his legal guardian would let that slide. Israfel looked at him for a moment, and let it slide. "If you don't mind, I think I'll head outside and find out how Lillith and the gang are doing. He sprinted outside, still wincing from his injuries, leaving the three adults alone.

"So how's things going?" Sandolphon asked as she helped put Material on a couch so he could recover. "I heard that after I stopped being Adam's little pet that he started looking around for a replacement, and that you were the next on his list."

Israfel smiled as she helped nurse Material back to health. "You have no idea how difficult the computer graphics generating was."

"What?"

"Nothing."

* * *

Adam stood around the NERV conference room, glad that he was a little bit early to do things in the dark. "Oh God," Adam said as he started to take his provisions from his backpack. "I love to smoke…"

"Adam," called out NERV-01.

"…and drink lots and lots of beer!"

"_Adam!_" the voice had a much larger amount of stress to it.

"…and look at pictures of Israfel with Sandolphon!" Adam said as he pulled out some photographic materials that would never be allowed to be described in this fanfiction.

"ADAM!" yelled out all the members of NERV, causing the SEELE commander to snap out of his erotic trance and almost drop his beer, yeah right... in reality he chugged it frantically with all intent on letting it never see the light of day again. 

"Yes?" he asked sheepishly, having only noticed then that the committee had surrounded him.

"As wonderful as all those things are, I think," said NERV-01, "That it would be better if we kept a hold of them. Especially the pictures." Adam reluctantly handed them over, and the meeting then began. "As I was saying," the Angel started, "You are aware that we've already made our selection for the fourth child… as well as Unit Toji's nearing completion."

"And we've also begun getting offers from the Japanese government about their Guymelef series," continued NERV-07. "They're also looking into pilots for their own program… and we admit they are making progress while your son has been stuck in rehab from injuries caused by his _own_ fellow pilots."

"I hope, for your wife's sake that you'll be able to prove the Humangelion series is the superior of the two giant mech designs," NERV-04 concluded.

Adam nodded once before answering. "Technically, a Humangelion is a bio-mech. Honestly, you fund the program and you don't even read our status reports? You disgust me." He turned around and walked away, leaving NERV's members to determine their course of action.

"I think," said the often-silent NERV-00, "that Adam deserves to have his ego deflated a decent ways." The angel walked up to the other members and picked up all the photographic materials and burned them up. "Adam… so predictable."

* * *

Sandolphon flipped through her most recent collection of Humangelion-related documents in her lab as she looked at the three there. She couldn't believe Adam had lied to her about the women inside Units Rei and Shinji. She picked up a phone, dialing up Zeruel's number.

"Yes?" asked the sub-commander as Sandolphon noted the lights had flickered a slight bit.

"Zeruel, it's me, Sandolphon. I was wondering if I could sit down with you some time and talk about what's going on with the Humangelions. Do you think-" but Zeruel heard nothing more, because the lights and the rest of the power in the Remiel shorted out. "Dammit!" Sandolphon quickly ran to the nearest traditional wooden door and began running up the flights of stairs. She flicked on her cell-phone and speed-dialed Israfel and Material.

"Sandolphon!" shouted Israfel from the cell phone, "What's going on? Everything's screwed up here! Powers down all through the Remiel… and not to mention that the rest of the city!"

Sandolphon quickly let her scientist side flow through her, calculating what was going on. "The Remiel has Main, Secondary, and Reserve power circuits. Israfel, what's the condition of the circuits?"

Israfel quickly looked over one of the only operating screens in the command room. "We've got twenty of our usual six hundred, sixty six circuits working. That's barely enough to keep four computers running, and not even enough to launch a Humangelion!"

Sandolphon quickly sprinted up the stairs, burning through doors with her lava whenever she could. "Okay. Use the circuits to keep that one computer online, and whatever three computers are the hosts for the Ireul in Tokyo-3. We don't want to lose it!"

"What about the Humangelions? Or if there's an Eva attack?" Israfel asked, worried that if there was an attack, they wouldn't know about it.

"Come on, Israfel! What're the odds that-"

* * *

"An Eva's attacking!" screamed Adam as he drove his commandeered car back to the Remiel, noticing that a massive creature like a Humangelion was stomping through Tokyo-3. It seemed to be male, swinging around a gigantic camera, and wearing your typical otaku glasses _Dammit! I'm too sober for driving well!_ Adam thought as he stopped by Tokyo-3 High, running into the office. "I'm the commander of SEELE and drunken master ! There's an Eva attack and we need all our pilots!"

The secretary quickly nodded, telling him where to find his son, Lillith, and Arael. Roughly five minutes later, Adam had literally thrown all three of them into the car and continued driving.

"Dad!" Sachiel shouted, angry that once again, his father had found the time out of his schedule, only because he was needed. "What the hell is going on?"

"Eva attack, moron!" shouted Arael, poking Sachiel in one of his more injured points. Sachiel quickly began fighting back.

"Stop the fighting!" screamed Lillith. "You're gonna make me cry!"

"WILL YOU THREE JUST SHUT UP!" Adam screamed, and for one minute, he truly _was_ a father. "Sachiel! Underneath your seat is a voodoo doll of me and a switchblade. Amuse yourself. Arael! For god's sake, be normal for a girl your age! There's a Sega Game Gear underneath your seat! And Lillith! There's a stuffed Rei doll underneath your seat, the special one with the piece of toast in your mouth. That should keep you busy!" The three all cheered in enjoyment, and the car managed to reach the entrance, despite Adam's violent spasms of pain and Sachiel's maniacal laughter, to the Remiel well ahead of the new Eva. "Status report!" yelled out Adam as the three children suited up and ran to their respective Humangelions.

"We've managed to get enough power back for one launch tube," explained Israfel as she handed Adam what he needed. "The problem is this new Eva, which seems to attack with a giant camera, has occupied the area directly above that tube."

"What's its name?" Adam asked as he reviewed what his options were. All three of the Humangelions were already set to launch, but the first one would have to be launched into the Eva to actually fight.

"We're calling it 'Kensuke'. Don't ask me why."

Adam nodded, sortie attack already set. "Launch Unit Shinji out first, then Asaka, and then Rei."

"Are you crazy?" shouted Sandolphon as Israfel and Adam reached her in the launch bay, the Humangelions ready to be launched. "Sachiel's not at full power! And Unit Shinji still isn't fully repaired!"

"But it'll be cheaper to repair one Human than two!" Adam shot back in his usual, bastard-ish manner.

Sandolphon sighed, knowing this was going against her promise. But she had confidence Sachiel would see it through.

* * *

As Kensuke swung his video camera around the city, smashing down buildings, it looked down as a shutter opened up. From the bowels of the earth, up shot Shinji, knife in hand, and the Human ended up bashing into the Eva's stomach, headfirst. The two clashed as the knife met the camera, batteries and sparks flying everywhere.

Asaka was the next to arrive, and she readied her pellet gun and opened fire as soon as Shinji was out of the line of fire.

Rei, who had been dubbed "baggage donkey" for this fight quickly followed suit, and she tossed a handgun to Shinji and readied her own.

"Any last requests?" Arael asked to the Eva as she opened up fire, and Rei and Shinji shot off their guns as well. In a rather anti-climactic show, the bullets ripped holes through Kensuke, killing him without trouble.

"Wow," Sachiel said as he jumped out of his Humangelion to inspect the bullet-ridden otaku . "That guy was a joke!"

"Yeah," Lillith remarked as she jumped down as well, and Arael joined her fellow pilots. "Kinda stupid. You'd except this guy to be the toughest we'd have fought so far."

"I know what you mean," Arael said as she called in the recall crews. "From what I heard, Sachiel had worse luck against Unit-01! At least then he needed the convenient plot device from hell! But I guess that's just because I wasn't around back then!"

"So you're like a good luck charm?" Lillith asked, once again calling upon her dreaded puppy-dog eyes. "Can we make little key-chains out of you then?"

Arael nodded in agreement with the idea, and quickly ran down to the patent office to get even richer. Sachiel was upset about that for a moment, and then he noticed he still had the switchblade and the Adam voodoo doll. That kept him busy, or at least the switchblade did.

* * *

"Way to go man!" Leliel said to Sachiel as Adam drove him, Lillith, and Arael back to school later that day. "You kicked that loser's butt!"

"I have to admit you did a great job, but it's time to play pinata cripple ," Bardiel smiled as he approached with a baseball bat, only to see Sachiel's new knife. "Aww damn, knowing you, it's probably some 'Progressive Switchblade', right?"

Sachiel stood there for a moment, wondering what would be more amusing. He then nodded. "A prototype _super_ switchblade!" Sachiel said as he charged at Bardiel, once again rekindling the battle between two enemies.

Bardiel quickly lost, but he still held a wicked smile on his face. _Feel victorious when you have the chance, Sachiel,_ Bardiel thought as he sat back down in his seat with a number of bumps, bruises, and mutilations . _You won't be able to much longer!

* * *

_

Adam sat back in his desk, relaxing as he went over the most recent fight with Zeruel. "And I think we might actually be getting the hang of dealing with the Evas," Adam said as he concluded.

"Indeed, but NERV's still considering giving our funding to the Guymelef series," Zeruel answered back. "But at least we've managed to keep a good track record."

Adam laughed as he called up Material with the last keg of the beer from Germany, but the spider-like Angel came with a stern look on his face.

"I have some bad news, sir," Material said.

"What is it?"

"When we lost power here, all the air conditioning and cooling instruments went dead. That means…" He lifted up some dripping cases from the general stock. 

Only years of bastard-ness prevented the commander of SEELE from crying out then and there, he was visibly distressed though. Suddenly, Adam panicked and frantically pulled out his cryo-beer cubes, only to lift up a container of lukewarm alcohol.

Control lost, Adam's screams of pain were heard all throughout Tokyo-3.

A/N: Next chapter, the newest Eva attack causes Israfel to snap and have an all-out attack against her friends and family! Can Material, Sachiel, and Sandolphon knock some sense into her when the Eva proves to be far more unpredictable than any of the others? Find out next chapter: Settle the Score.


	11. Settle the Score

A/N: Dammit! I've got to juggle four fanfics around again! And just when I had APUSH bookwork to do! Grrrrg… I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or Kinkos. And thanks to Matt020388 for being my beta-tester... and arch-rival in Marvel vs. Capcom.

"Come on, you pansyasses!" shouted Arael at both Sachiel and Material. They were forced to drag the angel's entire cumulation of things that she bought. Considering the contents of a few malls (the buildings as well) had been bought during Arael's excursion, Sachiel was really wishing he had Shinji to lend a hand. "You losers need all the exercise you can possibly get!"

"The hell I do, boss!" shouted Material, "I'm a giant spider, dammit! I'm not even a pilot!"

"True, but you are my employee, which means I can boss you around however I feel!" Arael quickly bought up several more coffeehouses and dumped them onto Material, whose legs were starting to shudder from the weight stress. "Quiet acting like you can't carry it… I've seen you haul Isra-"

"Don't you dare say that!" screamed Israfel as she emerged from a flower pot, pounding Arael with a nasty haymaker. "What good is a sexual predator if everybody knows who she is?" The angel quickly looked around, realizing how loudly she had stated it and how many of the boys that had been eyeing her were currently running as if their asses depended on it. When she looked back towards Arael, the CEO and her posse had already vanished. _Alone… please… not again…

* * *

_

It was fifteen years ago: the Second Impact… being a little girl on her dad's research team as they investigated the frozen "First Eva", Gendo, at the South Pole. Seeing that woman there, eyeing the monstrosity of bastardness every moment of every day... with Commander Adam watching her just as intently…

Israfel remembered watching her father spend hours trying to understand just what made the creature work… uncovering something called an "S-2 Engine", which had an unlimited amount of power but was seemingly impossible to replicate.

Days became weeks, and those weeks became months… and yet the mysteries of Gendo remained mysteries. Israfel's father, practically ignoring her and forcing her to suffer long days alone, was continually intrigued by Gendo, almost becoming as fanatical as that strange woman.

Israfel finally snapped one day, deciding to take matters into her own hands. She remembered walking up to the massive black-haired creature, yelling at it, pounding it again and again, trying to get revenge on the thing that had taken her dad from her. Then that woman found Israfel and yelled at her with brutality enough that Adam only heard less than a tenth of it and burst into tears. And her father… taking that _woman's_ side in the argument.

And finally, exactly one year after finding Gendo, the Second Impact. The creature reacting to something and going crazy, overloading, sending forth enough energy to remove all traces of life from the South Pole… and her father… the one time in that whole year he had been there for her was the time she really needed him. Putting her in the plug instead of any of his research… After that, Israfel vowed she'd never permit anyone to say something bad about her father ever again.

Israfel had spent a week in the icy seas until that same damn woman found the plug, opening it and seeing inside was a girl. The woman smiled and said everything would be okay, but as she left the room to eat and wash up, Israfel had heard the woman swear and curse Israfel's entire family…

And it was that day that Israfel had sworn she'd do everything in her power to have revenge on the angel named Eve. If it meant getting attention from Adam, then so be it. Every promotion, every commendation, every… _anything_ she could get so Adam would forget about his dead wife entirely. Sandolphon had settled for being second to a dead woman… but no, not Israfel. That was her reason for struggling so hard here at SEELE.

Or at least that was her excuse for being a sexual preditor.

* * *

That night, the entire gang came over to Israfel's for a big dinner, and Sachiel was amazed his guardian was back to her normal, controlling self. Sandolphon had used some of the freezing crystals meant for chilling the Humangelions so they could salvage what they could of the German beer, and spirits were a decentways better. By the end of the night, Sachiel, Bardiel, Material, and Leliel were all drunk enough to think that Lillith, Armisael, Sandolphon, Arael, and Israfel were mudwrestling. 

That was, until Leliel spoke up and got the beating of his life.

"Hey…" he said as Material helped patch him up, "Is that a new medal making you a Major, Israfel?"

The dancing angel looked down and nodded. "You're the first person to notice… and I really do mean that!" She shot a pair of lethal looks at Arael and Sachiel, who were blasted through a wall by their sheer power. "I almost feel bad for making you sterile!"

"It's okay," Leliel answered, "Not like there are a lot of opportunities for sex when you're a giant gaping hole in the floor."

"Who… who gave you the medal?" asked Lillith as Sachiel and Bardiel once again got into a massive fight over nothing whatsoever. Everybody was busy placing bets for this one, so no one noticed the two having a more focused conversation.

"Commander Adam," answered Israfel as she sipped her drink. The memory came back to her of earlier that day. Having helped be one of the tactical minds in tackling Unit 01, Jet Alone, the Geo Front, Pen-Pen, the Dance Dance Revolution of Doom, Unit 02, and finally Kensuke, she was finally promoted to a new rank.

And yet it wasn't enough… Adam was looking at that picture of that damned Eve the whole time.

"Miss Israfel! You're strangling Bardiel!" shouted Armisael as Israfel snapped back into reality, her hands around the dark blue colored angel.

"Please!" shouted Sachiel, "Don't stop! You almost had him!" But it was too late, and Israfel had let go.

_Does she know something?_ Thought Bardiel as he walked out to the hospital. "I'll see you all later. And Sachiel… get bent…"

* * *

"You okay?" asked Sandolphon as she, Material, and Israfel all whiled away their problems with the world by taking pot-shot sniper shots at American tourists. "You've been like a million miles away for the past couple of days." 

"I have to admit… you're not like your usual controlling self," said Material as he lined up a perfect shot with his sniper rocket launcher. "Woo-hoo! Headshot! I rule!"

"There's no head left, dumbass!" shouted Israfel as she returned the favor by blasting away a bus full of people on a field trip. "Sorry… it's just… I dunno. I thought when I joined SEELE that I'd be doing all sorts of great stuff and eventually impress Adam enough that he'd think of me as his number one… and not just in business matters."

"Don't have that hope," Sandolphon said as she blew up an oil tanker. She loved the fact that thanks to the massive repair budget they had for Eva attacks, they could afford dong stuff like this all the time. And they could write it off on their taxes too. "There was something about Eve that made Adam come to her every beck and call. My mom learned that fact the hard way…"

"You mean Randolphon? Yeah, she was something nice…" Material said, suddenly realizing that was the absolute _worst_ thing to say. Israfel and Sandolphon both picked him up and chucked him off the building, and he landed with a loud thud approximately ten seconds later. As he stood up and dusted himself off, he saw that two red dots had formed on his face, but they slowly moved down lower and lower… until he ran away screaming like a little girl.

"You're right!" Israfel said as she tossed the laser pointers back in her ammo bag, "Toying around is a lot more fun than actually shooting!"

"So you okay now?"

"Nah… probably never will be. But killing Republicans sure makes the pain easier to bear!"

Sandolphon sighed. "Israfel, you can't use that way anymore. Over half of them died in the Second Impact and along with your constant, yet random attacks; you've finally wiped them all out with that last bus. Way to go, killer."

"I do try."

* * *

"Status report!" shouted Israfel a day later before she struck a pose to show off her new promotion medal. 

"As I've been saying for the past five minutes," said a techie, "We've got another Eva attack! I've already called up the pilots and here's the documents needed. I'm sure you can take care of the rest."

Israfel smiled as she started to walk away until a voice rang out.

"Israfel," said a voice behind her. She turned to see Adam standing there. He was blushing and nervous. "I know this might not be an opportune moment to bring this up but…"

"Yes, Commander?"

"My laser printer's busted again and I was wondering if you could print out some of those pictures of Sandolphon and you and put Eve in some on them."

Those last words caused her to snap, and Israfel stormed down into the briefing room, her anger already past the safe maximum level.

"What is it this time?" asked Arael as Israfel walked in and flipped on a few switches.

"SOME DAMN BASTARD THAT LOVES A DEAD WOMAN, THAT'S WHAT!" screamed Israfel. She then calmed down as much as she could and showed the three of them the new target. "Sorry about that. Needed to get it out of my system. Okay… here we have a giant capsule thing. It's planning on crashing down into Tokyo-3 in roughly three hours, so we're going to sortie all the Humangelions, use our AT-Fields to block its field, and then gash out its energy core. Sound good?"

Lillith and Arael, as nervous and scared as possible, quickly nodded and ran out. And yet Sachiel stood there still.

"You hate my father, don't you?" he asked as Israfel slowly shed a single tear.

"Not in the way you'd imagine. I try to impress him… to hurt some damn woman I barely know. I don't know if I really, if in all actuality, I hate him and Eve. I'm sorry Sachiel, but your entire family is rotten." She looked up at the green angel, who was smiling.

"It's okay. I've known my family sucks for a long time. If you want, when I finally kill Adam, I'll castrate him for you."

"You'd really do that?" Israfel asked, her sorrow and anger melting into the warmest joy in her entire life. "You really would?"

"Hey, what are friends for?" he ran out to join Lillith and Arael, letting Israfel answer the question on her own.

* * *

"Alright," said Sandolphon as a number of screens popped up on the HUD of the three Humangelions. "I've done enough searches to get a localized area of where the Eva should drop from. You remember the plan?" 

"No problem," Sachiel said. The counter was quickly nearing zero, and at that point, the cables detached.

Shinji quickly located a giant falling orange contraption, and Sachiel yelled out he'd found the Eva. He quickly jumped right below it and started pushing back, stopping it from destroying Tokyo-3. "Any time now!" shouted Sachiel as he felt he strength starting to give way. Only four and a half minutes of power left…

"On it!" shouted Arael and Lillith as they charged in behind him and stabbed through the Eva's field. The creature's core was quickly sliced into fourths and Shinji through the husk off.

"Another easy victory!" shouted Sachiel as Shinji did the classic "V" for victory.

"What? You don't see it?" shouted Israfel as she looked on the sensors. "Guys! Get your cables attached again! NOW! ABOVE YOU!"

As the three pilots looked above, they saw something blue falling very, very quickly. When it hit the ground, the quake was deafening. And a feeling of dread filled Sachiel, Arael, and Lillith as they realized what they had just finished off was merely a container.

Standing before them was a blue creature not unlike Units 01 or 02, although it had only one eye. It charged, smashing its knee into Shinji's gut and then spun around, kicking Rei and Asaka away.

"Guns! They need guns!" shouted Israfel as she suddenly began to panic. Not again! She wasn't going to lose people she loved to some twist in fate!

A slap for Zeruel set her straight. "Get a grip, Major!" he shouted as he pointed to the viewscreen. Shinji was clashing knives with it while Asaka tried to stand up and Rei attached the cables to the gang again. "I know how you're feeling right now… but that's not important! Keep a cool head, like you have every other single time. Or… that fiery aggressive head that always knew how to get the job done!"

"They still need guns!" shouted Israfel as she pointed to a monitor. "This thing has super bad-ass powers! It's already hacked into our system and named itself Unit 00!"

"Not… zero…" said Sandolphon as her voice trailed off. "The most bad-ass number out there… no wonder it's so powerful…"

"Okay! We're only going to beat something like that the bad-ass style!" shouted the usually silent during battles Adam. "Sniper rifles for all three of them, on the double!"

* * *

"How you doing, Sachiel?" asked Arael as she blocked the next slash from Unit 00, although Asaka was knocked back by the impact. "We'll hold it off while you snipe it!" Rei tackled Unit 00, punching and kicking it in an attempt to hurt the creature, yet it managed to block or evade the more lethal attacks. Asaka quickly joined in the struggle, and Sachiel was almost tempted to toss some mud into the mix. 

But the thoughts caused something to stir inside of Shinji, and Sachiel almost felt a voice was scolding at him. "Okay, OKAY! I'll sort it out at home with some hentai!" shouted Sachiel as Shinji ran over and scooped up the rifle.

He quickly focused, blasting three clean shots straight through Unit 00's head, completely severing it.

"Woo-hoo!" shouted Lillith as she pranced around Tokyo-3, still inside of Rei. "We've got almost all the Evas taken down! How many are left?"

"Don't know," Arael said as she took the opportunity to step on her last economic enemy in Tokyo-3: Sony Entertainment's corporate headquarters. "I think at worst case, seven. And the way things are going now… I'm sure they won't be any trouble."

* * *

"The pilots continue to improve and work as a team," said NERV-8 as the group talked to Adam about the most recent success. "Minimal funds, for the first time, are needed to repair Tokyo-3 _or_ the Humangelions. We must commend you, Adam." 

"Thank you," Adam said as he flipped through the newspaper… or at least the pictures hidden on the inside. _Oh man… I can't believe it was that easy to get on Israfel's good side again…all I needed to say was she was good enough. Thank you digital computer at home and Kinkos…_

"Unit Toji's completion nears ever closer, and after that… we're thinking of skipping straight to the mass produced Unit Kawrous," said NERV-5

"Wasn't there one more Humangelion to complete though? I thought we were going to work on Unit-"

"No!" shouted NERV-6. "Call it old men's fears… and Japan's paranoia. We just don't want you getting your mitts onto S-2 engines. But be glad. After all… you still get Toji."

Adam sighed. "Very well then. Incidentally, how much longer on Toji?"

NERV-1 answered. "Five weeks. And you should be interested in knowing who we've picked to be Toji's… soul."

"And who would that be?"

"You'll find out soon enough. It's another person that was close to you."

Adam bowed again and left. As he did, NERV-0 once again smiled. "Poor Adam. So easily toyed and fooled." The angel waited approximately five more seconds, waiting for any sign that Adam was still there. The angel then quietly whispered "beer."

"I HEARD THAT!" shouted Adam. "NOW WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT THE BEER? EVERYTHING ELSE I'M DOWN WITH, NOW WHERE'S THE BEER?"

_Right here,_ NERV-0 thought as the angel pulled a cord, soaking Adam completely in high-purity alcohol. "Happy?"

Adam thought he had heard that voice before, but considering he was soaked with beer, he was content with forgetting about it. At least for the moment.

Once Adam was out of the building, NERV-0 brought up the important and actual information for the meeting. "I hear Japan's government is offering us top-rank military contracts if we back the Guymelef line. Any problems with that?" None of the other members objected. "Good. We'll cancel all construction acts concerning the Humangelions after Toji. I believe the next Guymelef design is Sherizad, correct?" NERV-0 smiled. "Sachiel, you _will_ die. Sooner or later, and Adam's little lover can't protect you forever."

A/N: Next chapter, a high-power computer begins trying to delete the Ireul virus! Can SEELE figure out how to destroy the technological monstrosity when everything rests on Sandolphon to finish the job and a terrible secret emerges from her past? Find out next time: Hooked on Phonics won't help.


	12. Hooked on Phonics won't help

A/N: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, the Three Stooges, or Star Wars. Get used to it.

Adam was feeling more nervous than usual… and it wasn't the fact he was unusually sober. NERV was making more deals with the Japanese government… and it looked like SEELE's Humangelion line was going to be ended prematurely. Worse yet, several bugs had been detected in Unit Toji and that meant another _month_ in the shop for him.

And no sex wasn't a help either.

"Zeruel?" he asked as he picked up the phone. "What's on my agenda for the day?"

"Sir… it's been a year," Zeruel said through the intercomm. "Eve… and I think Sachiel should go this time."

"Good idea," Adam said as he double-checked his calendar. It was time.

* * *

"You got to be kidding…" Sachiel said as he heard what Israfel said over that morning's breakfast. "Dad wants to spend some time with me?"

"To pay homage to your mom's grave, silly!" Arael said as he tossed Gahgiel, who had gone missing for countless chapters, onto Sachiel. "Now get into shape, dammit! Not going to kill your dad if you can't lift a thirty-ton whale!"

"She has a point," Israfel said as she then dumped one of the Gahgiel dolls onto the pile. "Come on, Sachiel! Do it for the hentai! For the hentai!"

After an hour of struggling to get the weight off, Sachiel eventually did succeed, showered, was shocked to see that Israfel and Arael had taken the opportunity to raid his entire hentai stock and burn it, and then headed off for SEELE headquarters. There was a note on the table for him telling him his dad would pick him up in about fifteen minutes. In the meantime, he should make ice-daggers so he could kill his dad if today was the day.

After about ten minutes, a knocking came from the door, and Sachiel cursed the fact the ice needed another three minutes to finish hardening. When Sachiel opened the door, Adam was standing there, well armored.

"You pilfered Shinji's AT-Field projector?" Sachiel said in shock as he realized he couldn't do anything to break through it.

"You can't kill me yet, son," Adam said calmly as he tossed Sachiel a lightsaber. "Thought you'd like to use it when you finally do, however." He smiled at his son yelling out 'Whoo-hoo'. If he was going to be killed by anyone, best to let it be his psychotic, twisted, sadistic, bastard of a son that would make death so painful. Wait a second… that didn't make any sense!

* * *

"You don't remember her well, do you?" Adam asked as Sachiel played around with the lightsaber, chopping down tombstones left and right. "You were only one when she… died."

"You really loved her, didn't you?" Sachiel asked as then tried the laser sword on a nearby funeral, dumping ALL the bodies in the grave.

"Naturally. And there's one trying to run away. On your left… NO! Your other left!" Adam then sighed. "Eve was great… just plain great. We actually sued the condom company because of you… or at least that's what I thought…" He drifted off, hoping the AT-field would hold out from Sachiel's sudden attack, but his fears it wouldn't were ill-found.

"What happened to her?" Sachiel asked, deactivating his purple lightsaber for a moment, never actually knowing what _had_ happened.

"It was…" Adam said before his watch beeped at him. "Sorry. Business calls. I'll arrange a ride for you and put Shinji's projector back in." As a helicopter landed nearby, Adam ran to it. Just as he stepped in, he stopped. "Sachiel… keep an eye on Bardiel. I don't trust him."

"No problem dad. I've been putting plutonium in his and your food since I was a pilot."

Adam smiled and jumped on the helicopter. "Good job son. I knew you'd- WHAT THE HELL? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME - oh. Good job, anyways."

As Adam flew away, Sachiel smiled. Knowing how comfortable his dad was with dying, was it really worth it? Maybe…

But a laser bolt shot out from nowhere, and Sachiel deflected it with Jedi mastery.

"Well done, young pilot," said Bardiel as he started to walk away from his sniper's nest, "But soon you will be mine! But… I-mean… not in a gay way or anything! I-mean… Dammit! Lost my badass remark!"

* * *

"This looks promising," Sandolphon said as the newest number of synch-tests came out. "I said…" she continued as she pried Israfel away from a writhing Material, "Things are looking pretty good!"

"Oh, good job," Israfel said as she looked over it again. "This whole Eva problem is under our belts now! We've got only seven Evas left to worry about, and even though Toji has to be repaired for some reason that will put his arrival back a few chapters, we're in the clear!"

Silly Israfel. Forgetting that sadistic bastards make not only good parody protagonists but also even better authors.

"Okay kids," Sandolphon said, "We're done for today! Get some clothes on and get back to your normal lives!"

"But we don't wear clothes!" shouted Lillith from the inside of Rei.

"And we don't have normal lives!" shouted Arael. "Look at me! I'm fourteen and a massive CEO! I literally own half the world!"

Sachiel also chipped in. "And I want to kill my dad! That screams Oedipus complex!"

"Only if your mom is alive, thought," Israfel corrected the two. "Whatever the case, get bent, all of you, so I can…" but her voice was cut off as Zeruel ran into the test room.

"Have you taken a look at the Iruel virus?" he asked as he pointed over to a display.

"The what?" asked Sachiel, who was wondering just what this virus was.

"It's my mom's creation," Sandolphon said as she looked over the screen. Oh god! This couldn't be happening! "Basic rundown is the virus is that it composes of three different parts: Larry, Curly, and Moe. They all hack into a computer in Tokyo-3 and use it as a host. Since they can jump from any computer in the city without trouble, they can drive a host to nearly crashing with incredibly complex calculations, then jump out with now harm done. But there's some sort of tri-based computer that's been introduced to the system… some kind of…"

"Magi…" said Material as he struggled to get to his feet again. "They've already got control of Larry, if I'm reading this right and is trying to make all of Tokyo-3 go kaboom." A small computer projection of Larry, Curly, and Moe getting into a fight appeared on the screen, but the corrupted Larry was easily beat down.

_Reading it right…_ thought Sandolphon as she swiftly yelled out she needed to go to the bathroom and escaped, _that makes two of us._

The phone then rang, with a command from Adam to get Shinji out of the Remiel first, which caused Israfel to wonder that, and more importantly, where did Sandolphon _really _go? Being a lava-coated angel, her lab coat was already soaking wet, so urine, if anything, would probably dry it out.

"Okay," Material said as he started running down to the hanger, "I'll take care of transporting the Humangelions. Israfel, can you take find Sandolphon?"

"No problem," Israfel said as she split in half and ran in different directions to better her chances of finding her friend. "Just remember to get the pilots out. Zeruel, get all the information you can about the Magi and the Iruel virus and get it out of the system!"

* * *

"But you've gotta help us beat this Eva! What're we going to do? Have the Humangelions step on them?" Israfel pleaded to her best friend as Sandolphon casually sat on the top of the Remiel.

"Stepping on it sounds like a good idea," Sandolphon said calmly.

"But… we need a scientist! We need a computer programmer! We need somebody to hold me back so I don't rape every man in Tokyo-3!"

"I can't help, dammit!" shouted Sandolphon as she sighed. "It's not that I don't _want _to help… it's just I _can't_ help!"

"What're you talking about?" Israfel asked. "It's not like you can't read or anything!"

"Actually," Sandolphon whimpered, "That's how it is."

"But… what about all those times in college! And working here! You had to do _tons_ of reading!"

"Or random guessing," Sandolphon said, even more timid.

"But what about that one time that-"

"REALLY random guessing. It's saved me countless times before… but I don't know the first thing about recognizing, let alone defeating, a computer."

Israfel put her hand on Sandolphon's shoulder, which inadvertently threw off her center of balance and knocked her off the base. "Sorry about that! But seriously, you can still help! And your mom's dreams of a massive computer virus that controls the world are on the line!"

_And something else my mom's a part of_, Sandolphon thought as she dusted herself off. She had to do everything in her power to shut this computer up… which hopefully would be enough.

* * *

"Okay," Sandolphon said as she looked over the computer terminal, "Not good."

At the moment, all of Larry and Moe were infected, and Curly wasn't much better. Sandolphon had done her best to make heads or tails of the display, but there was nothing to work with.

"Hey, I think you might want to look at something," Israfel said to the depressed Sandolphon as she lead her down to a darkened room. "Know what this is, Sandolphon?"

"Israfel, I'm not into shojo-ai."

"Not that, dammit!" Israfel said as she flipped on the lights, revealing a massive chamber filled with post-it notes. "Able to read it?"

Sandolphon cautiously walked over to one of them and tried to see what it said. "These… these are pictographs! Basic commands that all I have to do is mimic! But you'd never have the time to make all of these on your own!"

Israfel smiled. "They were already here. I guess your mom's saved our asses again. I'll leave you alone to work. From what we can tell, you've got about two hours to figure out a way to save the Iruel from this new Eva. Can you do it?"

Sandolphon was practically doing the happy dance. "Hell yeah!" As Israfel walked out of the room, Sandolphon sighed again. _Thanks mom. You may be dead… but it seems like you've had all this planned out since day one. The Humangelions… now… I wonder…_

But she had to stop thinking and get to work on a counter-counter-virus to stop the Magi. There was a lot a stake. Sachiel, Lillith, everybody else… She turned on her laptop and followed the instructions that were clearly meant for her to the pictograph, working as fast as she could.

"Okay," Sandolphon said as she briefed the group on her developments, "Here's what I've got cooked up to deal with the Magi. Randolphon based Larry, Curly, and Moe off three of her own aspects: the woman, scientist, and mother."

"But I thought you said she never finished college and she was never around when you needed her as a mom?" Material asked, wondering where this was going.

"True," Sandolphon answered, "But she puts Israfel to shame as a sexual predator, so that makes up for it. As I was saying, Curly hasn't been completely corrupted yet, so I actually revised its programming to be something new: the child my mother was once. I call this part of the virus 'Shep'. My plan is to use Shep and corrupt the Magi before they delete Curly. Sound good?"

Adam nodded. "It might just work. I suggest we all get to wherever we're needed." Material, Zeruel, and Israfel nodded and left, but Adam's cold-hearted bastard eyes looked at Sandolphon as they stood there alone. "You didn't base Shep off Randolphon's childhood did you? You based it off her actions as a Humangelion."

Sandolphon met Adam's gaze with one of matched focus. "Yes. But I don't think anybody else needs to know that. But something is still bothering me… and I said we're over. Stop trying to inch closer to me or that ice cold beer you're drinking will be spilt on your little Adam."

"Okay," Adam said, stopping as soon as he heard those words. "But what do you want to talk about."

"NERV and Eve. Mom's set so many things up here… I'm wondering if she was preparing for something that Eve had planned. She always thought a little less of you for being the head of SEELE."

"That's crazy talk!" Adam laughed as he started walking away.

* * *

"Insert disk… and… done!" Sandolphon said as she uploaded Shep into the Magi mainframe, literally destroying it from the inside out. "And another Eva bites the dust!"

"But…" Lillith said as tears welled up in her eyes, "We didn't get to improve our track record! In fact… _you've _got the best ratio of wins to losses now out of all of us!"

Arael quickly did the math. "Dammit! You've got a 100 win ratio rate… you could retire out of the business right now and be undefeated!"

"Sounds good," Sandolphon said as she cracked her neck, "A perfect record… something none of you have! Huzzah!"

The baffled looks from Israfel, Sachiel, Arael, and Lillith showed the scientist she had gone a little too far with the last remark.

"Sorry about that… just got a little carried away," she said, blushing at the crowd looking at her.

"Whatever the case," Arael said as she checked Sandolphon's figures so she could finish making stuffed versions of the angel, "We owe you big time. Thanks a lot. Now if you excuse me, I've got a new stuffed doll to market, and I could use the leverage of a sexual predator on my side."

"I get the picture!" Israfel muttered as she was dragged out of the room, leaving Sandolphon alone with the cheery Lillith and the currently brooding Sachiel.

"What's the matter, Sachiel?" Lillith asked as she looked him in the face with a goofy grin, "Upset you couldn't fight against this one?"

"Among other things," Sachiel sighed as he sat down and looked up at the ceiling.

"It'll come around," Sandolphon said as she smiled and tossed a lollipop to Lillith. "You two take care of yourselves. I've got some work to do, now, so I've gotta leave." She walked out, leaving the two alone.

"Man. Why don't I have her for a legal guardian instead of Israfel?" Sachiel asked as he rubbed his eyes. "She actually cares about us and everything, almost like a mother or something. And incidentally, why the hell do you live alone? Doesn't make much sense, if you ask me."

Lillith shrugged. "Just always have lived alone. Come on. I'll take you down to the lab where puppy dogs have tumors implanted in them. That'll cheer you up!"

Sachiel happily sprang up and followed the cheeriest of the three pilots.

* * *

Sandolphon looked at the Humangelions in the hanger and smiled. "Thought you deserved to be saved one of these times," she said as she started walking away. "I'm no master scientist and I might not be there to save the day all the time, Mom, but considering how many times you've saved us… it was about time I returned the favor. Take care Mom."

Standing nearby was Adam, who had to hide his appearance by not drinking any beer. _NERV, you bastards!_ He thought, _It's almost like your sicking the Evas on us! Almost as if you want Sandolphon and everything she holds dear dead! Why?_

A/N: Next chapter, the newest Eva causes Sachiel to go through a psychedelic whirlpool when he's trapped in the Sea of Dirac. When Sandolphon is caught between saving Shinji or delaying Sachiel's death, things go bad for the entire group in Should've Brought a Snorkel.


	13. Should've Brought a Snorkel

A/N: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. And please. I'm not doing this for my health, so even if a review is something barely positive, I'll take it.

"Why can't I take part in this thing?" Arael asked as she watched Sachiel and Lillith climb in each other's respective Humangelions.

"Ask Sandolphon," Israfel remarked as she also took part in the process. Material and Adam were off at some sort of meeting with NERV, hoping to convince the businessmen that the Guymelef series should be scrapped. "From what I heard, it's gotta do something with the people inside of the Humangelions. It's some sort of 'connection' they have that Unit 2 doesn't. Sorry."

That made the bird angel furrow her brow. True, she was in charge of the SEELE Germany branch, but she hadn't a clue who was "in" Unit Asaka. Lillith had apparently reached a level of conversing with the strange voice in Rei, and Sachiel wasn't too far away. Then there was the matter of Unit Toji and whoever was inside of him…

* * *

"Who are you?" called out the voice inside of Shinji as Lillith sat in the cockpit, feeling the hairs on the back of her neck prick up. "I never thought I'd see you again. How are you doing Lillith?"

The young girl, usually cheerful, felt fear swell up in her body as she felt she could almost see memories of a past life. What was that about? She almost could see an entire assembly line of… herself, being pieced together and then shipped off into containers.

"What is this?" she asked as she felt even weaker. "I can be… replaced?"

"We all can, my dear, it's easier to replace you than most other people. But know that even though your soul, mind, heart, body, memories, and personality all can be transplanted you're… crap! There's nothing that would make you unique! Just forget about that last part!"

Meanwhile, Sachiel was going through several uncomfortable emotions. First, the fact he was in a _girl_ Humangelion freaked him out, (not as much as the fact that for some weird reason Lillith and Rei sported the same face, albeit Rei had blue hair while Lillith was completely white.) And the fact he was listening to a very angry voice. It wasn't hostile, just very loud and aggressive.

Like Israfel… except without stalking down men.

"But why do you dislike her so much?" Sachiel asked, hoping not to set off the occasional psychopath.

"How would you feel to know that you weren't needed anymore, Sachiel?" asked the voice, "To know that you could be… replaced. To know that there was somebody else that could pilot Shinji even better than you could and was loved by all? What would you do?"

"I'd…" Sachiel started as he felt the anger springing up inside of him, "I'd kill the bastard!"

"But what if you couldn't?" asked the voice.

"Now you're just making things up."

"I wish I was…" sighed the voice.

* * *

"Yes, Adam, that was a very nice slide show of your trip to the Neo-Bahamas," NERV 07 said.

"And you didn't even see the one that got away!" Adam shouted before Material and the entire NERV group groaned in an attempt to shut him up. "I'll stop if you give me one chance to shut up the Guymelef line! Just one chance!"

"Very well then," NERV 01 announced. "In two weeks we will have a tournament between the two respective mech lines. By that time, Toji should be prepared, so your four Humangelions will be pitted against the four new Guymelefs: Sherizad, Crimson, Escaflowne 2, and a special little surprise for you. Sound good?"

Adam grumbled something long and complex, mentioning "plot devices" several times before falling onto the ground and spazzing out, forcing Material to haul him away. Once again, the oft-silent NERV-00 was the first to talk.

"Poor Adam. Still thinking the remaining Humangelions hold any purpose."

"But if Shinji is the only one necessary, why have the others?" asked NERV-03.

"Rei had a purpose: prove a Humangelion could be made. Asaka had a purpose: to get SEELE off our backs. And Shinji has an even simpler purpose: to die."

"But Shinji has lasted far longer than we had anticipated. Our original scenario had to be scrapped after his victory over Unit 01," chimed in NERV-08, wondering what their leader was getting at.

"Shinji _will_ die. I promise you that. Speaking of which, how far has the construction on the Sword of Serpentus begun?"

* * *

"Gah! I can't believe you've been selected for piloting Unit Toji!" screamed Leliel later that day at school. For once, the black angel had the crowd around him, unlike that bastard Sachiel. What made him so special? So what if he had the coolest Humangelion? So what if he had an actual working lightsaber? So what if he had diplomatic immunity? Well, that immunity really helped him out with his assassination plots… but still!

"So when's it coming in?" asked Armisael, who was really interested in the contraption.

"Another chapter in the fanfic," Bardiel said casually, focusing on saying it more to Sachiel than anyone else. "They say it's already been calibrated completely to my mental waves. That means a 100-percent synch ratio right away. What do you say to that, Sachiel? Last I heard, you could only get to 69. Not too good. In fact, didn't you get a better synch ratio in Rei than Shinji?"

Sachiel grit his teeth as Lillith herded him away, smashing his face into the first teacher he saw. "This sucks! The thing is he's right, dammit!" Before he knew it, Lillith was standing in front of him again with a huge smile on her face.

"But Sachiel! It's our normal synch test day! You know what that means! You can try out again!"

That did bolster Sachiel's spirits up a bit, but not enough to stop him from slitting Bardiel's wrists as his enemy walked out of the class, saying which girls would be with him that night.

"Beat that bastard," Sachiel said quietly inside of his Human that day during testing, imagining crushing him the day Shinji had clashed against Jet Alone. Why hadn't he just killed him then and there? Well, he wasn't that much of a hostile guy back then. In fact, he hadn't acted like a jerk at first. Why the sudden change?

"Sachiel, great news!" said Sandolphon through the speaker, "Your meter spiked up eight points!"

"Too bad it's fifty points below mine!" Arael said happily before she noticed that Sachiel was staring at her with a murderous intent, as was Sandolphon.

"Arael, you know all those times where I said yours was really high?" Sandolphon said, suddenly sweating.

"Well yeah," Arael said, noticing that Sachiel, Lillith, and Israfel had bolted from the room, leaving the bird and lava-coated angels alone.

"And you know how I've had to resort to random guessing for my entire life, right?"

"Well yeah," Arael said, dreading what she was about to hear.

"And I'm not always right and-"

According to the techies in the Humangelion hanger, the ear-splitting scream actually obliterated the Human's AT-Fields.

* * *

"Serves Arael right," Sachiel said happily as he rode the train home, taking the opportunity to pump his right hand into a fist again and again. It felt warm and fuzzy.

Of course there was a small and helpless animal being crushed there, but that was far beyond the point.

When Sachiel got home he saw that Israfel was staying late with Material and he couldn't help but shudder. Israfel was demanding enough at SEELE, who knew how bad in the bed?

His homework was pretty easy to fill out and Sachiel was sitting down and watching a television show when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Sachiel, it's Zeruel," came the voice of SEELE's second-in-command.

"What's the matter, Sub-commander?" Sachiel asked, taking him very seriously.

"It's about Bardiel. I'm sure your father has warned you not to trust him, but seriously. Don't even trust him on the battlefield. I'm sorry to say but Toji could snap your Humangelion in two without effort. We need all four of you to stand a chance against the Guymelef series. Just don't swing the first punch if you get into a fight."

"Don't worry, I won't."

* * *

The next day, there once again was an Eva attack. In this case, it was a strange white creature that was labeled as "Unit 04". Shinji, Rei, and Asaka had fanned out and were planning to triangulate their attack as soon as possible when Sachiel got a little gung-ho.

"I'm going for it! Time to get another win on my records!" Sachiel shouted as he charged at the creature, pumping his fist in anger. He fired off several rounds from his handgun, but the creature vanished. Sachiel suddenly saw a black pool appear under his feet and he fell into it.

"Oh damn!" shouted Arael as she leapt away and Lillith followed suit. "Sachiel's stuck down there!" They both opened fire on the pool until Sandolphon yelled out for them to stop for the same reason.

"Just get back here," Zeruel stated, "We'll figure out what to do."

* * *

"Just like a giant killer version of Leliel," Israfel said as she talked with her comrades. "Except he's not some damn otaku freak."

"So it balances out," Arael said as she rubbed her eyes. "What's Bardiel doing here by the way?"

"NERV's orders," Sandolphon said, glaring at him in a manner harsher than Sachiel had ever tried.

"I'm going to be piloting Unit Shinji until Toji gets here," he said with a dark smile on his face.

"But… what about Sachiel?" Lillith asked, wondering what was going on. She looked at Zeruel, hoping to find some sort of support, but to no avail.

"We can't figure out any way to rescue Sachiel, but Shinji could be saved if we dump all remaining N-2 mines on the hole. It's our best shot against Unit 04."

"And I say do it with no delay, to hell with Sach-" Bardiel started before Lillith and Sandolphon slapped him hard across the face and smashed in his groin.

"How dare you say that!" Sandolphon shouted, "If it weren't for him, we'd all be dead a billion times over!" She stormed off, quickly followed by Israfel, Zeruel, Material, and Arael. As Bardiel turned around, he saw Lillith standing there, scowling at him.

"What? Is he your lover or something?" Bardiel asked angrily. He did _not_ expect Lillith to burst out laughing.

"Him? No… I'm married to somebody in an online fantasy game. We have Internet sex all the time and people come to watch! But seriously," Lillith said, assuming an angry look, "How can you do that all the time! Why do you hate him so much? Is it really so bad he's more famous than you? Is it more of a nightmare here because he gets famous, pilots a massive killing machine, and gets all the Hentai he could want. True I switch it all to be shonen-ai… but HEY! YOU GET BACK HERE!"

* * *

"Where am I?" Sachiel asked as he looked around his surroundings. He was still in Shinji… trapped in this strange universe. He had an hour left before his DS would run out of power. And "Castlevania XXX: The Return of Dracula's Return" was such a good game.

_You know where you are_.

"Who are you?"

_I'm the you in everyone else's mind._

"That doesn't make any sense! How can you be the personified form of everyone's conceptions of me?"

_Wouldn't you like to know_. _To be honest, so would I_.

"What do you mean?"

_It's complicated. But as I can tell, it's been almost an entire day without letting out sexual steam. You're having withdrawal symptoms._

"My God! That's what the twitching in my hands is all about!" Sachiel said in shock as the suddenly fell into a psychedelic dream world, with the bodies of Lillith, Arael, and Israfel dancing around him, nude. And no! Get your freaking minds out of the gutter! We're talking about an anatomically incorrect white humanoid angel, a giant white bird, and a blue weird creature that can split in half and is a sexual predator! There's nothing X-rated about them at all!

"Do you want to be with me, Sachiel? It would be very nice!" asked Lillith as she sprang up to him and hugged him.

"Or what about me? I'm sure you'd like it a lot," Arael said, wrapping her wings around him like that one time back home.

"Or what about me? I'd go easy on you?" said Israfel as she smiled in such a way to make most men fall apart like jelly in her hands.

"That's really great," Sachiel started calmly without a single sexual thought in his mind at all, "But where's Sandolphon? She's hotter than all of you put together!"

As soon as those words fell from Sachiel's mouth, a loud, booming, female voice erupted from the very depths of Shinji, and it said only one word.

"**_WHAT?"

* * *

_**

"Everybody ready?" asked Sandolphon as Rei and Asaka stood out the outskirts of the black pool, hoping the blast would knock up a salvageable amount of Shinji.

"Everything's set here," Arael said, calmly waiting for the bombs to drop.

"Okay. Bombs dropping in ten seconds. Nine seconds… seven seconds… five seconds… two seconds…"

But at that moment, something erupted from the pit, letting out a bestial scream.

Shinji, standing there, soaked in blood, erupted from Unit 04's white body as a single word came from its mouth: "**_WHAT?_**"

Zeruel quickly stopped the command as soon as he caught sight of Shinji and breathed a sigh of relief. "Too bad for you," he said, looking over to the enraged Bardiel, "You have to wait a little longer. So sorry."

"Doesn't matter," Bardiel growled, "in just a few days, Toji is mine."

"Actually, it's licensed to SEELE. We could take it away at any moment. So don't think about killing Sachiel at all. Besides, Sachiel already takes the position of sadistic killer. So in a way, you're nothing but a poser! HAH! POSER POSER POSER!" He pointed and laughed, with everybody else in the room following suit. It was only a matter of time before Bardiel left the room, tears flowing from his eyes. He soon saw a woman standing there, and before he knew what he was doing, he flung his arms around her front and buried his face in her back. Then a familiar voice rang out.

"Bardiel my dear, I didn't know you were so loose."

Bardiel looked up, seeing Israfel standing there with the most twisted smile on her face.

The ensuing screams would've shattered the Remiel's windows, but Israfel knew better. A bit of cotton stuffed into the mouth solved the problem pretty well.

A/N: The Guymelef series is back, meaning that Toji, Asaka, Shinji, and Rei have their work cut out for them as their pilots battle against the mechs. But the question still lingers if Bardiel can put his hatred for Sachiel to the side for the battle, or will an Eva attack doom them all? Find out next chapter: Eva or Bardiel II.


	14. Eva or Bardiel II

A/N: I love Thanksgiving weekend. I can grunt out a billion fanfic chapters in almost no time. I don't own Escaflowne, Blazing Saddles, or Evangelion. And thanks for Matt020388 for helping beta-test.

WARNING! SEMI-SERIOUS CHAPTER AHEAD!

"So… the time has come," NERV 0 announced happily at the meeting.

"The face-off between the Guymelef and the Humangelion series," NERV 6 continued.

"I was going to say that, jerk!" NERV 0 shot back.

"NERV 6, say you're sorry," NERV 3 said.

"NEVER! I WILL STAND MY-" A gunshot echoed through the chamber, with NERV 0 standing there with a gun in the angel's hand.

"As I was saying," NERV 0 continued, "Is everything ready for Shinji's death?"

"Yes, and Bardiel is set to lend a hand when the time is right," NERV 8 commented.

"Can we laugh maniacally now?" asked NERV 2.

"No. Now wait for it… wait for it… I SAID WAIT FOR IT, NERV 4! And… now!"

The evil echoes shook the entire room.

* * *

"You hear that maniacal laughter, Arael?" Sachiel asked that morning during dinner. Israfel was still out with Material, leaving the accomplished cook to make breakfast. 

"Not sure," Arael responded as she saw the door open. "Aw… look who the cat dragged it."

Standing there on shaky legs was a woozy and hangover-inflicted Israfel, who collapsed onto the table. "Wow. Dem schnitzengruben can wipe you out!"

"Late nights with Material?" asked Sachiel as he closed the door before it got too cold.

"No," Israfel answered when she found the strength to stand. "There's a new German restaurant and I just couldn't resist those things!" Just then, the phone rang and Israfel picked it up. "Really, OH MY GOD! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS TODAY!" She looked over at the two kids. "GET YOUR SCRAWNY ASSES TO THE REMIEL!"

"What's the matter?" Sachiel asked. There weren't any alarms meaning an Eva attack, so what was it?

"IT'S THE DAY WE PROVE, ONCE AND FOR ALL, HUMANGELION SUPERIORITY!" Before Sachiel or Arael could say anything else, their legal guardian/sexual predator/hardass-SEELE officer shoved them out the door.

* * *

"Are the pilots all suited up?" Adam asked as he and Zeruel waited in his office. 

"Yes, and we've also taken the liberty to take all sharp objects out of immediate reach of the Third and Fourth Children," Zeruel stated, handing the specs to his commander. "We've also retrofitted Unit Toji with Sandolphon's customized armored Umbilical cables, among other things."

"Good to know. Know all we can do is to pray to the all-powerful."

* * *

_Sachiel… I can finally kill you!_ thought Bardiel as he suited up in his white plug-suit. He looked over to his teammate, gritting his teeth. Best to keep up a good appearance, despite the constant dull pain throughout his waist and anglehood ...damn Israfel. Bardiel walked over to the green Eva and extended his hands. 

"Best of luck against whoever you're fighting," he said while smiling. Sachiel just smacked the hand away.

"I wish you the very best of luck," Sachiel said as he walked away.

"Isn't that a compliment?" Lillith asked as she walked up to the group.

"No," Sachiel said as he stopped and turned. "I'm saying he'll need all the luck he can get to win, because even with his omnipotent Toji, he'll suck."

Bardiel charged and slammed his fist hard into Sachiel's back and then began kicking the downed pilot in the gut again and again. After he had his fill, he walked away from the bloody Sachiel.

"_That_ is what is going to happen you and your beloved Shinji if you say anything along those lines ever again, Sachiel," Bardiel said as he walked away towards his Human. He turned towards the -to him- outdated Shinji and smirked. "What a piece of shit."

As Sachiel slowly got to his feet, he felt Lillith, Arael, and Sandolphon give him support. "You'll get him," Sandolphon comforted. "I promise you that. And you know what Sachiel?"

He looked up at her and wiped the blood off his mouth. "What?"

"I wish you the absolute worst luck imaginable," she said the biggest smile she could afford. "Because even putting that into account, it'll be impossible for you to suck."

"Thanks," Sachiel said as he staggered over to Shinji and put his hand on the creature's side. "Okay, whoever you are, it's go time!"

Lillith also looked at Rei, smiling. "Don't you think it's about time we get ready too?"

Arael merely looked at Unit Asaka and snorted. "Don't know who you are, and I don't care. But we got a job to do."

* * *

"Everyone ready?" asked Israfel as she watched as Shinji, Rei, Asaka, and Toji stepped to the outskirts of Tokyo-3 and viewed their enemies. 

Standing there was a rebuilt Escaflowne, a grey and yellow melef named Scherizad, and a red and slightly bulky melef named Crimson.

"Where's number four?" asked Sachiel over the comm as even Adam was shocked by the act.

"They say it'll spring up," he said, confusion in his voice.

"So who goes first?" asked Israfel as Scherizad stepped up to fight. "Lillith, how about you?"

"Sounds fine!" said the happy angel, picking up a pair of progressive knives. "Ready?" This last statement was to the voice inside of Rei more than anyone else.

_I am ready… Lil…_

"Come on, you can say it…" Lillith said encouragingly. "Say it…"

_Lill…ith…_

"Good to know! Now it's time to take that thing-"

Lillith never finished, mainly because Scherizad bashed it's broadsword down on the Humangelion, the blade only being stopped at the last second by a timely block. She lunged again, trying to stab at its energist, but to no avail. Scherizad's massive broadsword blocked attack after attack, and Lillith was slowly tiring out.

_Fight conservatively!_ scolded the voice in Rei, causing Lillith to step back in an attempt to catch her breath. _That pilot has to do the same!_ Lillith guided her Human to step back into a defensive stance, waiting for Scherizad to make a move.

The two pilots looked back at each other, testing each other's wills to act, until finally, one of them snapped as a whimsical jingling was heard.

"Ooh! Ice cream!" Lillith shouted as Rei skipped over to the minute vehicle and picked it up as Scherizad charged. Rei turned at the last possible moment, and flicked the extremely small ice cream truck into Scherizad, giving it the velocity of a bullet. The attack shot straight through the Melef, destroying it.

* * *

"Who's next?" asked Sandolphon, now hoping Sachiel would take on Escaflowne 2, and she wasn't disappointed. "Take that thing down, Sachiel!" she cheered happily. 

Sachiel also readied his pair of knives as Escaflowne stepped out to fight him, and the two looked at each other for a very long time.

"You're the guy I saved last time, aren't you?" Sachiel asked as the angel pilot in there nodded.

"Yes, and you're not going to win this time!" he shouted, leaping up into the air as Escaflowne suddenly turned into a mechanical dragon, breathing down a stream of fire that Shinji barely dodged. "HAHAHAHAHA! YOU CAN'T HIT ME FROM UP HERE!"

_Keep a cool head,_ Sachiel thought as he succeeded in dodging the next few blasts of fire as he tried to find some way of hitting the creature. Nothing seemed to work, however, and as Escaflowne chopped down with its sword, Shinji dodged only to be smashed into a building by its tail. And then Sachiel and Shinji both smacked their heads. He was so stupid!

The Melef pilot looked up in a quizzical look as Shinji walked up to a building and began grabbing at it. What was he reaching for?

BAM! Shinji smashed the entire building into Escaflowne, knocking the white dragon to the ground. And then Shinji was on it, slashing down and carving the energist out again.

* * *

"Only two more to go!" Israfel said as Asaka stepped up to fight the red-armored Crimson. 

"Let's see which red-clad mech is the strongest!" said Crimson's pilot as it charged at Asaka, only to catch a roundhouse kick into the face. As Crimson flew away, it fired off liquid metal from its gun-pods, which slashed into Asaka's arms, cutting one of them off. Crimson came rocketing back, slashing down in an attempt to sever Asaka's other arm, but Arael was able to get through the pain and block the attack.

* * *

"How long will Arael be able to hold out?" Zeruel shouted as the techies viewed her vital statistics. 

"Not long!" shouted one, "Her synch ratio is too high, so she's practically feeling all the pain!"

"Cut her down to thirty percent and have Toji pick up the slack against Crimson!" shouted Adam. "We are NOT going to lose a Humangelion pilot and my access to the sweet, sweet, German beer!"

* * *

Arael was screaming like mad as Crimson slashed down again and it felt like her arm was bleeding like mad. And then… Toji and Bardiel barreled into Crimson. 

"Arael, just let Toji take it from here!" shouted Israfel through the comm. "You're no good to us dead!"

"I can do it!" she shouted, charging Asaka back into the currently even match between Human and Melef.

* * *

"That's it! Cut her synch down to zero!" Adam commanded. The technicians did so as Asaka fell to the ground, getting caught by both Rei and Shinji. _Those three… they always pick up the slack the others give. I just hope…_

Another smash caused him to look back at the battle as Toji buried a massive axe into Crimson's head, killing both pilot and Melef.

Now where was that fourth Melef?

* * *

"It's almost time," NERV 0 said as the committee watched the fights finally finish. "Soon, they will truly know fear." 

"Isn't that just one of those overused cliché lines like 'Prepare to Die'?" asked Nerv 1 to his superior's distaste.

"Look! Do you want me to kill you too?" answered their leader.

"No. Not at all. Can we go back to maniacal laughter, though?"

"Why not?"

* * *

"Oh damn! We're picking something up from about twenty miles above the city!" shouted Sandolphon, "Wave form blue! It's an Eva!" 

"Get Arael to safety," Adam commanded, "and form a defensive ring around Unit Toji!"

"What about weapons?" asked Material as he viewed the Eva slowly descend like some sort of angelic being. It was white with a strange mouth and two white, feathery wings, and an equally unusual sword in its hand.

"They're getting them," Adam stated, "All units, label this Eva as Unit 5. I assume _this_ was the fourth Melef. I just hope the pilots can take it out."

The Eva landed softly, but snarled and almost instantly lunged at Rei, sinking its teeth into the Humangelion's arms.

"Lillith!" screamed Sachiel as he tackled it, bringing down his knives at the creature…

…which broke on contact with the thing's skin. The Eva growled again and impaled Shinji on its sword and kicked it away.

Toji was next, and the fourth Humangelion and its pilot charged. "SACHIEL'S MINE, YOU BASTARD! KILLING HIM IS RESERVED TO ME!" The Humangelion brought the Progressive Axe down on the creature, but the attack was blunted by the creature's unusually powerful AT-Field. The Eva then returned the favor, slashing at Toji and cutting its own AT-Field like tissue paper. The black-haired Humangelion managed to jump away at the last moment, however, and scoop up a grenade launcher to open fire with.

* * *

"What's the status of the First and Third Children?" shouted Sandolphon, cursing she couldn't read the display. 

"Lillith's doing fine… but Sachiel… we're getting nothing from his Human! He's completely silent!" shouted Material as he read the display.

The lava-coated scientist began to sweat. _Please… Mom… you've got to save him!

* * *

_

Pain… pain in stomach… massive opening… withstandable…

Target… battling with Unit Toji… save Sachiel… save Sachiel… Sachiel…

* * *

Bardiel was completely amazed as Unit Shinji somehow got up and tackled the Eva, pounding his fists into it again and again. Was this the berserker mode he had heard so much about? 

But it was soon over, as Unit 5 ripped Shinji's arms and legs off it… but what was that… that sword on the ground?

"Bardiel!" screamed Sandolphon through his headpiece, "GET THAT SWORD AND KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH!"

Bardiel complied, grabbing the snake-like sword and burying it in the monster's head, then making sure it was dead by cutting every imaginable part of it.

* * *

"Oh God… is Sachiel alright?" asked everybody later that day as the body mess of the Third Child was hauled in to the Emergency Room and treated with the best possible care. 

During the life-saving operation, Adam actually took an extra drink to stop the shaking...he didn't want to leave too many scars performing the surgery seeing as even Sandolphon's random poke and stitch guessing wouldn't be enough.

Lillith, Arael, and Sandolphon rarely left his side, and even Israfel took up station next to him, scaring off Bardiel, who she had previously raped like no tomorrow.

When his eyes opened, standing there was Lillith, who handed him a large database of Internet websites.

"Would these be…" he started to ask before the white angel shut him up.

"Look at them at home… when you're alone," Lillith explained with a seductive look on her face. "Just hope you really like shonen-ai."

"You little!" Sachiel screamed as he reached up and beat the snot out of her, despite her rampant giggling.

"Good to have you back, Sachiel!" she said cheerfully as she coughed up blood and staggered away.

A/N: With the power of Berserker Shinji now surpassed, can Sachiel find the strength to keep fighting when he knows that Unit Toji is better than Shinji in every way? And what secrets of the Sword of Serpentis will come into light? Find out next chapter: Eva or Bardiel III.


	15. Eva or Bardiel III

A/N: In spirit of it being near Christmas, this is a Christmas themed episode of Humangelion! I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, Christmas Carol, Sega, Viewtiful Joe, Charlie Brown, CSI, Geiko, or NCIS (the best damn crime scene show out there! Go Jethro Gibbs!).

It was two weeks later, Sachiel was well on his way to recovery, and it was near Christmas. That meant, much to everybody's dread, that Lillith was in an even more cheery mood than ever.

"And I'm really going to see Santa this year!" she said happily when she stayed over for breakfast one day. "I've got my massive, glass trap chamber filled with Cyanide all set up!"

"Lillith," Israfel asked sincerely, "Are you aware that I raped Santa so hard last year he actually _died?_"

"That _does_ explain the red fat man stuck in your closet," Sachiel remarked. Although Bardiel was now rubbing his success in Sachiel's face, the Third Child was finding comfort in being Arael's crutch, both mentally _and_ physically.

_Arael_… the name stuck in his head for a few moments. The girl's synch ratio was substantially lower now, and she spent almost all her time stuck in her room. To make matters worse, her company was fairing badly. When she did come out, she just cried into Sachiel's embrace, not caring about appearing weak. Maybe he should get her something for Christmas, especially considering Santa's corpse was icky enough to scare away the CSI or NCIS teams, meaning there weren't going to be any extra presents going around.

Lillith's next statement brought Sachiel back to the present. "Oh well. I guess I can always set my sights on the Great Pumpkin!"

The white-hued Angel apparently was oblivious to the fact that her hosts' temples were pulsing in anger. "What a blockhead," Israfel muttered.

* * *

"Repairs are going pretty well," Sandolphon said as she talked to Sachiel as they ate out together. The lava-coated Angel was taking him out for shopping, and also giving him good news about Shinji's repairs after fighting (and losing) against Unit 5. "Shinji will be battle-ready on Christmas Day, actually."

Sachiel smiled. "Nice to know. And Units Rei and Asaka? What about them?"

"Well… Unit Rei is perfectly set to go, and so is Asaka… it's just that Arael's just not doing well in her synch tests. She was at twenty two percent last time."

"Barely enough to get Asaka moving," Sachiel commented. "And… Bardiel?" he dreaded saying the bastard's name, but it might be good to hear about him.

Sandolphon smiled again, waving to Israfel and Material, the latter of whom was being dragged around from store to store, literally. "Well… you know how Israfel likes it when they scream?"

"Go on," Sachiel said, starting to grin.

"Well… let's just say Bardiel is afraid of her, and she likes it when they squirm," Sandolphon said as she and Sachiel succumbed to laughing maniacally. After finishing getting through the bouts of laughter, they headed off, ready to find things to buy.

* * *

"We had a plan!" shouted NERV 0 at Bardiel as he stood before the committee.

"Shinji would be a rotting corpse now if you had followed our scheme!" added NERV 9. "Unit 5 would have undoubtedly ripped Sachiel to shreds-"

"Which is the problem. Sachiel's hurt me, hurt me bad. And I will savor his death when it comes from my hand, and my hand alone!" Bardiel snarled. "Christmas day. On that day, a legend will die."

"But Santa Claus is already dead," NERV 2 said.

"Look! I already killed NERV 6, and I'll shoot anyone else that says something stupid."

* * *

Adam sighed as he flipped through the test results. The Dummy Plug program was nearing completion, meaning that if Sachiel couldn't pilot Shinji… well then… a spare-parts Lillith could do the job.

"Adam?" came a voice as Zeruel stepped into the room, with Santa-hat on his head.

"Yes? What is it?"

"Material's reported that Bardiel has had several conferences with the committee. I believe they are going to try again to kill Sachiel."

"Damn you NERV," Adam growled. "But what of the Sword of Serpentus?"

"Ah, the sword we took from Unit 5, correct?" Zeruel already knew the answer.

"Go on," Adam said, letting his anger fade as he chugged down another keg of beer in record time.

"It has the power to penetrate AT-Fields. We were extremely lucky to get it from the battle. Otherwise, who knows how many people would die?"

"Good point. And the other pilots?" Adam asked, trying to stop his slurring.

"Lillith is still in her perky attitude, Sachiel seems to hate Bardiel more but no worse for wear, and Arael…"

"Cutting her synch down to zero must've had some negative effect on her, didn't it?"

"Indeed. Last I checked, her ratio decreases every day. Before long, she won't even have the willpower to have Asaka blink. But at least there is a little bit of good news."

"We saved a bunch of money on Humangelion insurance by switching to Geiko?" Adam asked, slumping on his desk.

"No, but that is a very good idea! I'll bring it up at the next budget meeting! Seriously, at least Arael and Sachiel are slowly getting into a relationship of sorts. It's on the level that she cries and he tries to escape with the Jaws of Life, but to be honest, you had it a lot worse with Eve, didn't you sir? Sir?"

Adam was sprawled out on the floor, hugging a Sandolphon-shaped pillow, and sucking his thumb. Zeruel pulled the blanket over him and started walking away.

"No, no, ladies," Adam mumbled, "I need a breather, but that's no reason for you not to stop… we've gotta win this balloon-animal contest!"

* * *

'_Tas the day before break, and all through the town,_

_Israfel was causing all sorts of sounds…_

_Like screams and moans and morbid things_

_Accompanied by registers going 'ka-ching!'_

_The school was putting on its greatest show_

_By telling kids they'd shoot if the kids said 'no'._

_Armisael's dancing had all the guys reeling,_

_Honestly, that chain-angel gave a great feeling._

_Sachiel was soaked from Arael's tears,_

_Wondering if death by Bardiel here_

_Would be a far worse fate, but he knew_

_He'd get his revenge with militarized flu._

_Lillith was the life of the party, that much was certain,_

_On her head was a lampshade, and on her shoulders; a curtain._

_Her BAC was waaaaaaayyyy of the charts, that was to blame,_

_But her anatomically incorrect naked body was the real shame._

_Bardiel was hiding under a table after hearing those tales,_

_That a sadistic rapist would be there without fail._

_Leliel was salivating at the monstrous thought_

_Of the ideas of how brutal Toji fought_

_But it was all for naught…

* * *

_

"What do you mean you're shipping Toji out of the city on Christmas?" Bardiel screamed at Adam the next day, enraged he wouldn't be able to exact his revenge on Sachiel.

"Security reasons," Adam said callously, noticing and then quickly covering up the Sandolphon-shaped pillow with the blanket. Had he really slept in his office the whole day? "We're going to test the Sword and you've proven yourself an impressive fighter after the previous Eva so…"

"It's just an excuse to get me away from Sachiel, isn't it?" Bardiel asked as he stormed out of the room.

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" Adam asked, grinning in an evil manner.

"You'd like to think that I'd think that, wouldn't you?" Bardiel asked in response, turning around.

"Not really. Because I'd anticipate your thinking of my thinking you'd like that."

"But what if I predicted your anticipations?"

"You're good at this," Adam said.

"I've had practice. Is that all?"

"Yes."

* * *

"Alright!" Lillith yelled out happily as she and Leliel once again forced an ice-cream truck to crash into an orphanage, letting the whole gang of students, minus Bardiel and Arael once again take the most recent ice-cream shipment. "Ice cream for everybody!"

"Except for all the kids we just killed," Armisael said callously.

"Who cares?" Sachiel said, actually feeling completely happy for the first time since being beaten by Unit 5. "I need to deal with my inferiority complex somehow! Wait just a second…" He walked over and helped one of the few survivors out of the rubble, only to stab his eyes in with cones. "With ever being I kill, I feel a lot better!"

"I know what you mean," Leliel said. "Why do you think I like military weapons so much? It's like Ebineezer Scrooge said: 'If you're going to die, you should do it and lower the surplus population!'"

"Here here!" exclaimed his friends.

_Die is right, Sachiel!_ Though Bardiel from his vantage point. _Just a few more days, and I'll finally kill you…

* * *

_

"Hey, Arael?" Sachiel asked as he opened the door to her room later that day, seeing the girl was drowning her sorrows in Sega games. She looked up, smiling weakly.

"Yes?" she asked quietly. He handed her a present.

"I thought I should get you something since I was out today," Sachiel said as he handed her a small, rectangular gift. "Take a look."

Arael opened the gift up, and for a brief moment, she resembled her usual businesswoman expression. "Sachiel! You gave me your switchblade!"

"That's not all," Sachiel said as he handed her a sheet of paper. "Take a look! I improved on the knife's design and got it patented. And now I'm giving the copyright to you!"

Arael almost tackled Sachiel when she ran up to him and kissed him long and hard, which was painful since her beak cut into his face. Sachiel wasn't complaining, however, and returned the kiss in full. After finally breaking it, Arael blushed.

"Wow. A nosebleed from just that?"

Sachiel shook his head. "No. You cut a vital artery you bit…" he then collapsed onto the ground, and Arael was quick to hide the body. She didn't want Israfel to get any ideas.

After covering him up with a few blankets, Arael looked down again at the copyrighted material in her hands. Maybe being so depressed was wrong… maybe she should try to let go of her anger…

Nah… if she kept this act up, he might just buy her Canada.

* * *

"Do you believe Bardiel will follow through?" asked NERV 8.

"I don't know," NERV 1 responded.

"Sachiel and Shinji must die, that much must happen," NERV 3 added as his eyes strayed over to NERV 6's still-vacant chair. "Don't you think we should get rid of his body?"

"Why? I think it really adds something to this really drab black room," NERV 0 answered.

"I have to agree," NERV 2 said. "The red really brightens this room up very well."

"But the fact is that Bardiel may keep putting off Sachiel's death. I believe that the Fourteenth Eva should 'lend him a hand'," NERV 0 said, smiling.

"Is everything set?" asked Sandolphon as she viewed Unit Toji, preparing to power up and test out the Sword of Serpentus. "We're ready when you are!"

* * *

Bardiel nodded from inside of Unit Toji. Christmas Day… Sachiel would die today. "Alright!" Toji struck an incredibly stupid pose as everybody at the tech bay slapped his or her head in embarrassment. "Henshin a go-go, baby!"

At those words, Toji flared to life on his own, breaking free of the restraints and breaking through a wall… straight back to Tokyo-3.

"_Oh sure_," Sandolphon said as she mimicked a technician beside her, "_Let's give Bardiel the AT-cutting sword of death! That'll be smart!_" _Thankfully_, she thought to herself, _we didn't!

* * *

_

"Okay you three," Israfel said glumly to Sachiel, Arael, and Lillith in the briefing room, "It's going to hurt me to lose my most recent… servant… but sacrifices have to be made to save mankind! You know what to do! And Sachiel! Stop doing the Happy Dance! This is something very serious for me!"

"I'm sorry," Sachiel said, immediately stopping, "It's just that this is a very great day for me! This is the best Christmas Day ever!"

"Alright. Time to suit up and kick some Toji ass!" Sandolphon said happily from the side. "I've added some extra internal battery packs and the like, just in case the cables get cut. And…" She showed a schematic of a new weapon. "R&D came with a brand-new weapon, and it'll scare Bardiel's pants off. And no, Israfel, not in _that_ way."

"What is it?" Arael asked, noticing Sandolphon and Sachiel were both smiling.

"What better way to show you how good that new switchblade design is than to test giant versions out!" Sachiel said, already running off to his Humangelion as Lillith and Arael quickly did the same.

"Are the Humangelions ready to launch?" asked Adam, reviewing over those budget reports. He could _really_ save that much by switching to Geiko? Maybe he _wouldn't_ need NERV to get back Eve…

"Sure are," Material said, "And it's time for NERV's posterboy to go down! Human Units Rei, Shinji, and Asaka, LAUNCH!"

The three Humans popped out of the ground, holding six Prog Switchblades each, with each one held between the knuckles. "Alright, Bardiel, it's time we end this!" Sachiel shouted, charging at the superior Humangelion. He dodged the first swipe of the sword, blocked the next, and slashed in for the kill.

Nevertheless, Toji's AT-Field repelled the attack, and Shinji quickly jumped back lest he be killed.

"His AT-Field is way to strong!" Arael said as she blocked another slash. "And it's… OH MY GOD! TOJI IS AN EVA!"

"Correct," came Bardiel's voice, "And with this newfound power, you, Sachiel, will finally die!" Bardiel charged again… but somehow… the combined fields of Rei, Asaka, and Shinji not only repelled the Sword of Serpentus, but also actually _destroyed_ it.

"Hah!" Lillith shouted triumphantly, "Our Power of Friendship can overcome any evil! You can't win, Bardiel!"

"Lillith," everybody on the battlefield said in perfect unison, "Never say 'Power of Friendship' ever again!"

"Besides…" Bardiel said confidently, "I still remember all the weapon depots! So I think I'll just help myself to… THIS!" He tore open a building and grabbed out a massive axe and managed to use the moment of distraction to smash into all three of his enemies.

* * *

"So he actually did it," NERV 0 said gladly. "Good boy, Bardiel… good boy…"

* * *

_No… Sachiel…Mom!_ Sandolphon thought as she watched Toji batter Shinji's bloody body once again. _Please… just one more time… save him Mom!

* * *

_

Blood… pain… abuse above…

Target: Bardiel… Treacherous bastard… save Sachiel… save Sachiel…

* * *

"And one final punch!" Bardiel said confidently as he sent his most brutal punch yet at Shinji's head…

Only to have Shinji's eyes snap open and then catch the fist with his hand.

"Not… gonna… lose again!" Sachiel snarled as he somehow forced back the fist. "I'm gonna beat you… KILL YOU!"

"His synch… it's going higher and higher…" Material said as he read off the screen to Sandolphon. "It's already at 90!"

"What's Bardiel's?" Sandolphon asked, seeing that Sachiel was still having trouble against Toji, although the fight was far more even now."

Material sighed. "One hundred percent…"

"You still can't beat me!" Bardiel sneered as he smashed Toji's knee into Shinji's groin several times, enjoying hearing the screams over the audio. "You know what you are, Sachiel? A bastard! Honestly!"

Sachiel didn't give up though, and as Bardiel brought his knee up again, Sachiel kicked into it. The conflicting intertias smashed, and Toji's leg went flying. The villain's screams then pierced the channel, and Sachiel pressed the advantage, ripping off the arms and legs and then _tap-dancing_ atop of Toji's bloody corpse.

"I remembered…" Sachiel growled as Shinji's feet became coated in blood, "_Every_ little punch you ever landed! AND NOW I'M PAYING YOU BACK TWENTY FOLD!"

The sight was glorious, and despite its level of morbidity, Arael, Sandolphon, Adam, Lillith, Israfel, Armisael, Leliel, and Zeruel could not help but watch with a look of happiness on their faces.

When Sachiel finally stopped attacking the body, there was no doubt that Bardiel was dead. But nobody was complaining. They were cheering.

It truly was, the best Christmas ever.

A/N: With Bardiel's death, NERV is even more determined to kill Shinji. But while the test-model Humangelion rests up, NERV takes the chance to attack again. Can Arael end her losing record and take down the 15th Eva? Find out next chapter: It's the Devil's Song, I Swear!


	16. It's the Devil's Music, I Swear!

A/N: I don't own Evangelion, Dungeons and Dragons, Prince of Persia, Transformers, or Viewtiful Joe. And thanks again to Matt020388 for his tireless and speedy beta-testing.

Needless to say, Bardiel did not have much of a funeral. It was something akin to a party, and by the end, Adam was walking around with a lampshade on his head and saying "Beer and Ramen noodles to all of my subjects!" over and over. Needless to say, even Sachiel felt sorely tempted by the offer. Armisael felt a little bit bad, however, despite that Bardiel had just been using them to try to kill his nemesis, but Lillith cheered her up as best she could.

"Come on! He was going to kill Sachiel and everybody else for shits and giggles! Sachiel did the right thing!" the white Angel said, causing the chain to feel a bit better.

"Thanks. I just wish things hadn't turned out like that. I mean… why did Bardiel try so hard to kill Sachiel in the first place?" Armisael asked, looking over to Sachiel and Arael. They were enjoying themselves and debating whether or not Viewtiful Joe could beat the Prince of Persia over shots of sake.

"What, you meant you liked him?" Lillith asked, grinning mischievously as Armisael somehow blushed.

"Well… he had that bad boy 'I don't follow anybody's rules' attitude that you know we girls find irresistible."

"Which is a real shame because you know what happens to people that act like that," Lillith said cheerfully.

"They become murderers and rapists?"

"Yep! Either that or Israfel finds them and makes them wished they _had_ played by the rules." Lillith shook her head as screams were heard three rooms down from the party. However, one masculine yell was of victory as Israfel started cursing the d20. "Ah… the saving throw, Israfel's one weakness…"

* * *

"Bardiel failed in his mission," NERV 0 fumed the next day, completely infuriated at the Angel's insubordination and the _two_ failures caused by it.

"True, but Unit Shinji is now stuck in repairs for three months," Nerv 7 stated. "At the very least, it's a sitting duck."

"Which of the Evas does the Dead Sea scrolls say will come next?" asked Nerv 2.

"The other aerial one."

"Perfect," Nerv 0 said, a smile forming, "It may not bring about Shinji's death, but at the very least…"

* * *

Adam was at a loss of what to do next. It had finally sunk into his head that NERV was actually out to kill Sachiel and Shinji, which incidentally wasn't part of the plan they had told him.

So now it came down to which he wanted more: Eve or Sachiel. The woman that he loved… or the boy that wanted him dead…

Decisions, Decisions…

"Adam?" asked a voice as the SEELE officer looked up to see Zeruel standing there.

"What is it?" Adam asked as he cracked open a can of beer to let off the stress.

"Have you heard the most recent report from NERV?"

"No, what's on it?"

"They're declaring you should relieve Sachiel of piloting duties and decommission Unit Shinji."

"Why?" Adam asked. Something was wrong here. In order for Eve to be revived, didn't that mean using all three of the remaining Humangelions?

"Don't know. But they're putting the Japan's mech series back on track after Toji's little scuffle." The angel looked Adam in the eyes. "I think all of this was planned from the get-go."

"You mean NERV's been planning to screw us over from day one?" Adam let out a laugh. "Why would they want to do that?"

Zeruel sighed as he flipped open a chart. "Well, they've been playing favorites with the Melef series and now they're beginning the Transformers series. Optimus Prime will be ready in a matter of weeks."

"Wow. It's almost as if the author keeps dragging other giant mechs into the series for us to wipe out. What's he thinking?"

"Probably running out of ideas. Have you noticed the lag in update times? He's playing favorites with _all_ his other fanfics. Bastard."

A bolt of lightning surged down from the heavens, through conveniently open doors all the way through the Remiel, frying both Adam and Zeruel rather mercilessly. "Simple coincidence," Adam said again before his beer exploded by divine might. "Okay, point taken."

* * *

"So Shinji is out of action for a while?" Sachiel asked as he talked to Sandolphon down in her lab.

"'Fraid so. Your little dance routine on Unit Toji didn't leave it in fighting condition, so you'll have to wait a while for it to get patched up again."

Sachiel wondered if now was the time to ask the question that had been bothering him. About the voice inside of Unit Shinji and the Humangelions. Why not now…

"Hey, Sandolphon?" he asked as the scientist looked at him again.

"Yes, Satch?" she asked, seeing him blush from her improvised nickname.

"'Satch", eh? Maybe I'll keep it…" he said. "But that's not the point! I mean, I think I have a good idea about who is really inside Unit Shinji, and it makes a lot of sense!"

"Oh?" Sandolphon asked. The boy was growing up fast, and he might as well know more about the truth. "Who do you think it is?"

"I think it's your mom," Sachiel said plainly, noticing a smile curling up on Sandolphon's lips as he said that. Before he knew it, the lava-coated angel brought him into a warm hug, or should I say smoldering-hot hug, due to the molten rock that coated her body.

"Oh, Sachiel! This is great! I was worried you didn't know how to deal with the fact, but now…" Tears trickled down her eyes, only to evaporate as they touched the lava. "I guess it's really falling into place about everything, doesn't it?"

"Uh… no," Sachiel said as he managed to break from the grasp after having 3rd degree burns on most of his body. "It's just that… I really didn't figure anything else out except Randolphon is inside of Unit Shinji! Really!"

Sandolphon sighed. "Well, at least you know why I'm always taking care of you. You know, I'm not really your sister, as far as I know, but I feel I might as well act like one."

"Yeah," Sachiel said as a dirty thought erupted from his mind. "But you had sex with my dad! Lots of times! EAAAAAHHH! TEH INCEST!"

Sandolphon once again trapped him in a bear hug, this time not caring as the smoke alarms went off due to the smoldering flesh.

"Thanks for killing those brain cells dealing with memory," Sachiel said as his crispy remains crawled to the hospital in the Remiel.

"Anytime, Satch," Sandolphon said playfully as she tossed a can of napalm after him.

* * *

"What the HELL?" Arael shouted as her boyfriend was confined to the hospital bed. "Just how bad _was _the fall in the Human hanger?"

"Well it wouldn't have been so bad," Sachiel muttered before coughing up some blood, "But Lillith yelled out 'piggy-back ride' and jumped on my back. That made my arms give out and I fell down into the sulfuric acid being used to erode away the rest of Unit Toji."

"How was I supposed to know you weren't playing around?" Lillith asked, summoning up the cutest puppy-dog eyes manageable with her marshmallow-like body.

"HOW ABOUT THE TRAIL OF BLOOD COMING FROM MY BODY?" Sachiel yelled, inadvertently coughing up even more blood until Lillith jammed a lollipop in his mouth to shut the green angel up.

"I'll just say the glass is half-full," Lillith said as she pranced away, leaving Arael and her boyfriend completely dumbfounded.

"You okay?" Arael asked as she gave Sachiel a quick kiss on the forehead, hoping he'd get better soon.

Sachiel, still stuck with the piece of candy in his mouth could only nod and grunt approvingly.

"You know, it's something really odd…"

"Mm mmr mrph?" (How Lillith never takes her medicine?)

"No dear, just the fact that we've been sent more times to the emergency room because of each other than the Eva attacks."

"Mmm…" (Yeah…)

"Oh, by the way. Israfel showed me a new move that I wanted to try out."

"Mmr Mr mrph!" (Oh God, no!)

"You better keep that lollipop in! Things might get rough!"

"MRRRPPHHHH! MRMR! MRMR! MPH!" (Help! Father! Please! Kill me!)

* * *

"So how's the research on the Sword of Serpentus going?" asked Arael later that night. Sachiel was still incapacitated (and _how_), so Sandolphon had decided to come over for dinner. Or more precisely, bring it over, since Israfel and Arael's cooking skills were seriously lacking.

"Well," Sandolphon started, "It's not that good. All we know is that it was composed of a material made before the Evas were, which is why they can cut through the AT fields."

"Any idea what that material is?" Israfel asked. Between overseeing the repairs of the Humangelions after Bardiel's little adventure, trying to find a replacement for Bardiel himself (his screams were like poetry to her soul), and spending time with Material; she hadn't had a chance to take a look at the sword itself.

Sandolphon shook her head. "Sorry. It's just real old. That's all we know at the moment." She then turned towards Arael. "I heard Sachiel now has dehydration added to his list of inconveniences."

"Not because of me," Arael said, raising her wings in an act of defense. "Lillith stormed in about five seconds later, ripped her lollipop out of Sachiel's mouth, and ended up knocking him into a space heater."

"Such a poor string of bad luck for him," Israfel sighed. "He'll be out of action for quite a while."

* * *

When Sachiel finally woke up again, he found his father, of all people, standing over his bed.

"Hello, son."

"Excuse me, do I know you?" Sachiel coughed out with sarcasm dripping from each word.

"I did not raise my son to be a bastard," Adam stated, frowning.

"You were never even around," Sachiel said back.

"Like I said before, 'I did not raise my son.'" The SEELE commander smiled. "Checkmate."

"We're not playing chess, dillhole. Now why are you down here?"

"We've picked up the newest Eva. I thought you should know what the game plan is." He sighed and then paused before answering. "It's another high-atmosphere one, so Arael and Lillith are going to snipe it out with the Positron Rifles."

"Thanks for nothing then, dad, like always." He expected Adam to say something snide, but instead his commander just turned and walked away. As the door opened, however, Adam stopped.

"Sachiel, I never went after you because I'd never be there for you. I'd be too busy with my work to ever spend proper time with you. I felt it would be better if I just left you alone.

"Take care of Arael, son," Adam continued. "Hold onto the woman… or women… that make you happy. Either that or you'll end up like me…" Adam said nothing else, and walked outside.

_Eve… Randolphon… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for both of you…

* * *

_

"So how's it going back in Asaka?" asked Lillith cheerfully, still eating her lollipop inside her Humangelion. Arael had no idea how she smuggled it past Israfel, and it was starting to get annoying.

"I'll be fine," Arael answered as she double-checked the meters. The Fifteenth Eva, pleasantly named "The SDAT", would be in range in a few moments. _Okay… time to go to business!_

There it was… a giant cassette player… the display showing it was about to play "Track 25".

"Both of you," Material shouted from the Remiel, "Fire now!"

But it was too late. The SDAT fired its cables down, which latched onto hearing pieces of Units Rei and Asaka.

"MY GOD!" Arael screamed, "THE MUSIC! IT'S SO TWISTED! HOW CAN ANYONE LISTEN TO THIS?"

Lillith was no better, yelling and clutching her head in agony. All the little puppies… they wouldn't die! She tore their damn little throats out, and they just kept barking! How could anyone stand up to that kind of cuteness constantly?

* * *

"Both pilots are freaking out!" Material read to Sandolphon as she looked in horror. Sachiel was safe, sure, but what about his friends? And there was nothing Shinji could do this time!

"Don't worry about them," Israfel said, an evil smiling appearing on her face.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sandolphon shouted at her friend. "That thing is…"

* * *

"RAPING OUR MINDS!" Arael and Lillith howled in unison.

* * *

"Oh," Sandolphon realized.

"My two apprentices will do well," Israfel said in a dominating voice. "Now send up the Sword of Serpentus for the finishing blow!"

"Major," Adam said over her shoulder, "You are not authorized for issuing commands to-" A dark and evil glare that made Adam wish his manhood would shrivel up and die so as to cut his losses appeared on Israfel's face, forcing him to change his opinion. "Uh… yeah. Send the sword up."

* * *

_Just focus…_ said the voices inside of both Rei and Asaka, _Teach that bastard his lesson!_

Arael and Lillith focused on the single mental image capable of making any computer freak out… thinking smut in binary code…

And thankfully, Arael knew just how to do that… so while she was thinking "0001110101001010111000111000011101010000110101000010010101010101011110101100110101010101110010101010101001," Lillith grabbed up the sword and chucked it clean through the Eva.

"Well that was a _total_ waste of a sword that can cut through AT-Fields," Sandolphon muttered later that night as she, Lillith, Material, Israfel and Arael all celebrated the victory. Sachiel was still getting medical treatment, but he had a video conferencing camera set up to talk with them.

"I probably would've just imagined Sandolphon screwing my-" Sachiel started right before the camera and audio piece were smashed in seemingly by accident thanks to Sandolphon.

"Oops, heh heh…" she blushed and started sweating while everybody just stared at her and laughed.

"I feel sorry for the poor boy," Material sighed. "I mean, being here with four beautiful women such as yoursel- OH GOD, NOOOOOOOO!"

I could never hope to describe what had just happened, but I will let you know it involved ball bearings, a blender, birdshot, and a Miss Piggy doll.

A/N: When Sub-Commander Zeruel gets captured, he recalls all the things that happened 15 years ago, shedding serious light on this story. Like why Adam seems like a decent guy but everyone hates him. And where Israfel was trained in being a rapist. Of course, it'll be fun galore in I Remember It Like Yesterday….


	17. I remember it like Yesterday

A/N: Amazing what a power outage at your highschool Friday morning can do. I don't own Evangelion, Art of Fighting, Fatal Fury, King of Fighters, Street Fighter, Mario, 8-Bit Theatre, or One Piece.

"Have you heard the news?"

"About that rip in the space-time continuum?"

"No, not that one! They say there was a kidnapping at SEELE!"

Sachiel perked out of his snooze and realized it was four months after Christmas. What the Hell had he been doing in that amount of time? Oh yeah… playing _Super Fatal Art of Being the King of Street Fighting II_ and trying to beat that stupid final boss character… Damn SNK Boss Syndrome. He'd stick to RPGs next time.

"Hey, Sachiel, you hang out at the Remiel right? Who got kidnapped?" Asked one of his classmates. Sachiel shrugged.

"Don't know, really. Ask Lillith; considering she's the one usually down there."

But the question was in his head, and he asked Israfel when he got home that day. He noticed the woman was completely business when he got home. She was dressed formally and going over written alibis.

"Israfel, is somebody from SEELE missing?"

Israfel nodded. "Yes. And it's a real pisser that it's Zeruel. I mean… why go after him and make our lives a living Hell since we have to deal with Adam all the time then!"

Sachiel sighed. If it was any consolation, only two more Evas to deal with.

* * *

"I'm beginning to be under the impression that you people were playing us from the beginning," Zeruel said as he looked around to the cloaked figures of the NERV council. "Am I right?"

"As a matter of fact, you are," NERV 1 answered. "Now, for purposes of keeping with the plotline, would you mind thinking about how this situation started by experiencing an episode-long flashback?"

"Of course!"

* * *

_Zeruel's Point of View_

_There once was a man named Gold Roger, who was king of the-_

**BANG!**

_Okay… let me start again… it was the year 2000, and Adam had been dragged out of another bar fight by me. Needless to say… he didn't win that one, like usual._

"But how else will I get my health low enough to go berserker?" Adam complained to me.

_I sighed in frustration. "Adam, this isn't a video ga-" But I shut up as soon as Adam head-butted a brick wall and a giant mushroom flew out. _"How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Just make a mushroom fly out of a solid brick wall!"

"Oh, that? Funny story about that…"

"I've got time."

"Time for what?"

"Hearing about how the hell you got a mushroom from a solid brick wall!"

"Oh, funny story about that…"

_It was that day I decided that if I even got the chance to kill Adam, I would. And to this day, I still have no idea how he got that mushroom.

* * *

_

_Still Zeruel's point of view _

_Then came Second Impact, which I was tutored about by an extremely old man the day after it happened. It was the worst day of my life… the Polar Ice Caps are at the NORTH Pole! **GOD**!_

_In the meantime… the remains of the Angel were put into research, and thus began the Humangelion project. I was in my office when Adam walked in again._

"Hello sir," he said smiling.

"You look happy."

"Of course… take a look! I got married and I changed my surname!"

"Adam… we're a race that only goes by a single name. You're Adam. You're not Adam Ikari. You're not Adam Goku. And you're not Adam Dark Schneider, no matter how hard you claim to be."

"But I _am_ the Bastard!" Adam shouted out in a childish manner before running away.

"Maybe _a _bastard…" I muttered, "But not _the_ Bastard."

_The next few years drifted by, likely in a drunken haze. Beer had a monopoly on drinks back then… but I'm getting off subject._

_By this time, Adam and Eve had begun constructing of the Humangelions, with some assistance from Randolphon and a number of other scientists. I was sorta watching from the sidelines when…_ it_ happened._

_It was just a routine test-run on Unit Shinji when fate struck. Well… that and a conveniently placed banana peel. Eve walked down the catwalk when her foot graced across the banana and she fell into the cooling liquid, never to be seen again._

_Of course, Adam was devastated, and freed from a sexually dominating woman for the first time in his life, he did the only sensible thing:_

_Have Randolphon fill her place, which she jumped at the opportunity._

_For a while, the nookie went great for Adam, but it wasn't the same. Eve would enjoy implementing razor blades and other things like that, then strap Adam to the wall and toss the knives at Adam to freak him out. Randolphon might have been dominating in their relationship, but their's was a relationship based on love and comfort… and Adam just couldn't dealt with being treated as something more than a sex slave. And then… __it happened.

* * *

_

_Normal point of view many years in the past_

Randolphon sighed as she tried to clear all the crud off Adam's computer.

_Carbon scoring on my droid… yeah right!_

The sound of a packet of diskettes being knocked over followed by insane swearing caused Randolphon look around and see a young white angel looking at her.

"Oh, hello! You must be Lillith… Adam sometimes talked about you when he wasn't talking about Sachiel or how he was Dark Schnieder."

"Don't talk to me, old hag," the young Lillith said with malice laced into her voice.

"Lillith… you shouldn't call somebody an old hag when technically the white marshmallow crap you were made out of is as old as time."

"I don't care, old hag."

"Lillith… why are you calling me… _old hag?_" Randolphon's patience was wearing thin, and she could feel the desire of strangling the little girl overwhelming her.

"She told me to call you that, saying 'the old hag has no use anymore'."

Randolphon almost immediately perked up. "Oh! You're just imitating somebody else saying that, aren't you?"

"Yep!"

"Lillith, you shouldn't just repeat what people say, because it's not a nice thing to do. You don't know about the inside jokes or real context of the phrase. Now if you had just decided to start calling me 'old hag' for no reason, I would probably be strangling you by now and then commit suicide only to download my thought patterns into Unit Rei… you know, the prototype Humangelion. But since you're just imitating somebody, you don't really understand a word you're saying, so I think you should just go home."

"Okay!"

Lillith walked away in a much better mood as Randolphon thought back. Who was Lillith talking about? Could it be…

**BANG! ** A bullet caught the lava-soaked angel through her head before the shooter walked out and did the same to Lillith.

* * *

_Back in the present_

"Ah… a touching story of clones and other contraptions I'm sure the readers already know the original concept of," NERV 01 sighed. "Very well then, take him away!"

And so several armed guards grabbed on Zeruel and carted him away.

"So, are you worried about Zeruel?" asked Material as he sat down with Adam, who at the moment was dressed like Garland from "8-Bit Theatre."

"Certainly, but my hands are tied. I've overstepped my bounds concerning NERV too many times. You know, the Sword of Serpentis ordeal…"

Material grit his teeth. "Come on, man! Do something, dammit! You're so spineless! You marry a woman that treats you like dirt, lose her to a -conveniently placed, I might add- banana peel, get into a relation with a women that actually treated you with dignity, lost her to a mysterious gunman, and now your clinging to your damn instrumentality project, which I might add is a load of crap!"

"That's a lot to speak from a man whose girlfriend stapled him to a table once," Adam shot back.

Material grit his teeth and then skittered out of the office. "Yes, but she also administered first aid, dammit!"

* * *

Zeruel was starting to get tired in his cell; there were just so many times you could play tic-tac-toe against yourself before it got pointless. Namely, you could only play it once.

But then a door opened and Material was standing there. "Hi there! Jehovah's Witness!"

"Oh god, kill me now!" Zeruel shouted before Material walked over to him and let the angel go. "Oh, thanks.'

"Sure thing. I'm here to get you out."

"You know NERV is going to blow your brains out, correct?" Zeruel asked as the two walked out of the base to a conveniently placed aircraft.

"Don't worry. I have a plan all set and everything!"

* * *

"Oh, hi there! You're a little late, aren't you?"

**BANG!

* * *

**

When Israfel got back from work, she saw that there were two messages on her answering machine. She walked over to it and flipped it on.

"Israfel? It's NERV security calling. We've received word that your boyfriend has broken into our high tech base located somewhere that even we don't know about. Be well aware that he is going to die for it."

_Wow,_ thought a barely fazed Israfel, _first Bardiel and now Material? My toys are dropping like flies._

The second message then played immediately afterward.

"Oh, hi there!" It was Material. "Well, if this is the second message on your answering machine, then probably NERV found out who's behind this all and decided to hunt me down and kill me. I'm probably going to die anyways, but there's always the hope they'll send only a single man to kill me, and if that's the case, as long as I find a pawn shop that sells guns, I'll be okay. Hey! There's on right there!"

All Israfel could do was blink.

Absurdity was starting to get on her nerves.

* * *

There was a massive banner at SEELE headquarters saying "Welcome back Zeruel" for the sub-commander. When Zeruel opened his eyes, he saw everyone from work was there, even Material, who had discovered pawnshops sold the best sawed-off shotguns around for dirt-cheap.

Adam was there, still dressed up as Garland, handing out cookies to everybody.

It was a wonderful little party, until one of the phones rang. Sandolphon walked over to it and picked it up as silence descended on the group.

"Hello?" she asked.

"May I please speak to the bastard?" came a feminine voice.

"You mean Dark Schnieder? Sorry, wrong show."

"NOT THAT! I'M TALKING ABOUT M -I MEAN ADAM!" came the voice.

Sandolphon handed the phone over to the wanna-be evil villain who picked it up. After listening for a few moments, Adam nodded once and began to speak. "Very well then. But let me tell you just one thing: screw Instrumentality."

"But Adam-"

"Buh-bye now!" Adam announced before hanging up.

All the generic techies that didn't have names looked at him in shock, and then immediately bowed down.

"All hail Adam, the one true Bastard!"

It was then that strange, dark energies erupted from nowhere in particular and flew at Adam, bathing him in an intense aura of darkness. And when the aura subsided, Adam now had a new outfit on.

That of a fairy princess.

"Nevermind," everybody said in unison.

* * *

"So SEELE has decided to pick a fight with us," NERV 07 mused.

"Yes, and their Commander/Fairy Princess just grew a backbone," added NERV 08.

"So what's the plan, fearless leader?" asked NERV 01 to 00.

"Isn't the answer obvious?" NERV 00 answered. "There are still two Evas left. Unit Shinji is being re-calibrated for its S-2 engine, and neither Rei nor Asuka is as much of a threat."

"So we pray the next Eva gets off its duff and attacks soon?"

"Pray? No. Plead with the gods like there was no tomorrow? Yes."

* * *

Conveniently enough, the alarms back at the party for an Eva attack just happened to go off.

The various techies all ran to their stations and got the information of Israfel, who looked it over.

"No clue on visual yet," she reported as she looked over the papers. "What's the game plan?"

"What else? Send out Asuka and Rei and kill it in five seconds like all the rest!" Zeruel answered as the two female pilots ran off.

A/N: Well, we're almost at the end! Will the Sixteenth Eva actually have better luck beating the gang up than the others? Will Lillith suffer the same fate as Rei in the original? Will Adam get a cooler costume someday? Find out in Lillith III.


	18. Lillith III

A/N: Whoo! Amazing what getting supportive reviews can do to a story's progression rate… like "A Single Decision", which I update at least once a week on average! (glares at non-reviewers here) You know I don't own this.

WARNING! ANOTHER SERIOUS CHAPTER!

Arael and Lillith quickly ran to their respective Humangelions, each one jumping in and waiting for the launch command. In the meantime, Adam had headed off to a costume shop to pawn off the Fairy Princess outfit for something a bit more bastardy, leaving Zeruel in charge. Not that anyone was complaining… they finally had somebody that was worth their weight in beer calling the shots.

"Human Units Rei and Asuka, LAUNCH!" he shouted as the two pilots were sent off to fight the newest Eva.

When both Arael and Lillith finally were shot up into Tokyo-3, they noticed something was wrong…

There wasn't an Eva around whatsoever. No gigantic bio-mech delivering havoc like a monster in a Gamora movie… just the city.

After making their rounds, there was no sign of any gigantic, about-to-kill-Lillith/Unit Rei monstrosity whatsoever. It just didn't make any sense…  
-----------------------------------  
"Turn up audio… I thought I heard something," Israfel said as the techie complied. Picking up a set of headphones, the sexual predator listened intently for anything that seemed out of place.

And then she heard it.

Israfel outright screamed in agony as she did the only thing imaginable to save herself from the maddening sounds: destroy the entire computer terminal. When Zeruel was about to lash out at her for the action, Israfel just looked at him and glared in a way that said "By the time you finish yelling at me, a small but crucial part of your body will be vaporized… and it won't be your tongue."

"What… what did you hear?" Zeruel asked, pulling a complete 180.

Israfel shook her head and shivered. "Something… something that would scare a ten foot tall sea slug with laser eyes and a robotic arm grafted to its forehead…"

"Salt water?"

"NO YOU DUNCE! I SAID '_SEA SLUG'_! THAT MEANS THEY'RE _USED_ TO THE SALT, DAMMIT!"  
-----------------------------------  
Suddenly, a quiet but audible voice drifted into earshot of Lillith and Arael as they neared the area where the school would normally be. And they gasped in utter horror.

"Blah blah blah… Second Impact… Blah blah blah…"

Asuka and Rei fell to their knees as their pilots dropped their jaws in horror. Standing there was an old man rambling on about something very stupid… and it _hurt_. Not the kind of pain that you could slap a band-aid on and tough out… no.

Stupidity is the only thing with infinite power in the Universe… and this boring, normal-sized teacher had it in spades.

"AAAAAGH!" both fighters screamed as the Eva just rambled on without noticing them, his very surroundings beginning to decay and corrode. "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

The both collapsed to the ground, the gigantic Humangelions twitching from the pain, unable to do anything against this… clearly the most deadly enemy they had yet to face.  
-----------------------------------  
"Dammit! Sachiel… are you up to piloting?" Sandolphon asked as she shook him violently, accidentally sending him down an elevator shaft.

"I guess so…" echoed his voice as he crawled back up. "Just send up a gun with me and some ear-muffs and I should be okay…"

"What about that pipe sticking out of your head?"

Sachiel looked up at the said plumbing instrument, which had impaled his head sideways and was sticking out both ends. He simply shrugged and jogged off to his Human. "I'll walk it off!" he shouted.

Oddly enough, because of the shock of simply walking, that pipe really _did_ fall out.  
-----------------------------------  
The pain was unimaginable. As powerful a force as Dark Schneider was… _THE_ Bastard… the most powerful entity created in fiction that could easily _burn_ Fire Demons to death and could take over Hell with nothing more than a decapitated head… even He would seem underpowered under the force of the Old Teacher Guy Person Thing… patent pending.

Arael and Lillith could only scream in pain from the stress when a flurry of gunshots knocked the old man away from them. They looked up to see Unit Shinji standing there with a big gun and Princess Leia-style earmuffs, holding a pair of earmuffs out for both of them too.

Rei and Asuka quickly grabbed the mufflers as well, grabbing guns of their own as the OTGPT began walking forward and continued rambling again. The absurd concepts caused the bullets to stop in mid-air and the very ground to begin to become atomized underneath it. At this rate… the thing would be at the Remiel in seconds.

Shinji and Asuka charged, deflected by a single misused noun as Rei and Lillith looked at it, alone.

_You're not alone…_ came a remotely assuring voice from inside the first Humangelion.

"I might as well be…" Lillith answered, "After all… you're me. The first me."

_You're a smart girl… what do you say… shall we die together?_

Lillith was dead silent as a single tear trickled down her face.

_Well?_

"YOU'RE RUINING THE SUSPENSE OF MY FINAL SACRIFICE, BITCH!" Lillith screamed, causing the Humangelion itself to do a face-vault.

_SORRY!_ The original Lillith shouted back from inside of the Humangelion before it uprighted itself and charged. Without hesitation, Lillith reached behind her chair to the self-destruct device and flipped it on.

"Don't worry First… I'll be with you in just a moment. We just have to do our best to protect Third."

_What?_

"AT-Field to maximum…" Lillith said as she felt herself fall apart, her own personal field instead wrapping around the explosion as it emanated from Rei, focusing it into a blast that left Rei completely unharmed but destroyed the Old Teacher Guy Person Thing.  
-----------------------------------  
All of SEELE was awestruck at Lillith's brave sacrifice…

For a whole minute. And then they dragged the next Lillith out of cold storage, plopped her in a hospital bed, and claimed everything was going to be all right.  
-----------------------------------  
The third Lillith woke up, expecting to see friends and family around her. Instead she saw no one. Standing up, she walked outside and looked around. She saw Sachiel and Arael sitting there together and cuddling before they looked up at Lillith, Sachiel looking at her in a confused look.

"Lillith?" he asked, looking at her.

"Uh… yeah?" she asked quietly, not expecting Arael and Sachiel to suddenly break down and start crying. "Wh… what's the matter?"

Sachiel just looked up at her in a pitied look. "How… how can _you_ be Lillith? I mean, Lillith was sickeningly sweet… enjoying causing senseless destruction and the death of millions one second and then licking a lollipop the next! You… you're just too shy!"

"Well… I guess I'm sorry."

"GRAAHHH! COME ON, LILLITH!" Sachiel and Arael screamed in unison, "SAY SOMETHING STUPID AND CHILDISH, LIKE 'ARE THE PUPPIES ALRIGHT SO I CAN CUT THEIR EYES OUT OF THEIR HEADS AND FLUSH THEM DOWN THE TOILET?'! COME ON! SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!"

Lillith sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry… I just don't think I'm able to do something like that." She walked away quietly, looking at the ground.

"Jeez… something is wrong with her," Arael said.

"Yeah. Let's see my bastard of a father about it," Sachiel answered.  
-----------------------------------  
"HAHAHAHA! FINALLY!" Adam cackled inside of his office, looking at the awesome outfit he was wearing. "I can finally go to an anime convention now that I AM THE BASTARD!"

With a fantastic wig of silver-white hair, a red cape, and the outfit that came from a Dungeons and Dragons player, Adam's outfit was complete in all of its bastardly glory!

…And then Sachiel bashed the door down and if flung into Adam, knocking him into his desk and breaking it.

"YOU BASTARD!" Sachiel and Arael said as they pointed at him in unison.

Surprisingly, Adam was unfazed from the insult… instead relishing the insult. Realizing what was going on, Sachiel walked up to his father and snatched the wig away and asked Arael for a lighter. "Information, old man… or else I burn your precious wig to a crisp!"

"You wouldn't!" Adam yelled back… only to see his son flick the lighter on and live up to his promise. He then grabbed the shocked Angel's cape and offered the same threat. "Fine! FINE! As you probably don't know… Lillith was a clone based off that of your mother…"

"Actually, we sorta figured that out pretty quickly…" Sachiel said.

"It was _pretty_ obvious," Arael added.

Adam let out a grunt of frustration, snatched his replacement wig, and grabbed the two pilots. "FINE! LET'S JUST JUMP TO THE WHOLE 'LILLITHQUERIUM' Scene!"

"Shouldn't Sandolphon be taking care of this scene?" Arael asked.

"HEY! I'M THE BASTARD! I AM ENTITLED TO SCREW AROUND WITH THE PLOT, DAMMIT!" he stopped when he saw Lillith looking at a lollipop and wondering what to do with it… eventually deciding it was something you'd put in a keyhole. "GRAH! YOU'RE COMING TOO!"  
-----------------------------------  
"So… this is the Lillithquerium…" Sachiel said without enthusiasm.

"So… what's the matter?" Adam asked, completely oblivious.

"WE THOUGHT YOU HAD SOME SORT OF HIGH-TECH STORAGE CONTAINER… NOT A CARNIVAL WHERE YOU HAVE TO GET A BALL IN A CUP!" Arael screamed.

"What? Oh… sorry… I was wondering why something seemed out of place." Adam then casually shot the carny in the head and then blew up the pavilion with a magic spell. "HAH! I REALLY _AM_ THE BASTARD!"

"Only because you used a hand grenade for that."

"SHUT UP!"

After a brief sprint down to the stairwell… in which Sachiel stepped on Adam's cape and caused him to fall down the entire length while swearing the whole time, the four found themselves looking at the massive storage tank holding all the Lillith copies.

"So…" Lillith said quietly while looking around. "This… these are all me…"

Adam suddenly seemed a lot more serious, and he sighed sadly. "Yes… the same thing goes into the dummy plugs we were testing…" His hand drifted over to a switch as he hesitated. No! Enough being some spineless loser! He had to draw the line somewhere in his life so he could at least be a decent father! And besides… he was… _THE_ Bastard!

…Or at least a Dark Schneider cosplayer.

_Enough of these soulless monstrosities!_ Adam thought as he flipped the switch and accidentally turned off the lights. "Oops… wrong one…"  
-----------------------------------  
The group walked out much… much more sober after watching the naked marshmallow creature thingies drift into nothingness, save for Lillith who smiled as she looked at Adam.

"I… I think I'm the lucky one…"

Adam, Arael, and Sachiel all turned in confusion.

"Wha?" they said in unison as Lillith's smile grew a little bigger.

"I'm not a pawn of anyone, am I?"

Adam sighed and nodded. "No, Lillith… none of us are pawns."

Suddenly the grin became nice and big, and jumped in the air happily… inadvertently punching out part of the support frame and causing a number of technicians to fall to their deaths.

But then again… who cared about techies?  
-----------------------------------  
"How long until the next batch of the Transformers-series is complete?" asked NERV 0 as the others began sweating nervously. Things were looking bad… and there was only one more Eva left to be defeated, too!

"They'll be ready soon... master..."  
-----------------------------------  
Lillith breathed slowly as she sat in the cockpit of Unit Rei before speaking up. "So… you two are the previous versions of me?"

_That's right,_ came one voice, sterner and older.

_I CAN'T EAT LOLLIPOPS ANY MORE!_ Echoed the second… obviously the one coming from the Lillith that had befriended the people here at SEELE.

"I'm sorry…" Lillith III said sadly before the other two screamed out in agony.

_NOOOO! NOT THE S-WORD!_ The two creamed in unison, the gigantic Human bashing its head against the wall.

"Uh… Lillith?" came Sandolphon's voice over the radio.

"Yes?" she asked quizzically.

"That's enough for today… besides, we've got a new pilot here."

Lillith, or at least the one with a physical body, jumped out with a decent amount of cheer onto the ground, seeing another person in a pilot outfit standing next to Israfel. She seemed rather… well… much like a Humangelion in appearance.

"This is Hikari Horaki… she's the Fifth Child."

"You have a last name?" Lillith asked in confusion. "Who has a last name?"

Hikari blushed. "It's sorta weird… and a long story."

"Well…" Lillith said nervously, "Let me be the first to welcome you here as a friend." She extended her hand after a delay. Did she say that perkily enough?

"…Yes…" Hikari answered after a moment, as she looked up to see the three Humangelions there. "I think I'll enjoy being here."

Lillith suddenly stopped, however. "Wait a second… we only have three Humans… and wasn't work on Unit Kaoru scrapped?"

Israfel shrugged. "We'll make it work. Back-up pilots, I guess."

Hikari then took Lillith's hand and smiled. "Come on! Show me around this place!"  
-----------------------------------  
Meanwhile, off in the secret lair of the giant monoliths of NERV… NERV 0 was doing the happy dance.

Things were looking up now that the final… and by far the most powerful… Eva had reared her head!

A/N: Still trying to gain some semblance of individuality, Lillith befriends Hikari, and the two are inseparable. Unfortunately, good ol' Hikari is none other than (t3h g4sp!) the last Eva! Can Lillith overcome her feelings of doubt and hesitancy so she can stand and fight in Can't Crush Me until the Song's Over.


	19. Can't Crush Me Till The End of the Song

GA/N: Again, yes, it has been a long time since I updated. Can you blame me? I'm actually GETTING REVEIWS for my King of Fighters fanfiction! But then again, I have no control over this, so if you want to post a review, go right ahead. If not, I at least know you gave me a hit.

Disclaimer: The usual.

"Okay class… we have a new student today…" said the teacher as Hikari walked into the class, the girl waving at Lillith happily for a moment before introducing herself.

"Hi… my name's Hikari… I just moved here, I'm the Fifth Child… and… and…" she took a deep breath, noticing that nobody was really paying attention to her, "And I like Shoujo-ai…"

"WHAT?" Everybody said as they looked at her, the tongues of most of the boys lolling out as they imagined that finally… _finally…_ they had stumbled on that sweet girl that liked other girls just like all those anime and manga series.

They couldn't believe it! It was the proverbial jackpot!

And she had waved at Lillith… and when the class looked at the third version of the pilot, still timid and restrained while her predecessor would usually be gouging out the eyes of a bird while sucking a lollypop, they noticed Lillith blush.

_Well… I'll finally get some individual recognition…_ Lillith thought, _First and Second never got anything like this before…_

* * *

"You know… this IS a serious problem now…" Zeruel muttered as he sat back with Adam in the office, chugging down a few beers. "I mean, NERV sent here her obviously since we've said 'screw you' to them and we don't have a fourth Humangelion to use."

"I've got it all figured out…" Adam answered before grinning. "And it's so simple, too."

"What do you mean?"

"You'll see…"

* * *

"You gotta be kidding!" Sachiel said in frustration as the four pilots heard what Israfel was telling them. "A Roshambo Tournament of Death? I'm the one with the most serious disadvantage!"

"We're talking about Rock-Paper-Scissors, not 'Bloody Balls', Satch," Arael elaborated. "It'll be fun!"

"Yeah…" Sachiel said as he rolled his eyes.

"Okay…" Israfel said, "And Hikari, _stop giving me the eye!_"

"Sorry…" the Fifth Child said while slumping down.

"Well then… let the Roshambo Tournament of Death begin!"

The results were rather… humiliating for Lillith…

* * *

"But… can't paper cut rock?" she just kept repeating on her way home that night. Things were just so confusing now… Especially considering who and what she was.

So she just opened the door to her small apartment… well… _Second's_ apartment, and cleaned up a bit.

Things were so much easier when she was just a floating blob in that Lillithquerium.

At the very least now… being reduced down to being a backup pilot would give her time to continue studies and work on a personality of her own.

Dealing with the 17th Eva got her thinking… _what would she do when it was over_? Her past life had been defined by the necessity as a Humangelion pilot… but soon that would all be over…

A doorbell ring caused her to jolt up and walk over to the door.

"Who is it?"

"Me! Hikari!"

Lillith then slumped over and sighed in frustration.

Suicide was more tempting to her than anything else at the moment. Turning around, she sized up everything in the room that could have a lethal purpose.

"Switchblade, plutonium reactor, sword-chucks, radium-cyanide, a page filled with rabid Mary-Sue fanfics, the list really goes on and on!" Lillith said, finally settling for the sword-chucks and swinging them around as best she could.

In the meantime of this, a series of house burglars slipped in through the windows and made off with the rest, only to fall down dead from those Mary-Sue entities that defied all reason and the laws of physics… 

"Dammit! You'd think something like sword-chucks would be dangerous to use!" Lillith muttered, realizing the weapons would be among one of the safest things to use in a room filled with nothing but hemophiliac babies.

So… without any other means of escape, Lillith sadly opened the door.

"Oh, hi there…" Lillith said without much joy in her voice. "I'm sorry it took me so long getting to the door… I had… a thing to do… yeah… a thing involving lethal weapons… and suicide…"

Hikari suddenly looked very shocked and quickly grabbed Lillith. "Oh Lillith, don't just give in to everything and kill yourself! I know it's probably because you think nobody loves you, but that's not true! I love you!"

_That's kinda the problem…_ Lillith thought unhappily. She tried to break free of Hikari's grip, but the Fifth Child just dragged her, kicking and screaming, out onto the street.

"Nothing to see here, folks!" Hikari screamed at the top of her lungs, almost in an attempt to get attention. "No… just dragging by very bestest friend around!"

* * *

"So… alone at last," Arael said as she and Sachiel sat on a park bench. "You know what that means, right?"

"Never-ending nookie session?"

Arael turned and raised an eyebrow, causing Sachiel to break out in anime-style sweat.

"What?" he said while looking very nervously… "What did I say?"

"What's nookie?" she asked in perfect honesty. "Is it like some kind of cookie?"

"Uh… sorta…"

* * *

"Now seriously, was that all that bad?" Hikari asked as she and Lillith sat in a hot sauna at the Remiel. "I took you on a nice tour of the town!"

"You threw me in a volcano."

"That's part of the town!"

"You tried to make a move on me like a billion times."

"That's because you're hot!"

"WILL YOU STOP THAT!" Lillith screamed, "I'd prefer not having you around and doing that crap! Now, if you'd excuse me, I need to go to bed!"

"With me?"

Lillith couldn't take it any more. She just grabbed the closest sharp and rusty axe (which conveniently was right next to her) and threw it at Hikari before running away.

"I'm going to go crazy if this keeps up!" she screamed in frustration.

* * *

"I am SO glad I don't have to be in there," Lillith said as she rubbed her temples, "I really miss being in the cockpit of Unit Rei, though. To be honest, I'm a little afraid of what she might do…"

"It's okay," Sandolphon answered. "I'm sure Rei will be perfectly fine."

"No… not the Humangelion… the other two Lilliths."

Sandolphon's face suddenly went flush when she realized what the First Child meant.

"That'll… make things awkward…"

* * *

"But you don't deserve a fate without a body!" Hikari pleaded to the minds of Lillith I and Lillith II. "It's too cruel!"

"No it's not…" Lillith I answered, "It's not that bad. We've got all the time we want to think and do stuff in here! You have no idea how much fun it is downloading all the Sega games we want, since we all know that after XBOX360s became self-aware and nearly killed everyone, Sega made really good games in their bid for world domination!"

"Yeah!" Lillith II concurred, "We really like playing the 'Phantasy Star' series a lot."

"But…"

"SHUT UP AND FINISH THE TEST!" the two Lilliths screamed in unison, causing Hikari to break down and cry, inadvertently causing the water to short out Rei's systems.

"GRAH!" Rei screamed as the giant Humangelion lurched and clutched its head completely autonomously, unable to stand the sickly sweet girl that was inside of it. Sandolphon was awestruck before she just looked down and shook her head.

"Okay. She's not piloting _ever_."

"Uh… Sandolphon?" Material said as he pointed to the results, "You should take a look at this."

"What?"

Israfel, Sandolphon, Lillith, and Zeruel all looked over the spider Angel's shoulder, amazed at what they saw.

"No way… a 85 synch ratio!"

"Oh, that?" Hikari asked innocently over the radio. "I can go higher, you know."

The observers were awestruck as the ratio climbed all the way up to 99 before looking at Rei's body, currently trying to knock the entry plug out of herself.

"So… is it worth it?" Sandolphon asked to everybody in the group, all of whom save Lillith answered yes to.

* * *

"This… totally… SUCKS!" Lillith screamed in frustration while beating Leliel up for passing out a petition for Hikari to kiss Lillith in public. Damn Japanese perverts and their hentai!

"It could be worse," Sachiel pointed out as his hypothetical genetic sister threw the Angel away.

"Yeah," Lillith sighed in a melancholy manner, "I coulda kicked him and grabbed him and shot him and stabbed him and nailed him to the wall by his-"

"Uh, you don't have to get that graphic, Lillith," Sachiel said as he checked his watch. "Oh crud… I promised Arael to make out with her in front of the paraplegics at four… gotta go."

Lillith watched Sachiel go and let out a deep grunt of frustration, immediately creating new and very vulgar terms as soon as she saw Hikari spring up.

"Hi there!"

"Hikari, you've got a piece of toast stuck in your mouth."

"Yeah, I know."

"Screw you, I'm going home."

* * *

"Another round of tests for Hikari… joy…" Sandolphon muttered as she sat at the observation box. After discovering she could change her synch ratio at will, Adam had the insane idea to test her out in the other Humangelions for some reason.

Asuka's eyes had been twitching after three minutes. That was normal… putting into account the pilot… but not what happened next.

Suddenly Asuka advanced, smashing through a wall and then diving down through an exhaust tunnel, leaving Sandolphon surprised. She reached for the phone and dialed up Adam.

"What?"

"Hey, Adam? You know what just happened?"

"You mean the earthquake?"

"No, the thing that _caused_ the earthquake."

"You mean a giant ten foot ta-"

"So help me God, Adam, if you say what I think you're going to, I'm going to have to kill you."

"Sorry…"

"And don't apologize. Just get Sachiel and Lillith down here as soon as possible."

* * *

"Run run run down the stairs… run run run down the stairs…" Hikari sang as Asuka ambled down to the bottom of the Remiel… until it was slammed into by Units Shinji and Rei, their respective pilots realizing they would be enjoying this far… _far_ too much.

"But Lillith… Sachiel… I love-"

"Shut your mouth, crazy lady! With Sailor Moon, there's far too many Shoujo-ai fantasy characters out there!" they screamed in perfect unison as they raised up their fists and struck down…

… only for Asuka to stop the attacks.

"Forget I can set my synch ratio as high as I want? Like 500?"

"_500!_" Sachiel and Lillith said in shock as they were both thrown away. Hikari then smiled before walking down the rest of the way to Terminal Dogma and tearing off the door.

"Ah… the first Eva… Gendo-what? _Yui_?"

* * *

_Come on, Lillith… get up!_

"What?"

_Get up!_

Slowly, Lillith obeyed the voices of her Humangelion and charged after Hikari, never minding the fact that Sachiel was still unconscious. She kept running and running, until she saw Hikari standing there, looking at the gigantic entity. Without a second thought, Lillith grabbed her in her hand and began to squeeze.

"What?" Hikari screamed as she turned around. "But… you can't kill me without some sort of long and drawn-out moment!"

"Why not?"

"Because I love you!"

"That's very nice. Actually, it _isn't_. And I don't like you. And now you're gonna die."

SQUISH!

* * *

"Oh happy day!" everybody in Tokyo-3 cheered. With all the Evas killed, everything was going great! Everything was perfect!

Until a solitary figure looked at the city, clutching her fist.

She _would_ have her revenge against Adam and Randolphon... in one way or another.

A/N: Well… writing this took a VERY long time, but things are almost done. Maybe one or two more chapters! Yay! So stay tuned to the next chapter The Beast that needed a Name Tag at the Heart of the World!


	20. TBTNANTATHOTW

A/N: Come on… power through this ending, LSN! Power through!

"So… all the Evas are disposed of?" Sachiel asked.

"Uh huh…" Israfel answered.

"But we're still on full alert?" Arael asked.

"Uh huh," Israfel repeated again. "NERV might try something stupid."

"And why are we all doing this?" Lillith asked, as all three of them stood suiting up in their plug suits… at a comic book convention signing autographs… Arael's line of figures and toys next to them and selling like hotcakes all the while.

"Because we need the money since Adam's been paying us chump change ever since his 'Bastardization' was complete. And I want to hit on Clevin Brianger… the guy that made that sprite comic based of Dragon Warrior, '8-Bit Cinema'!"

"Knowing you… it'll be more than just 'hitting on'…" Sachiel remarked as he turned to look at the angry look at her guardian's face, only to see her already heading off to work.

Unfortunately, however, the deafening sound of a helicopter flying overhead caused all to look up in confusion, and Israfel cursed her luck as she ran outside.

"Dammit… a scouting chopper… things aren't going to be easy…"

* * *

Adam laughed sadistically as he kicked back in his office, it was so easy now… his enemies couldn't possibly stop him now at all! All he had to was…

"No… no… NO!!!"

The doors to his office slid as Sandolphon stepped in, looking at the sobbing SEELE leader. "Sir… were you playing 'Super Smash Brothers Stab-fest' again and lost against the training dummy?"

"And if I did?"

"Then your title as 'Bastard' would be revoked."

"Uh… no. I was just trying out a new character… yeah…"

"Oh… really?"

"Kinda… anyways, what's the matter?"

"We're expecting NERV to go after us now… they're already trying to hack into the Ireul."

"Hmm… any countermeasures we can think of?"

"Most of them are long, elaborate, and would easily be foiled given enough time."

"Joy. I'll get Sandolphon on it right away."

* * *

"NO! I WON'T LET YOU! HE'S ALMOST OLD ENOUGH TOO! DAMN YOU, SANDOLPHON!" Israfel screamed as her friend literally pried Sachiel out of her grasp and dragged him out.

"Sorry, but I'm not going to let this slide anymore. I finally got better housing for Sachiel anyways, so I can finally get him out of this hellhole."

"But noooo!" Israfel pleaded. "I had all these wonderful schemes planned out and everything and you're stripping them away from me!" She collapsed, crying like some loser that overslept, overate, and relied on throwing a tiara at people to kill them as her best friend dragged what would be her easiest conquest out of her grasp. "WHYYYY?"

"You know, you replace that 'H' with an 'R' and you'd scream out 'WRYYY!' like Dio Brando, except it's pronounced like 'WRE', Israfel…" Arael said as she poked her head out of her bedroom.

"Dio?" Israfel asked, confused. "Who's that?"

"Oh, you'll find out…" Arael answered, grinning sadistically. "_You'll find out_. In the meantime… I just sold off another round of the plushie characters from this fanfic… wanna go down to the bar and get unsuspecting college students drunk?"

"YAY!" Israfel shouted, jumping for joy.

* * *

"Jeez… five Ireul's against one… things are really going to be hard for me…" Sandolphon sighed as she sat at her mother's customized computer console, staring down at the colorful little pictographs that her illiterate mind could still interpret fully.

She began opening up a sequence of folders, realizing serious revisions needed to be made. First of all, the entire idea of three stooges needed to be dropped, it was too easy to manipulate. Plus the whole coding system needed to be rewritten from page one.

Sandolphon worked tirelessly, lava dripping from her body and falling onto the keyboard. Bit by bit, her perfect computer program was formed, one entirely new and exciting, aptly titled "The Mavericks."

Finally closing down for the night, she was glad to know that this defensive measure would serve well. "Bring it on, world… I've got something dangerous up my sleeve… and I'm not talking about that lump of magma."

* * *

"GRAHHH!" NERV 8 screamed in frustration as again and again, the massive assault on Japan's viral computer system failed. "Stupid Mavericks!"

"Any idea what the cause of this all is?" NERV 0 asked.

"We've come to a conclusion," NERV 3 began, "First of all, the entire system was changed around… we now face X, Zero, and Axl… and there's something worse that'll take us eons to crack through."

"And that's…"

He gulped. Now for the bad news…

"Well… our computers can't even interface with Japan's system now."

"WHAT?"

"Well, it looks like Sandolphon redid the binary code of the computers… she's using 1's and 2's now! We have no way to counter that. We're talking about a completely different-"

BANG!

Another NERV member fell down, victim of a bullet-induced migraine.

"Damnable Sandolphon… never has there been such a competent and capable girl that can't even read or write her own name!" NERV 0 growled, slamming her hand on the floor. "Mobilize our military forces and the Transformers… we're going to do this the old fashioned, militaristic way."

"YAY!" The others shouted happily.

* * *

"Sir?"

"Yes?" Adam looked up, seeing Zeruel coming into his room again.

"They're actually going to be attacking this time. What should we do with the Humangelion pilots?"

"What else? Get them to their Humans. And by the way…"

"Yes, Adam?"

Adam looked at his second-in-command, suddenly breaking out in a nervous sweat. "Well, I was playing Connect 4 and I…"

"Did you forget your opponent could connect his four diagonally?"

"Yeah… I really outdid myself this time."

"What?" Zeruel said, suddenly developing a twitch as he began realizing what Adam was talking about.

"Well, I needed to brush up on my skills at it if I wanted to maintain my Bastard title and humiliate everyone, so I played against myself. And I somehow kinda outwitted myself and I can't convince myself that I won."

"Sir… are you saying you need to convince _yourself_ of something?"

"Yeah, that Adam is so stupid he really doesn't even believe me."

"But YOU'RE ADAM!"

"And?"

"HOW DO YOU LOSE AN ARGUMENT AGAINST YOURSELF? _HOW_?"

"Well, I'm not really sure about that. But maybe it's got to just be that-"

"Never mind…" Zeruel said, shaking his head and walking away, utterly confused. As soon as he closed the doors, however, he suddenly heard Adam sadistically laugh.

"That guy's not just the Bastard… he's the Dumbass…"

* * *

The troops stood strong, their guns at the ready and their minds prepared for battle. This would be hard… after all, they were going to be up against some of the most dangerous things around…

Like a big red fire truck that shot laser beams.

* * *

"Missile crews," Israfel said over the radio, "Are you ready?"

"Yes ma'am!" shouted said crews.

She nodded and turned back to the three pilots in the briefing room.

"Okay, this is going to be the most difficult battle you three have ever faced. We can hold off the conventional forces without too much trouble, but the Transformers are going to be the biggest threat you've ever faced. Any questions?"

"Uh… yeah…" Arael asked. "You know those twins we picked up at the bar… where did you put them?"

"Chained them to the bathtub. I'm hoping they'll succumb to desires of twincest –which is quite capable of happening in fanfiction, mind you- soon enough," Israfel answered, causing Lilith and Sachiel to take a few steps back in horror at it. "What? You didn't think I was capable of that?"

"Israfel…" Sachiel and Lilith said as they walked away, "You are _so_ depraved."

"Ready, everyone?" Israfel and Material asked not to long afterwards, the Humans ready to launch.

"Yes ma'am!" They answered.

"Okay then… HUMAN UNITS 00, 01, and 02… LAUNCH!"

Units Rei, Shinji, and Asuka shot to the surface, looking around for their quarries… only to be immediately attacked by a barrage of heavy artillery, VTOL aircraft, and small-arms fire.

Not like that did anything to their AT-Fields.

SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!

With that whole ordeal over, they blinked.

It had been _that _easy? Something didn't smell right…

* * *

"Can we _please_ just indulge in maniacal laughter?" NERV 2 asked, thinking sadistically to the moment at which the Transformers would arrive… and the Humangelions would be theirs. After that, it was just the simple matter of somehow prying the Sword of Serpentus from the moon and then plunge it into Unit Shinji.

NERV 0 stood up and looked around. "Sure… why not? But I need to go to the bathroom or something…" She stood up and walked away amidst the stupid laughter.

The fools! Didn't they understand indulging in said laughter meant their ultimate demise and defeat? Whatever… Adam and the others would pay now, NERV had served their purpose perfectly.

As she drove away, the sounds of a massive explosion was music to her ears.

* * *

Adam snorted, seeing the various air carriers come into view. He knew what this meant.

"The real fight is just beginning," he stated, the Transformers dropping to the ground. A series of cars, jet aircraft, helicopters and…

One big red fire truck… Optimus Prime.

Somehow, as if God had a twisted sense of humor, the 'Transformers' music was playing in the background. They stood united… a gigantic army capable of overcoming any odd, and against them… just three Humangelions.

The assortment of robots charged at the Humangelions, preparing to launch an inescapable barrage of lasers, missiles, and the standard affair you'd find on such robots.

CRUNCH!

"You know…" Israfel said as she lounged around in a chair, "Maybe they shouldn't have been built to be the same size as the vehicles they were based on…"

"Well, that was kinda anti-climactic…" Zeruel shook his head in sorrow. He had expected something… _harder…_ "It's as almost as if…"

"As if what?" she asked.

He bolted upright, running down the hall, "As if this was all just a distraction!"

* * *

"Try to pictograph your way out of this, bitch!" NERV 0 growled as Sandolphon and Adam hung upside down from the ceiling of his office, the two of them looking at horror at her…

It just couldn't be…

"Eve…" Adam whispered in horror, his psychotic and sadistic wife that had been presumed dead for years now standing in front of him. "But… that banana peel and everything…"

"I fell into _LCL_, Adam… not acid. A janitor fished me out of there half an hour later. Yet I realized then just how stupid you were… and the fact I saw Randolphon consoling you and actually expressing care for you completely disgusted me! It was then that my long and elaborate evil scheme that was fraught with so many points of failure I have practically no chance of succeeding was born! And look at me now! I manipulated world governments and got away with it all!"

"MOM?" Sachiel shouted from behind her. Eve turned, shocked at seeing her son standing there… along with Arael, Lilith, Material, and off in the corner, Israfel taking notes and trying to not look conspicuous.

Eve gulped… she had expected at least a few more minutes for them to realize what had happened and get through security… this really shot most of her plans down the drain. Then again… she quickly pointed a pistol at Adam. "When somebody here moves, the Bastard gets it."

She hadn't expected for everybody to just burst out laughing at her.

"No problem!" Arael said happily, "I already called the Deus Ex Machina service for this situation…"

"What?"

Suddenly, said steamroller from a few paragraphs ago suddenly dropped right on her as Dio Brando, the infamous villain from "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure" stood on top, laughing sadistically before screaming out "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" and vanishing… Eve reduced to a 2-D evildoer.

"Anti-climaxes are fun," Lilith said with a hint of happiness to her voice as she started walking away.

"Indeed. Come on, Material… I wanna try some new things out," Israfel added, grabbing her boyfriend and dragging him, kicking and screaming, out of the room.

"Count us in on that too!" Arael shouted out, smiling as she saddled up to Sachiel and gave him her very best puppy-dog eyes to entice him to join in on the fun. He reluctantly slumped down in humiliation for giving in.

Zeruel just stared at Sandolphon and Adam hanging from the ceiling before walking off, muttering something about 'finally getting something done around here.'

He made sure to turn the lights off.

"Adam?"

"Yes, Sandolphon?"

"I hate our associates."

…

"Wanna play 20 Questions?"

"Sure… is the answer sword-chucks?"

"DAMMIT!"

A/N: And thus… I finish this the only way I can think how… via self-destruction. Seppuken for the win, baby!


End file.
